Girl Unable to Escape Quaint Appeal of Tri-Corner Hats, by Miden Wood

GIRL UNABLE TO ESCAPE QUAINT APPEAL OF TRI-CORNER HATS
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—It was a hot, humid summer morning in Granville—Or at least that was what Miden Wood, college sophomore, thought as she stepped out of her car onto a college campus the morning of August 21, 2009. It had been a shorter car ride than usual—somehow her parents had managed to shave 5 hours off the trip—and she reported feeling remarkably more at sea level than she ever had at Denison before. This is because, on August 21, 2009, Miden Wood was taken.
Like that movie with Liam Neeson. Only way less badass and self-gratifying.
It was at this point discovered that the pair Wood had assumed were her parents were in fact a pair of colonial impersonators who make a living dressing in colonial garb to fool tourists into believing they had time-traveled, an industry better known amongst law enforcement officials as "Time Trafficking".
The identity of one of the abductors has recently been revealed to be William "William" Hartwig, the local blacksmith. This was concluded after farmers along I-395 S complained to authorities of the culprit’s gang-name, "Bothersome Will," having been branded into their livestock. Though the other kidnapper is as of yet unidentified, the prime suspect is Ezekiel the Wee Chimneysweep, due to an unusual amount of soot in the passenger seat.
The Guy who Yells Hearye on the Corner, who witnessed the entire event, reported "The wench said something regarding the remarkably increas’d number of trees since her education prior, and then suddenly was thrown into a Feaverish woman-Delirium and gave such a scream as to wake even Baker Obadiah, the old Rogue."
Or at least we’re pretty sure that’s what he said. It was really hard to tell the "f"s and "s"s apart when he spoke.
Wood’s whereabouts are as of yet unknown, although authorities suspect that she is already under the influence of "Quaintness," a 17th century drug most comparable to modern LSD, and has been taken into the Time Trafficking ring as a Wigmaker’s apprentice. Her family and friends are reportedly "pretty bummed out".

—Miden "Colonial Humor!" Wood, Totally Necessary Foreign Correspondent to Williamsburg