Parents Accuse Obama of Trying to "Indoctrinate" Children, by Alex Chan

Parents accuse Obama of attempting to "indoctrinate" children
"Only we are allowed to force beliefs onto our children"
Parents across the nation are expressing their concerns about President Obama’s upcoming speech regarding the future of education.. The speech will be streamed live this Tuesday on the White House’s website, and is meant to be shown to students during class. But this plan has come under fire from many parents who accuse the president of attempting to "indoctrinate" their children, arguing that they should be the only ones allowed to brainwash their children.
"I am not raising my son so that he becomes some mindless automaton. I’m raising him to be my mindless automaton," New Jersey mother Rachel Shore told reporters. "From the beginning, I’ve kept him away from any propaganda that would go against his beliefs. Which are my beliefs."
Brian Yen of Michigan wrote in his blog that he doesn’t want his son’s beatings to have been in vain. "I don’t need Obama to tell my son about ‘responsibility and commitment’ to schooling. My belt does enough of that."
Chris Schaefer of Maryland simply told his daughter that he didn’t want the her to watch the speech. "She refuses to go to class on that day because her daddy told her," Shaefer told reporters, wiping a tear from his eye. "She’s such a good girl."
Naturally, pundits have also made lengthy tirades about the implications of President Obama’s speech, warning of children’s transformation into schools’ "little lobbyists."
"Rather than letting us put a spin on the speech, the president is insisting on reaching out to the students directly. This could turn into a very disturbing trend. How are we supposed to brainwash the public if they start getting their news free of any sort of extra partisan slant?"

And, as a rare glimpse into the mind of a Bullsheet editor who clearly tries too hard, here are several article ideas that did not reach fruition:

Michael Jackson’s brother infuriated that media choppers disrupted burial service
Comes crying to the media

Philipino Coast Guard rescues 957 passenvers from sinking boat
Survivors breathlessly exclaim: "We have a coast guard?"

Final Destination still #1 at the box office
Suicide rate spikes

Beatles Rock Band to be released this Tuesday
Because nothing says "rock the fuck out" like The Beatles

T-Pain releases auto-tune iPhone application
Inspires millions of equally talentless teenagers

Scientists successfully tag great white sharks near Cape Cod
Sharks untag themselves and promptly unfriend the scientists

--Alex Chan, Junior editor