Stas Nogay,You Timorous Sod by Matt Miller

Dear Stas Nogay, you timorous sod,

It is I, not you, who should be grossly offensive.....ah, offended. The implication that
my critique of the aptly-named tit-curtain dresses stemmed from sexually-motivated
aesthetics and a desire to use the verb ogle transitively is a dastardly one! And you,
sir, are a dastard--a mean, sneaky coward who suggests in a very public forum with strong
language that I oppose the new feminist revolution of anti-attractiveness. If I could
type in italics for emphasis without seeming to favor Italians, long known to be the most
ardent saboteurs of the anti-attractiveness campaign, I would.

I did not have space in my original posting to elaborate on my aims for resolving the
tit-curtain dress issue, having much more time-sensitive issues to deal with--namely,
insulting Sweden for helping Nazis. Now, however, I feel that my plan must be fully laid
out.

I propose, with a hint of modesty, that this judgment of what women wear by basic tenets
of "Hey, did you rob a Calcuttan hobo for that?" and "Did you sew that yourself on a
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday night?" might be avoided completely by simply
requiring that all men wear a set of blinders which would limit their viewpoints to only
the space twelve inches in front of their feet. This, I feel, would wholly resolve these
incidents of critique, as it is widely known that men serve as the root of all judgment
in areas of fashion. These blinkers would allow women to wear whatever they want--even
nothing!--without being criticized by male passersby. Furthermore, they would prevent men
from any ogling whatsoever, as well as continue the overall project of the tit-curtain
dress (this being, of course, to bring the human race to a swift and orgasm-less
conclusion) without the constrictive feelings of a poncho held up by bits of elastic,
prayers, and whatever the plastic surgeon has been able to endow you with.

So let us usher in a new era, Mr Nogay--one without the visual pleasure of a curve or
even the blanch of horror at what appear to be floral shroud wrappings; an era where,
with men's harshly critical eyes in all things concerning fashion shuttered, these brave,
airy women no longer face the scorn heaped upon them for looking as though they
accidentally robbed a fabric store and weren't quite sure what to do with their goods.

And, Mr Nogay, I'm glad you mentioned my lusty man-eyes; I've been waiting ages for
someone to notice them.

Competently yours,

Matt "uhhhh......... no gay?" Miller, 8368