Why won't Christopher Hitchens go to Prom with Me? by Kaitlyn Grissom

Well, here I am again, bringing you yet another humorless, substandard Bullsheet. It’s okay, though. I don’t feel bad about it. After all, as atheist scholar and upcoming Denison speaker Christopher Hitchens informed me, it’s just because I’m a woman. He sure is a smart fella. I’m looking forward to seeing him tonight in Swayze Chapel at 8pm, when he speaks on the topic of religion and how it ruins everything. I highly encourage you to Google this guy before you attend, and come prepared with an arsenal of delicious quotes. Here are some of my favorites, taken from his Vanity Fair article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny”:

“There is something that you absolutely never hear from a male friend who is hymning his latest (female) love interest: "She's a real honey, has a life of her own …and, man, does she ever make 'em laugh.” Now, why is this?”
Actually, I have heard men say this. A lot. Christopher, do you actually have any male friends?

“The chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex… An average man has just one, outside chance: he had better be able to make the lady laugh….Women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way. They already appeal to men, if you catch my drift.”
Things that are false:
1) We women are so attractive that we don’t have to bother developing a personality. Every last one of us has a mile-long waiting list of cute boys who want to lap up our sweet, sweet woman-juice. Isn’t that right, ladies?
2) Men need to compensate for the fact that women aren’t physically attracted to them.
Does Christopher actually have any female friends? Because we objectify the menfolk right back. In fact, we frequently make crude sexual remarks about their hot little bodies which, if they heard them, would make them bite their pillows and cry.
Since the only research for this masterpiece comes from personal experience, consider this: Christopher Hitchens’ sample population of the female species consists of women who already have a pretty glaring character flaw: they hang out with Cristopher Hitchens. I submit this as a confounding variable.

“In any case, my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians… Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three.”
…so, obviously, they don’t count as women. Or comedians.

“Slower to get it, more pleased when they do, and swift to locate the unfunny—for this we need the Stanford University School of Medicine? And remember, this is women when confronted with humor. Is it any wonder that they are backward in generating it?”
Fem-Hulk…so angry… cannot formulate response…MUST SMASH!

“Male humor prefers the laugh to be at someone's expense, and understands that life is quite possibly a joke to begin with—and often a joke in extremely poor taste… Whereas women, bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is.”
Bless our tender hearts indeed, Christopher. Would you appreciate the female sense of sordid humor if one of them rammed a box of tampons down your throat and impaled you with a crucifix?
Denison friends. Be at Swayze tonight. This should be fun.

-Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor