D is for DUMBO! - Posted by JT

VOTE NOW FOR DENISON MASCOT ON my.denison.edu

Choices?

The Big Red Dinosaurs
The Big Red Dragons
Or
The Big Red Buzzards

Really though what kind of choices are these? Either we vote for the one we always vote
for every year (the buzzards) and still get ignored next year when DCGA decides to run
its mascot campaign again or we vote for the Dragons, the Dinosaurs or something else
that starts with the letter D and can substitute for the Big Red Denison: how about the
Big Red DCGA? That would be perfect...oh wait, way too obvious. With the two
alternatives that face us we may as well call ourselves the Big Red Daycare Center. It
also starts with the holy letter "D" and combines the two choices into one super word:
Daycare. Cause that's where we're going. It's really quite appropriate, I'm sure
security would love it, as well as the sports teams trying to compete. We could even
branch? out and call ourselves the Big Red Dildos, or simply the Big Red Ds.

Since voting for the buzzards will get your vote deleted, as it is the only true
representation of Denison's diversity living on campus as they do (who else has a buzzard
for a mascot) compared to the legions of dragon mascots (who names themselves the
dinosaurs? Oh wait...Barney did) I suggest a write-in mascot that will accommodate
everyone, including DCGA's Big Red Daycare.

So instead when you go online vote for:

The Big Red Playground.

Adam Shaw
9092

∑X OFFENDED - Posted by JT

Dear Anonymous Editor,
Your "RAPE IS HAPPENING ON THIS CAMPUS" submission was both offensive and a gross
generalization in its nature. Whether you meant to or not, you have perpetrated the male
greek community (with the exception of Beta Theta Pi....) as a direct threat to the
female community. I can only speak on behalf of Sigma Chi, but I feel comfortable in
saying that Fraternities on campus do hold each other and their members accountable for
their actions and no Greek organization stands for such heinous and malicious actions
taken against women (or men).
I appreciate the fact that only 10% of rapes on average are reported. In turn, how
can you allege that the Greek community is involved heavily in the rape incidents, when
there is no information available to confirm this? I am not denying rape happens on
campus, I am simply defending not only my Fraternity, but the Greek community as a whole.
Also, this is not an issue of holding the Greek community to a high standard, but holding
the entire Denison community to a higher standard. It is no less acceptable for a
non-Greek student to act in such a disgraceful manner as it is a member of a Greek
organization.
No one stands for rape. No one. This is an issue that the Denison community needs
to address. In order to do this, we need not single out any community. This is a campus
wide problem, as you have made apparent to me, and I am positive any Greek organization
would be more then willing to aid you and the administration in this process.

Respectively,
Lucas Meyer
#7516

Beat it - Posted By JT

How does "Play that Beat, Mr." - Gangstarr lead to "Spies" - Coldplay in iTunes? Someone. Explain.

- 7350

The Parking Lot - Posted by JT

Going Places with Jake: Rape Parking Lot

The girls here at Dension might describe it as "sketch," "suspect," or "creepy-towns."
Regardless of whether or not you choose to defile the English language, it is undeniable
that the strip of parking spaces behind Crawford has its horribly offensive moniker for a
reason. I decided to pound the ground and see how the people, myself included, truly feel
about the area.

Composite Freshman Marissa Ramasamy provided this statement: "Why are you being so weird?
Are you drunk? I don't know... it makes me uncomfortable because I think there are bros
in those trees who totally want to rape me."

After visiting the site myself, I found that everyone should be worried. Crawford parking
lot is dangerous for rapee and raper alike. Sure it's dark and secluded, but pelvic
thrust too hard, and your once secure erotomobile is rolling down the hill. If you
survive the explosion, she's about a two minute jog from the police station. Good luck
chasing the bitch when you can see both your shankbones.

I attempted to get a statement from Michael Scott, figuring he had probably succumbed to
the siren song of violent passion emanating from Rape Parking Lot during his time here.
Unfortunately, I was unable to control myself and ended up reciting a long overdue tirade
about Dan In Real Life, instead. It wasn't pretty:

Get your head off of the fucking pancakes. No, you know what? You rest. I hope they're
scalding hot. I paid $16 to see your contrived emotionality and all I got out out my date
was a boob graze... I was just a KID!!

Scott was able to placate me by pointing out that any feelings of irrational rage were
almost certainly brought on by the existence of Dane Cook and my own and sexual
frustration, not his terrible movie.

Freshman and girl, Kate Kloster, provided this troubled muckraker with peace of mind when
she gave her appraisal of the issue: "What? Now? You want me to say it now? OK... Well, I
feel like you're pretty much just as likely to be raped there as anywhere else on campus."

There you have it, readers. Nowhere is safe.




SCANDAL ROCKS THE DENISONIAN
It has come to light that freelance writer for the school "newspaper," Joe Kenkel, wrote
his review for the iPad without ever even being in the same room as one of the
cutting-edge tablets. Journalistic Integrity. It's not a Denison thing.


I WANNA DIP MY BALLS IN IT!!!

- Jacob Hoffman

DFS Presents... - Posted by JT

Sprockets and sprocketholes alike!

When you were a child, did you ever have one of those cardboard pipes filled with mirrors
and when you looked through them they turned the world into a million shapes and colors?
Did you ever have one of them kaleidoscopes? Well, this weekend DFS will shatter your
world into a million shapes and colors with our crazy double-feature combo in
collaboration with Red Tech.

First, on Friday night at 8:30, we will pose the question, when is Woody Harrelson not a
motherfucking badass? I mean, Woody jesus-christ Harrelson. Now add zombies. Did I just
hear five hundred little minds being blown? Now add humor. Add a guy who looks and acts
like Michael Cera but is not Michael Cera. Add a post-apocalyptic world. Add unlikely
bromance. Add wit. Add that girl who that other guy in Superbad wants to hook up with.
Add great editing and Bill Murray. Add Bill Murray's mansion. Put it in a box and shake
it all around, and there you have it: Zombieland. In a pile. In Slayter auditorium.

After we've brought you with us down to the hell that is zombie-ridden earth, we will
bring you back up. Way up. Way Up in the Air. In this potentially bathetic (that's
melodramatic for you non-English majors) romantic drama comedy, George Clooney is George
Clooney. But he is also the person who companies hire when they need to fire people. And
he is really good at it. This means that he flies. A lot. All over the US. In fact, he
flies so much he is almost eligible to become an elite member (and I mean over-the-top
elite, I mean member card in solid gold elite, no kidding, solid gold) of this American
Airline(s) that will remained unnamed. While at an airport bar, he meets this woman who
also flies a lot, not as much as Clooney, but a lot, and they hook up. What follows is a
complicated relationship based off of flight schedules and layovers, and then more things
happen and things get more complicated and George Clooney is George Clooney, but I won't
give it all away just yet. Instead, come to Slayter auditorium. Or stay in Slayter
auditorium if you just watched Zombieland. Because that's how awesome we are. We, your
friends at the DFS.

In conclusion (aaaah senior research syndrome),
Zombieland at 8:30 on Friday (tomorrow),
Up in the Air tomorrow at 10:30 and Saturday at 7:30,
all in Slayter auditorium, all on the big screen, all in glorious 35mm (except
Zombieland, which is a DVD, but that's a whole other story),
all for ZERO DOLLARS!

Up in the Air is NOT bathetic,
Christoffer "my mother always told me, some day, you'll be good at something" Strömstedt


PS. For those of you who might have heard that the screening of Zombieland is supposed to
be outdoors, the 80% chance of thunderstorm tomorrow night took the fun away from that.
It'll be inside. In our beloved student union. But don't let that deter you. There'll
still be Woody motherfucking Harrelson.

- Denison Film Society & Red Tech

DBAGS @ Denison??

Denison junior winfield buckington was caught and detained by Denison Security early Tuesday morning for shattering the back door of Shepardson Hall with his fist. McPolo, from Bridgeport Connecticut, is believed to be a member of the elusive Door-Breaking Alliance of Granville (D-BAG), a secret campus organization bent on de-dooring the campus, one portal at a time. So far the D-BAG has claimed responsibility for the shattering of seven doors this semester.

McPolo, a member of D-BAG since the second semester of his freshman year, explained to Denison Security that the door was "talking shit" and "being a fucking pussy." When asked about the nature of the shit-talking, McPolo inquired "Don't you know who my fucking dad is?" Unaware of McPolo's fucking ancestral roots, a Denison Security Guard promptly notified the Granville Police to detain McPolo and conduct a background check. Upon arrival to campus, veteran officer John "Arresting Students on the" Daly arrested and escorted McPolo to the Granville Jail, which apparently actually exists. The officer also wrote McPolo a parking citation for good measure, and later obtained a search warrant for McPolo's six-man in Sawyer. The investigation of the six-man led the officers to find evidence of his D-BAG membership, including a D-BAG handbook.

A complete transcript of the D-BAG handbook is still unavailable at this point because, oddly enough, it was written in Greek. However, a rudimentary translation of the D-BAG handbook's introduction was obtained by the Bullsheet's resident Greek language expert:

"From Shorney to Shannon, from the Homestead to Herrick, Down with glass doors!" reads the introduction, "By smashing doors we shall " The manifesto further explains that their glass-breaking behavior stems from the fact that "there isn't shit to do in Granville" besides destroy communal property. Also depicted in the handbook are photos of boat shoes, expensive cars, and pastel colored collared shirts with upturned collars. It is unclear at this time how these relate to the mission of the D-BAG, though some suspect that upturned-collars and D-BAG membership are closely related.

McPolo is still under investigation by the University, but is expecting to face a life sentence in Granville jail. Denison Vice President of Student Conduct hopes to have McPolo expelled in order to "to clear up some bed space" for a returning student found guilty of domestic abuse last semester.

Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

We want to open the floor for a discussion about gender-neutral restrooms. Although this is an easily-overlooked issue for most people, the segregation of restrooms based on sex causes confusion, distress and/or frustration for many people. How many times have you really had to go and a long line postponed your relief? Have you ever considered that transgender, transsexual, intersex, gender queer, and other persons who do not fit into the gender binary might face discrimination based their choice of restroom? Have you considered that your restrooms at home are gender-neutral, so why should things be any different at school?
90% of transgender students report feeling unsafe at school because of their gender expression, including their choice of restroom. Many of the restrooms here on Denison’s campus are completely identical and single-occupancy yet are still segregated by sex. By removing gendered spaces on campus we encourage a more diverse student body to attend Denison and promote a more accepting atmosphere.
You may have seen our signs up near restrooms across campus. Our goal is to encourage student/faculty discourse about the nonexistence of gender-neutral restrooms at Denison and in the community at large. Whatever your opinion, whether you agree or disagree or find this a non-issue, we encourage you to express it: write a response in the Bullsheet, join our Facebook event (Gender Neutral Restrooms – Denison University), send us an email (kushne_r@denison.edu), send in a letter (Slayter Box 9185), and most importantly, discuss among your peers.
We will be conducting interviews concerning gender neutral restrooms with students/faculty/members of the community throughout this week and the next—if you would like your opinion to be heard in an academic setting, please consider requesting to be interviewed (through email or Facebook)!

A Response to Matt, Concerning the Housing Lottery by Miles

Dear Matt,

Are you an upperclassman? I can tell by your apathy.

You're right, we could have all done some research before we came to Denison but I didn't
research the conditions of the bathroom, the amount of condoms offered on campus, and the
number of soda machines lying around. In short, I didn't research everything before I
came here. It's called being excited I'm going to college and my lack of research does
not excuse this atrocious lottery system. We must blame the individual but that can't
stop us from changing the system.

Life is unfair but we can make it fair. And I have a feeling someone will listen seeing
as we're $45,000 investments. I don't know how to make this housing selection fairer but
talking is better than accepting. My graduating class is far from the last to be shafted
because the graduating classes above us have also said "fuck it" and accepted the system
that everyone knows is bull. So why don't we all actually try to make this housing system
better instead of bitching and moaning when the next lottery comes around? And if you all
really don't want to change the system, then I need you to sit in the corner and be quiet
while other people try doing something. We don't need your apathy.

And no I did not get shafted by the lottery. I'm in a quiet dorm with my girlfriend and
most of my friends. So I am pleased and I still hate this system.

Oh, and I'm sorry for barely bringing your friend the question mark into this. He's so
under appreciated.

Lovingly,
Miles

Velvet Ice Cream has profound effects on students' body

Robert Smith, a junior at Denison University, had nothing but praise for the school’s new ice cream selection when interviewed by the Bullsheet this past Thursday.

“The texture is so much smoother than whatever it was that they had for the past few years. I was getting tired of the standard vanilla and chocolate that we usually have.”

“Also,” Smith continued. “That dino crunch flavor totally turned my shit blue”

Velvet Ice Cream, a family business based in Utica, Ohio, has been serving up quality ice cream since 1914. It is the official ice cream of the Ohio State Fair, the Columbus Zoo, and Columbus Clippers. There are over 500 flavors, at least one of which will turn one’s feces a primary color.

When asked what flavors were his favorites, Smith replied: “Turtle tracks is up there, because I’m a big fan of caramel. I guess moose tracks is a time-tested classic. Overall, I’d say dinosaur crunch. It’s like nothing I’ve ever tasted. There are even little malted milk balls in there! Oh, and after eating it, my shit gets turned blue for a day. That’s the best.”

All natural and made with the highest quality ingredients, Velvet ice cream has been putting smiles on Denison students’ faces all week, one way or another.

--Alex "till you're blue in the face" Chan

Somebody Likes Animals - Posted by JT

For the sake of not offending anybody by bringing up serious matters, I have written a
short story about a chipmunk, a cat, and a wolverine. The cat's girlfriend introduced
the cat to the chipmunk one day and they got along very well. The cat picked on the
chipmunk from time to time because he found the chipmunk annoying and whiny on occasion,
but never made a move to eat it because he liked the chipmunk and now had several mutual
friends with it. The teenage cat thought his jokes were funny and not harmful in the
least, and the chipmunk made jokes back at the cat as well. The cat liked the chipmunk
enough to choose him as his roommate during their first year of college. The chipmunk
liked the cat enough to choose him back. Ahem... anyway, one day, three years after
having met and befriended the cat, the chipmunk was in a bad mood and decided that the
cat made fun of him because he was a chipmunk, and not because the chipmunk was whiny.
He thought, in his moment of insecurity, that the cat that he had known for three years
was making species...ist comments and was discriminating against all chipmunks and not
just him. The chipmunk, rather than talking it out with the cat, went to the wolverine
to tell of his dilemma. Upon hearing that a poor innocent chipmunk was being made fun of
by a cat, the wolverine assumed that the cat made fun of the chipmunk because he thought
himself superior and hated chipmunks. The wolverine, being the king of the... forest...
was highly obsessed with making his forest look like a better place to live than all of
the other forests. He thought, "I can look really good if I side with this chipmunk and
banish this evil cat to... Cleveland." The chipmunk at this point really just wanted the
wolverine to hit the cat with a stick and say "Bad cat!!" but the wolverine got ahead of
itself and decided that he and his forest would look bad if he were to let this crime go
unpunished. Being upset with the cat in his little chipmunk fury, he decided to make his
story better since somebody was listening to him. "The cat has a switchblade!" blurted
out the chipmunk. The cat used his switchblade to cut up fruit and occasionally open UPS
packages. Wolverines, however, REALLY don't like switchblades, and this one assumed that
the cat had used this against the chipmunk (or else he wouldn't have brought it up). The
wolverine searched the cat's room and found the knife at a time that the chipmunk was
coincidentally not there. The cat got kicked out of the forest and was charged with
having weapons, assault, harassment, and dangerous behavior. The chipmunk, not wanting
the cat banished pleaded with the wolverine, but was ignored. Other creatures, many
being chipmunks, pleaded with the wolverine as well, but no one was heard, and the cat
became sad and tried to find a new forest with new friends.

This actually happened here at Denison. Yes, we have wolverines. Be afraid. If you
replace wolverine with administration you will perhaps understand this tale better. The
chipmunk is a Jewish student and the cat is a normal 19-year old boy that up until
recently got good grades, worked hard, and loved this school. If you know who this cat
is and want to know more about what happened to him, write to my Slayter box. If you
still don't know what happened and want to know how our school "investigates" claims
against students and solves these situations, you may also write me.

SB 7709

They Got Jokes

Hey!!!!

You, that was desperate for a date! We, Rob and Taylor, have decided to accept your invitation formally. We feel we fit the qualities you are looking for, as we are both athletic and not freshmen (although we have numerous undiagnosed STDS). And since we are offering ourselves as a package, we have two hearts to love you with and two cocks to sex with you. We’ve been told that we’re surprisingly popular, although we have yet to be surprised by our “popularity.” We wear different clothing every day, unlike cartoon characters. You asked us what are favorite position was: Wide receiver (if you know what we mean). What’s our signature move: The Tiger Woods fist pump, post-adultery, in honor of all his nice ladies. Now it’s our turn: How big are your melons? What are you wearing? What’s your AIM? We’ll chat l8r…

Love,
Rob and Taylor

Lindsay Gund Memorial Posts

W.W.G.D.—What Would Gund Do?

Dilemma: It’s 3 am. You have a 5 page paper due at 10:30 am that you haven’t started.
Gund Solution: “I’m just going to go to bed and wake up early.”

Dilemma: Your roommate is supposed to be dressed in business casual in approximately 8 minutes. She has “nothing to wear.”
Gund Solution: You ARE Stacey from “What Not To Wear.” Ransack your closet and pull anything remotely acceptable. Your roommate has been transformed into the “prettiest girl on campus.”

Dilemma: It’s 2 am and you hear a commotion outside of Hayes. Some blackout meatheads have started a fight.
Gund Solution: Sprint down stairs, use your super-strong arms to pull them apart. They walk back to their respective apartments ashamed, friends?



Lindsay’s Infinite Playlist
1. Ray Jay, “Sexy Can I”
2. Young Money ft. Lloyd, “Bedrock”
3. TECH N9NE, “Caribou Lou”
4. MGMT, “Electric Feel”
5. Mike Posner, “You don’t have to leave”
6. Jesse McCartney, “Leavin’”
7. New Kids On The Block, “Dirty Dancing” and “Full Service”
8. Enrique Inglesias, “Ring My Bell”
9. Erik Hassle, “Hurtful”
10. The Script, “Break Even”
11. Stereos, “Summer Girl”
12. Ferras, “Hollywood’s Not America”


The Bull’s last words: Beloved teammate, Honorary Theta, and true friend. We will love and miss you forever, Gund.

We would like to thank everyone for their continuous support and love throughout this difficult time. We wouldn’t be able to do it without you. Also, a big thanks to Lindsay Gund for giving us so much material to work with. The search is on for the second “prettiest girl on campus.”


All Lindsay Posts Thanks to Her Roommates and Friends.
Leslie “Who’s going to curl my hair for formal?” Brenner
Sarah “Who’s left-over Chinese food am I going to eat now?” Anderson
Travis “Who’s gonna call me skinny?” Sterner
Alyson “I converted to Catholicism for you” Levitz-Jones

Lindsay Gund Memorial Posts

Lindsay Quote Corner:
-“Shno big deal.”
-“Haiii”
-“I’m not drunk… but I’ve been drinking.”
-“Well that’s a LOFTY goal, don’t you think?”
-“But I’m ‘No Filter Gund.’ That’s what makes me who I am.”
-“Now you’re thinkin’ like a clown.”
-“I just stocked up on the ingredients for the ‘Lindsay Gund’.”
-“Prettiest girl on campus.”
-“Rude.”
-“Who wants Baileys?!”
-“Shhh! For pizza.”

Nicknames (Otherwise known as…):
-Baby Gund
-Gund Bear (Gotta Getta Gund)
-Vincent Van Gund
-No Boundaries Gund
-Captain Gunderpants
-Lindsay “Joke Killer” Gund
-Nacha

Cocktail of the Day: The Lindsay Gund, a refreshing drink crafted by the one and only. Made for a standard wine glass…
-Either 2 or 4 shots of cheap vodka, depending on your mood and reason for boozing.
-A heavy pour of Inglenook White Zinfandel, enough to make the drink a lovely light
pink.
-2 generous splashes of Dole Pineapple, Orange, Banana juice. Good juice cuts bad
alcohol.
-A splash of Clear American (note: can only be purchased at Walmart) Golden Peach
Sparkling Water (“Don’t worry, Leigh; it has ZERO CALORIES!!!!!”)

DISCLAIMER: “Lindsay’s crazy. That drink she made really fucked me up.” –Mike Barnum, Senior Defensive Lineman for DU Big Red, 5’10”, 210 lbs. and neighbor of LG.

Lindsay Gund Memorial Posts

A day in the life of Lindsay Gund…
- You wake up late, class begins in 15 minutes because you have let your alarm go off roughly 10 times before Alyson yells at you to get out of bed.
- Facebook chat.
- Stuff two pieces of cinnamon toast in your mouth as you reapply mascara, your most time consuming morning task, all the while giving Leslie advice on how to manage her life.
- Go to class, participate to the point of your classmates wanting you to shut up... Or thank you, for keeping the discussion going for 50 minutes.
- Come home for lunch, make a Morningstar Chik’n patty and Progresso soup. Leave half the bowl of soup in the sink, you’ll do the dishes later.
- Facebook chat.
- Camp out in your personal office (the common room of Hayes 301) attempting to do something productive for the next few hours. (Someday you’ll revolutionize public education.)
- Crunch beer cans from the night before, thoroughly annoying your downstairs neighbors. Be sure to always pull the tabs from the cans.
- Are you supposed to tutor today? Shit.
- Facebook chat.
- Go to crew practice. Talk the entire van-ride there to make sure the driver doesn’t fall asleep. You basically hold the team together.
- Come home for dinner—make a Morningstar Chik’n patty and Progresso soup. If you’re still hungry, pull those Tostitos Scoops off the top shelf. You’ll do the dishes later.
- Facebook chat.
- Is there a “Bones” marathon on?
- Pluck everyone’s eyebrows.
- Facebook chat.
- Neglect your schoolwork, “NCIS” is on.
- Neglect “NCIS,” Travis needs help with his Spanish homework.
- “Who’s going out tonight?” via mass text. Facebook chat.
- To the bar. To the bar. Take mirror off door and bring beauty necessities to the kitchen table. This is going to take a while.
- Play “Bedrock” on repeat until your roommates cannot take it. Facebook chat.
- Pregame for a half hour, decide there’s inevitably nothing good going on tonight. Yell at Sarah for turning the thermostat up to 76 degrees. Don your Gonzaga t-shirt and gray leggings, it’s bed time.

Register or be a Hobo Next Year.

Get your housing lottery questions answered at the last LOTTERY INFORMATION SESSION,
Thursday 3/25 at 6PM in HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.

In the meantime...
Remember to register for the lottery by this FRIDAY March 29th at
11:59pm.
o To register for the housing lottery, log on to your DU "self
service" and click on the "Residential Life and Lottery
Registration" link.
o For more information and floor plans visit
http://www.denison.edu/offices/residentiallife

Make a note of these dates:
April 6 (Tuesday)- Special Interest Housing (Quiet/Substance Free
Buildings and Other Special Interest Buildings)
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 5pm Male Quiet/Sub-free and 6:30pm Female Quiet/Sub-free

April 8 (Thursday)- Rising Senior Lottery
Location: Slayter 3rd Floor
Times: 5pm Male Seniors and 7:30pm Female Seniors

April 13 (Tuesday)- Rising Junior Lottery
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 6pm Male Juniors and 8:00pm Female Juniors

April 15 (Thursday)- Rising Sophomore Lottery
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 5pm Male Lottery and 7:30pm Female Lottery

Thanks, and remember, when choosing your room and roommates at lottery, it always pays to
have back-up plans!
The Committee on Residential Life

Snow Is On The Ground

Spotted: inadequately clothed gentleman outside of Preston. It wasn't that warm. (note
the snow in the foreground)
-sb 8270

Are You In Or You Out?

From Sophia Coppola's Lost in Translation

Bob: Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?

Charlotte: I'm in. I'll go pack my stuff.

Bob: I hope that you've had enough to drink. It's going to take courage.

***********

Me: Can you open your eyes/mind? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for like, some critical reflection about this school. We have to first break out of the stupid confines of our caged living quarters, then take down the existence of sudexo and our limited eating options (which are hurting our stomachs and wallets and not satisfying our want for aesthetic and casual eating experiences), then tear down the suffocating Greek system that has allowed so many kids to extend their dumb high school existence here, simultaneously oppressing other students, and then finally work to improve the supposed learning that is going on in many of the classes offered: smart kids are not being challenged and/or giving up trying to care about classes that feel irrelevant. Are you in or you out?

You:

-- Sean, 9036

Phone Tag

Why are there no phones in our dorms. I got back from abroad this semester and found this
inconveniencing. I want to call whistler to set up an appointment and nope can't do it. I
don't know the phone number of denison and would much rather press 0 on the phone that
would be on the wall.

So I was thinking of other reasons why there should be phones.
-Need to call security and don't know the number
Examples;
Something bad is happening in your room and can't reach your cell
a. fire
b. physical or sexual assault
d. don't have time to run outside and find the nearest glowing blue pillar
c. numerous other bad things
-Need to call 911 don't have a cell
-Maybe a student just doesn't have a cell phone (highly unlikely tho)
-You order a pizza and they try to call your room to let you know they have arrived...no
pizza
-Call a campus office
-Say hi to the switch boards lady

I know that phones are probably gone because they cost money, drunk people smash them,
people hide weed in them, or the phone bills are expensive (I haven't checked if the
phone jack works). But if the reason they are gone is because phones are expensive it
makes no sense, we already have the hundreds of phones. Why not leave them in the room
rather than filling up some garbage dump or warehouse.

The big thought is safety. People are going to say, "you should know the denison number."
Quite honestly a back-up plan in case someone misplaced their cell phone or doesn't know
the number is really logical. Could prevent something if we had the phones, we have 6
security guards wandering around but most of denison can't contact security without
looking online.


Slayter: 8645

Response to Matt Miller

Dear Matt Miller,

As the new co-presidents of DURP and Green Team we would like to address your concern
about the recycling infrastructure. We agree with you that the recycling bins are too
small and inadequately labeled. Students should know that we’ve outsourced our recycling
to Big “O”, who takes care of recycling and trash for the greater Granville area so as a
student group we don’t have control over location, emptying or bin size. Other barriers
attributing to this are lack of funding and student support.

On the other hand, all over campus there are currently many bins not being fully utilized
and this causes us to wonder: 1) Why doesn’t the majority of Denison’s population recycle
when there is a recycling bin right next to the trash can? Is it a lack of motivation,
education or is it solely poor infrastructure? 2) What do students need from DURP in
order to increase recycling on campus?

If you have any ideas about what we as a student group can do to help this change on
campus we’d love for you to come to a Green Team/DURP meeting-Tuesdays at 9 p.m. in
Barney Davis- to help us improve our current recycling system. We’re glad to see people
are taking notice of this problem and encourage conversation of what they think can be
changed on campus!


Nicki Jimenez and Juliana Lisuk
Co-Presidents of Green Team and DURP (Denison University Recycling Program)

jimene_n lisuk_j

Gender Neutral Housing

Tell US what YOU think about gender neutral housing! (Tues/Thurs/Fri in Slayter)

Hey there,

Outlook wants to make progress with gender neutral housing because we think that it’s what the student body wants.

So what, you might ask, is gender neutral housing? Gender neutral housing is more than just a GLBTQ issue. It’s essentially being able to live with whom you want, where you want, based on your ability to make decisions as mature adults. It’s also completely flexible; you don’t have to live with someone of the opposite (or same) sex if you do not feel comfortable doing so.

In order for us to get anywhere, we need to hear from students who support and wish to participate in gender neutral housing, as well as students who only want certain spaces to be gender neutral and even those who don’t support gender neutral housing. In short, WE need YOUR INPUT.

Outlook will be tabling Tuesday, Thursday and Friday in Slayter (2nd floor) from 11:30-1:30 with a simple for/against petition as well as survey for specific ideas and concerns. If you have any questions on gender neutral housing, please email Outlook at Outlook@denison.

Outlook Exec

Water Balls Are Awesome

In response to Ben Leatherman's article on the benefits of joining the Rugby team, I'd
like to write in some reasons you should also consider playing with DU's Water Polo team:

1. Think you're tough? Water polo is a full contact sport without padding, clothing, or a
sense of modesty. Awful things happen below the surface in tournaments; underwater, no
one can hear you scream.

2. So long as you're not a drowning risk aka you know how to swim, we'll teach you how to
play from the ground up. Start now and you could be involved in some sort of Mighty
Ducks-esque trick play for our spring tournaments!

3. We're co-ed, which is awesome.

4. Minimal chance of embarrassing death or illness from ingestion of foot-related
bacteria.

5. Skinny, fat, jacked or no, every body type and skill set has a place on the team. If
you're fast, you can break away, if you're big you can break through defenders -
seriously, everyone contributes in games.

6. We drill long and hard. The DU water polo club is student run and student led, and we
have a lot of players with years of experience and new ideas always flowing in. Even with
minimal ball handling experience (ha!), you can expect to see marked improvement in
technique within weeks of joining. We welcome practical contributions from experienced
players as well!

7. Our practice schedule is both reasonable and serious enough to allow us to do work,
son. We practice Sunday from 2:30-4 pm and Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:30 to 10 pm.
Hey, you could even play rugby AND water polo this spring and get uber
jacked/svelte/whatever you want to be!

8. We're a bunch of cool people who enjoy fine wine, long walks on the beach, and
traveling to strange and exotic locations and beating up strangers. Join us!

So there you have it - a concise and well articulated set of reasons to get your rear
down to the pool and toss some balls around. Feel free to contact Colin Murphy (murphy_c)
or Ben Gillette (gillet_b) with any questions.

- Colin Murphy

We Recycle Beer Cans For Monies... By Matt Miller

Dear Environmentally-types,

I've got some questions. I've been seeing your posters around campus, and I think that
encouraging conservation and recycling is a noble goal. As a small point: you say on one
of your posters that people produce "4.5 pounds of garbage" in a given amount of time--a
day, I suppose. What does that mean? Garbage? Garbage, to me, is the scrap food that
you feed to your livestock; it doesn't mean non-biodegradable waste, and it doesn't mean
trash. So this is more a criticism concerning clarity.

But seeing these signs has had me thinking. I want to recycle, and I try to--we separate
the cardboard and metal into separate bags in my apartment, recycle what #2 plastic we
can find. It makes me think of being abroad in Scotland, where they had six different
dumpster-sized containers for the recycling needs of 80 people.

And it makes me think of the scene out in front of my dorm, where we've got three,
unlabelled, slightly-larger-than-trashcan size containers that are supposed to meet the
recycling needs of...what? 81 people, at least.

You want us to recycle, Denison powers that be? Give us labeled locations, so we know
where we're supposed to be putting our aluminum and where our cardboard goes. Give us
locations that are emptied regularly, and that don't require stacking your bags of
unsorted recycling against the little blue boxes. And give us locations that can
accommodate the sheer quantity of recycling that the number of people are going to
produce. We, as students, need to change our ethos about recycling. But it's hard to
convince people that recycling is valued when it results in overflowing containers and
trashbags sprawled along the curb.

Matt Miller

Reponse to Folkers' article By Alex Daniels

This is in response to Kelly Folkers article in the Denisonian two weeks ago called, DU parties: get naked or get out. Just like my lab reports from high school, better late than never to respond. If you didn’t gloss over her article, it’s okay, ill break it down real quick: College kids love theme parties, the themes are always degrading toward women, the outfits girls choose to wear show no “self respect”, and men are pigs who violate women. Yes, a real downer of an article for any of us who enjoy going all out on the weekend.
The first thing I would like to point out is the fading trend of the Bro’s and Ho’s theme party. Every single idea has been played out and killed (except for this year’s smash hit, Golf Pro’s and Tigers Ho’s; sorry, but I think that’s pretty creative). This year’s themes ranged from Over-Rated, Anything goes But Clothes (ABC), Reality TV, High School stereotypes, Barnyard Bash, and representing my home state…Jersey Shore. All these themes allow girls to take their costumes as liberally as they feel comfortable. And coming way out of left field, is the most bizarre/original/wish I thought of it theme idea Chefs and Refs, but I’m sure you would also find that one degrading, because it assumes women belong in the kitchen…
Now you move on to question why women wear “barely-there clothing”, and call it “demeaning”. Well I’m not sure if you noticed, but theme parties are an amazing time. People enjoy dressing up in something new just to have a good time with it. You get to be someone other than yourself, and everyone is doing it with you, so you aren’t embarrassed (kind of like naked week). Not to mention all the great pictures from a night you will hopefully look fondly upon, barring any regretful hook-ups. An added benefit is that costumes are a great conversation starter. If it was just a normal party, it may be intimidating to walk up and try to talk to a girl (or guy) way out of your league because you don’t really know them and would not be sure what to even talk about. Well, insert a theme, and “voilà” - instant conversation starter. Over the past two weeks I have seen some awesome Snickers (or Snookers), Rock of Love girls, and Ski Bunnies (but by far the most original was Meerkat Manner…CW). Because of the group comradery over the theme, everyone becomes much more approachable. When it comes to these themes, no one is forcing girls to dress in an unbecoming manner. If they did not want to dress like that, they wouldn’t. The women at Denison are strong, independent thinkers. Plus the fact, most theme parties are thought up by the girls here anyway.
To be honest, I am a little offended you called the guys out on Denison’s campus for not dressing in theme. I know we enjoy it just as much as some of the girls, because it is something different than the standard collar shirt or polo. Where else other than college can I dress up as a member of Tool Academy, a ski bum and The Situation, all in a two-week span. It’s like being a little kid again, except with a different type of juice. Also, it seems like at the end of the night, most of the time the guys are wearing less clothes than the girls.
To conclude my response, I would like to look to the future. In five years from now I will be at boring ass cocktail party, wearing the bland combination of a button down shirt and slacks. I will be having conversations on topics ranging from the Chinese economy to the need for green solutions to energy problems. I will be having these conversations and schmoozing with people I would rather….not talk to. So does any of this sound like the fun you had in college? Didn’t think so.
In summary: If you feel like a theme is degrading, talk to your social chair. Do not accuse women on this campus of having a lack of self-respect just because they choose to dress up to a theme – I’ve seen much more revealing outfits on a normal Friday night. Way to be such a Debbie downer, anyway. What are you going to complain about next, Halloween?

- A. Daniels

Surviving Winter

In the latest issue of the Denisonian, there was an article titled “Suriviving the snow: A satire on Ohio weather.” Satire is defined (by dictionary.com) as “the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.” The piece was filled with what seemed to be legitimate advice, under a barely perceptible veil of sarcasm, irony, etc. For example, stocking up on essentials like hot chocolate, as suggested by the article, is precisely what one should do during the winter months. Blankets, jackets, gloves, and snow shoes are winter essentials as well (although the mention of snow shoes is done with a hint of sarcasm). Describing a walk to class gone wrong as “getting stuck in nature” is a bit silly, but not enough for this to be satirical. Also, the ending of the article struck me as sappy and, more than anything else, a bit creepy. “If all else fails, make sure you’re near that special someone seeing how it is Valentine’s season; after all, human contact is nature’s heater.” When I read this sentence, I imagined someone going all Empire Strikes Back on their significant other, ie cutting them open, removing the intestines, and curling up in the stomach/chest cavity for warmth.

But my real point here is that there’s not really much to expose, denounce, or deride when it comes to the weather. It would be hard to satirize something that can’t be changed. That being said, I thought I’d help out by providing the Denison community with a similar Bullsheet guide to surviving winter:


1. Before a snowstorm, pray to Skaði, the Norse goddess of bowhunting, skiing, winter, and mountains. Sacrifice your roommate if they refuse to join you. Skaði doesn’t fuck around.

2. Stock up on the essentials. This should include hot chocolate, blankets, jackets, hats, gloves, Purell, pop tarts, hard candy, bottled water, duct tape, roadside flares, a knife, a compass, bandages, gauze, a Gideon bible, several bags of mulch, a bent playing card, twist ties, bleach, and a month’s worth of Bullsheets.

3. Should the dining halls close due to inclement weather, learn how to forage for food. Follow other people’s footprints through the snow to see where they are getting food from. Know the difference between mold and the delicious and healthy fungus that grows on old food. Carpool with friends who are going to Chipotle, Wendy’s, etc. Or, if you’re desperate, cling to the undercarriage.

3a. When clinging to the undercarriage, dress appropriately. Be prepared for snow, slush, blocks of ice, fallen branches, Licking County Highway Patrol Spike strips, landmines, and coyotes.

4. If all else fails, kill yourself laugh about it. Skaði smiles upon those with a sense of humor. When the other gods killed Þjazi, Skaði’s daughter, the angry snow goddess stormed Asgard and demanded compensation. In her terms of settlement, the notoriously cold Skaði included one stipulation that she believed the gods would be unable to meet: Skaði wanted them to make her laugh. So the Aesir tied Loki’s testicles to the beard of a goat. The goat began to pull stubbornly, causing Loki to scream out in agony. Skaði laughed and laughed, and the gods agreed to honor her lost daughter by throwing Þjazi’s eyes into the heavens, where they became stars.

The moral of all this? Don’t give up! Someday, you might live to see a tug-of-war between a goat and someone’s genitals. Who knows, maybe that someone will be YOU! Believe in yourself!

--Alex Chan, Junior Editor

Newsflash: Taylor Swift’s High School Crush Files Restraining Order by Kaitlyn Grissom

Newsflash: Taylor Swift’s High School Crush Files Restraining Order
by Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor

“At first, she seemed pretty cool. We went on a date at Olive Garden. She talked the entire time about how she wasn’t as pretty as the popular girls. I should have seen the warning signs.” So began the courtship between soon-to-be singer/songwriter Taylor Swift and her high school classmate, “Mike.” Three years later, Mike would regret that fateful Olive Garden evening as he entered his apartment to find “You Belong With Me” written in goat blood on the wall of his kitchen.

Mike has recently filed a restraining order against the famed Swift, who has allegedly bombarded him with unwelcome midnight serenades, as well as thousands upon thousands of voicemails recording nothing but the sound of Swift crying. “Ever since she found out my new girlfriend doesn’t like Johnny Cash, she’s been threatening her, too. She keeps insisting that I stop being attracted to my girlfriend and start finding her quirkiness attractive. And when I say ‘quirkiness,’ I mean ‘showing up to prom in a wedding dress and glaring at my date the entire time.’”

Swift’s quirkiness, her lawyers say, may actually be symptomatic of a common but deadly mental disease: GNDS, or Girl/Guy Next Door Syndrome. Studies have shown that millions of Americans suffer from GNDS, which causes sufferers to attribute their lack of significant other to imaginary persecution by cheerleaders, quarterbacks, or other conventionally successful people- no matter how much the GNDS sufferer resembles those people. This often causing them to overlook the true cause of their singlehood: usually an irritating habit, a tendency to walow in self-pity, or a penchant for Taylor Swift songs.

Anti-Semites on Campus by Nick Garafola

I am puzzled and saddened that the resident who was supposed to be moving into my
building is no longer at Denison. I do not know the full details of this story, and I
will not assume them, because I was not present at the time of this issue. However, I am
aware of several details: I had messaged him, asking him when he'd be moving in (and
why), and he replied that he no longer felt safe at Denison because his roommate and
others had threatened him because he is Jewish.

Because he is JEWISH? This is 2010, is it not? I honestly cannot believe that there are
STILL human beings still bitching and moaning because they can't sleep, knowing that they
live next a to a "Jew"...at DENISON of all places... I ask you, do you feel that these
actions are acceptable? Flood my inbox with your opinions, because I want to know.

Obviously, this issue needs to be publicized...not merely related via gossip, and
certainly NOT swept under the rug by Doane Academy, nor anybody else. Where was the
"campus climate watch" alert this time? We have to ask ourselves, do we really want to
put our names on this? Is this the type of community in which we really want to live?
Obviously, some things need to change, unless Denison is OK with losing students who no
longer feel safe on campus. I urge everybody, including students, faculty, and staff, to
question whether or not they will put up with this. Make it a public discussion, because
everybody loses if nobody says anything.

Nick Garafola
Class of 2013
garafo_n1//7427

Do You Know What Time It Is? by Jono Sarver

Hey Friend-Os!

Do you like to know what time it is? Do you use clocks, watches, cellphones, sundials, the Swasey Bells, length of one's shadow in relation to the day of the year, or any other kind of instrument or device to determine what time it is? Well I do. In fact, most of the developed world does too I believe. In particular, a lot of people here at Camp Denidoo like to know what time it is... for instance, the professor of my 8:30 philosophy lecture.

Well homies, let me tell (read: bore) you with (what probably is not) a captivating, titillating, enthralling, and exciting story from my life. A few mornings ago I was awakened by my cellphone's alarm. I reached over my bed and turned it off, but before I had time to actually dismount my bed who's height rivals that of Mt. Everest, Giant Sequoia trees, the Petronas Towers, some buildings in Dubai, Lebron James, and several other really fucking tall things, I fell back into a moderately deep sleep. I awoke 50 minutes later to realize that it was already 8:40 AM. "Well, fuck me softly with a chainsaw!" I thought as I not-so-quickly dawned the same clothes I had worn the day before -- minus the tye-dye bandana, used to cover the copious amounts of grease in my hair -- and began my oh-so-speedy amble to class.

Now fast forward a few days. Again, I'm headed to my morning nod-session. This time however, I'm pretty confident I'm on time for class. I walk out of Shep, turn towards Huffty-Duffty, climb the set of stairs, choose to go left at the railing past East, look up at the Huffman clock and... "HOLY-FUCKING-BALLS-OF-LANCE-ARMSTRONG! Its already 9:mudda-fuckin'10!" I was late again! How could this happen? Quickly I turned to the bloke next to me and explained that he, "better move like shit through a goose, hombre, and get yo-self to classizzle!" I mounted my "imaginary horse" with expeditious haste and took off to class at a somewhat embarrassing pace. I arrived at Knapp and began flying (not really, my horse ain't no freakin' Pegasus!) up the stairs. As I passed the 2nd floor landing I checked my phone to see how late I was running and what kind of excuse I could formulate which would explain a sufficiently tardiness. Well, guess what Denisonians!? My phone told me it was in fact only 8:15. I had been duped! Fooled! Tricked! Bamboozled! Hornswaggled! The wool had been pooled over my eyes! The clock which sits so majestically upon Huff-daddy was WRONG!

Well thanks for reading everyone. Have a time-accurate day!

Jono "The Bomb-dot-com" Sarver

P.S. For a fee of only $21947.99, each of you can join The Association and help me to reset this damn clock! (In no way should this comment be considered a jab at my good friend H.B. Augustine)

International Students by Slayter Box 8022

“Two changes will take effect beginning with the 2010-11 academic year:
1. Denison need-based funding for off-campus study will no longer be made available for full year programs. It will be provided for just one semester.
2. Providing an international study opportunity to students of need is primary to our financial aid commitment to off campus study programs. Because this opportunity is effectively already being fulfilled for international students through their four year program on the Denison campus, international students no longer will be eligible to receive Denison funding for an off-campus study program in addition to their Denison experience…
These steps are necessary to enable us to continue to provide need-based aid to a growing number of eligible students wanting to enroll in off-campus study programs. Though this letter is undoubtedly disappointing, I hope you understand the necessity for these changes…”
Now. Let’s consider the problems in this little missive here, shall we? For some strange reason, NEED-BASED financial aid is being cut off…for INTERNATIONAL students, the yearly income of some of whose families’ is less than $10,000…And Denison believes this to be completely and utterly sane/reasonable. Let’s attempt to integrate ourselves into this utterly rational and comprehensive mindset, shall we?
Denison University is a university which strives for diversity and equality for the sake of all of its students! Therefore, differences in class, nationality, religion, race, sexuality, and ethnicity shall be treated in the spirit of the liberal arts education, which Denison trumpets about at every opportunity! The liberal arts philosophy and way of thinking is what attracts our staff and faculty to the proud title of Denisonian!...Pause, stop, rewind. The letter targets specifically international students, even if the intention was not such; every one can see this if they bother to actually read the thing. None of the Professors were aware of the decision until it actually came out and distressed students/advisees began their attempts at imitating Dobby’s hairstyle (started tearing at their hair in frustration).
Denison University is already meeting the needs of international students’…international experience by allowing them the privilege of being part of the Granville, Ohio experience! The ultimate in international experiences! Therefore, their financial needs are met in that regard, and we can not sponsor yet another off-campus gallivant!...Pause, stop, rewind. Nothing against Granville (goodness knows it’s not the worst place for an academic experience), but how is a semester in Philadelphia, or Washington DC, or in any other American city/state any more or less international than Denison? Honestly, there is something fundamentally wrong with that thought. And, once again, nothing against American students, but don’t they get financial aid/scholarships from Denison as well? And, from what humble little ‘ole me understands, theirs will transfer to a semester of an “international” experience…even if that experience is in Philadelphia/Washington DC/Any Other American City/State You Can Think Of…
We are looking to admit as many students as our already filled-up buildings can take, including luring in even more internationals…since in the last two years we’ve had more of the latter than ever before! And, of course, we are sure that this blatant targeting of their needs and interests will not result in the direct opposite of this little venture and turn people away! Because people understand, right? They understand that we are in a financial crisis and therefore can’t be expected to meet the needs of EVERY single person, right?...Pause, stop, rewind. “These steps are necessary to enable us to continue to provide need-based aid to a growing number of eligible students wanting to enroll…” And I stop there, because honestly, with glaring separations like this, not only will international students be unwilling to sign up for an off-campus experience, but they will be unwilling to sign up for Denison at all. Goodness knows I would have been had I known about this earlier.
Where is everything that you promised us, Denison? Where is the equality and celebration of diversity you were ranting and raving about? We did not sign up for this. We did not go through the long and stressful process of applications and essays and recommendation letters to have this sprung on us. And, as much as we try to, we can not follow your…logic, if I may be so bold as to call it such. How can you explain this to us, Denison?
8022

The Powers That Be by Slayter Box 7160

Dear The Denison Powers That Be That Have Screwed Over Many Students This Past Week,
I would like to draw your attention to your recently released letter, which states:
“Two changes will take effect beginning with the 2010-11 academic year:
1. Denison need-based funding for off-campus study will no longer be made available for full year programs. It will be provided for just one semester.
2. Providing an international study opportunity to students of need is primary to our financial aid commitment to off campus study programs. Because this opportunity is effectively already being fulfilled for international students through their four year program on the Denison campus, international students no longer will be eligible to receive Denison funding for an off-campus study program in addition to their Denison experience.”
Now, read the non-discrimination policy that your forbearers, in their academic and institutional integrity, have laid out for you to follow:
“Denison University does not engage in discrimination in its educational, student life, and employment policies against students, employees, or prospective employees, on the basis of race, color, religion, ethnic or national origin, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, or veteran status.”
So…international students have been barred from the opportunity to receive financial aid to go abroad. This sounds like they are being discriminated against because of their national origin. Naughty, naughty Denison Powers That Be.
They sign up to go to a school where they are informed they will be treated THE SAME as every other student on campus and then, oh, whoops, nope, nevermind…they are “special” and “different”!!! They have added diversity to this school by having graduated from a high school in another country (which you can brag about to prospective students without mentioning the way you’ve treated them) so now you are going to screw them over and not let them study abroad. I bet they feel so accepted, so much a part of this “community” everyone keeps blathering on about. And, really, really, you just had to wait until the week after the MLK “Celebrating Community” events because the timing was just too sweet, too perfect, to see the dreams and sense of acceptance crumble right after everyone on campus talks about the possibility (slim as it may be) of being better stewards of campus inclusion and consideration.
And do you really think you can attempt to act like a weasel and shimmy your way out of a lawsuit because this is a “financial” policy, not an educational one? Because, as we all know, studying off-campus is all about the EDUCATIONAL and STUDENT LIFE opportunities and this opportunity is not available to someone if they don’t have the money to pay for it. It’s all about the money, guys. And you totally knew that, attempting to logic your way out of this by prefacing your blatantly discriminatory move with the idea that international students have already had the experience of studying abroad…by studying at Denison…so they don’t need to go study somewhere that will enhance their educational experience with a different cultural and educational perspective from the one they will receive here as they have already taken college classes elsewhere, right? What’s that? NO! oh, well then…guess they’re just SOL.
And what about all those American students who have also been lied to? Did you not promise all of them and their families that their financial aid would transfer to off-campus programs in order to rope them all into coming to Granville, OH, tiny town (yes, cute, but still…exciting much? nope, not at all) USA? Oh, but you forgot to mention the fact that once they sign on the dotted line and sweat and panic over their multipart proposal, you are just gonna tell them you will only cover the first semester. I bet you think they should feel happy, privledged even because they are not one of those poor international students who just gets nothing. They should feel lucky, right? WRONG! Sure, one semester will get covered but that does not mitigate the fact that you broke a promise, a soft contract so to speak. And you broke it AFTER everyone has applied to their programs, be it for a year or a semester, so changing plans now that the financials have changed is ridiculously difficult and basically falls to an option: Pay Up or Don’t Go. But, they shouldn’t be angry. Oh no, not at all.
So, Denison Powers That Be, what else will you do to salvage this budget crisis once you get sued? Or what about the fact that this money was already appropriated to these students when they signed the dotted line accepting a 4-year aid plan in exchange for coming to Denison? If they don’t go abroad since you’ve screwed them over and you can’t steal that money from their hands anymore, are you going to start dipping into everyone else’s aid instead? Or will you take it from these screwed over students anyway, since they were planning on leaving campus and you can try to weasel a claim the money isn’t theirs anymore? At least then you won’t piss off somebody whose parents speak English, are in a time zone when they can call and yell at you, and can hire that big, expensive lawyer to stop this all from happening. But, heck, you’ve already shown you don’t care about the consequences to the students anyway, so why not just take all our aid away to fund this school? Oh, wait, then there will be no students and the school disappears; but, problem solved, no more financial difficulties!
Thanks, Denison Powers That Be, for being so considerate of your students, ALL of your students. Next time, though, make sure to read your own recorded policy before attempting to “salvage” the budget through discrimination and dream-shattering. Unless you really, really enjoy screwing over and pissing off the people who are PAYING to go here and the alums who went here and give you endowment money. And when this plan backfires in so many ways and you have to go back to the drawing board, please remember the clients of this school aka the students and the promises you gave them.
~7160

Tammy Waters by Everett Daily

Hello Denison community,
For those of you who do not know, which I am sure is well over 50% of Denison’s campus, facility services (phys. plant) lost a wonderful, joyful, humorous, beautiful woman by the name of Tammy Waters. Tammy Waters passed away after a car accident about 3 weeks ago. She had been working for Denison University since the ‘90s. She, along with Diane, was the house keeper in the Brownstone apartments and Curtis East. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I am pretty sure that Denison University did not make the campus aware of the death of Tammy Waters. Last year, a Denison professor died and we all received emails about his death, his family, and funeral arrangements, as well as a memorial that would be held for him and that was over Christmas break. Why is it that Denison did not do the same for Tammy? The LEAST that Denison could have done was to let our “community” know that she passed away and provided us with the funeral arrangements. I had the pleasure of working with Tammy and all of the other facility services employees and I am upset that I did not know about Tammy and I wanted to attend her funeral. However, I guess because she is not a professor or someone who Denison deems as significant, her life is not as valuable as the next. Housekeepers aren’t worth a damn email apparently. But I guess Denison assumed that no one would care seeing that the same attitude is reflected in most, not all, Denison students. There are students on Denison’s campus who treat the people who make sure that they have clean bathrooms, clean hallways, a clean campus, lofted beds, working lights, working air/heat, clean carpets, clean rooms (yes they clean EVERY SINGLE ROOM right before you move in for fall semester and some rooms several times because of summer programs that utilize the dorms), fixed doors, clean blinds, clean kitchens, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. like they are beneath them. MOST students never even open their mouths to say hi. People seem to think that since they are only “maids” and “janitors” they don’t deserve to be treated with respect. Since it’s their job, they do not need a thank you. It is not their job to clean urine out of the hallway carpet. It is not their job to clean feces out of the showers and out of the sinks. It is not their job to clean up disrespect and filth. Way to put a price on life Denison, way to encourage your Denisonians. Diversity right?

P.S.- To the R.A. on the 4th floor of Shorney by the elevator and Dan Fosselman whom was quoted on the R.A.’s bulletin board: Two people in a room does not equal diversity, that equals difference and a terrible excuse for diversity. If my brother and I are standing in a room, there would not be any religious, cultural, or social diversity. We would just be different. Diversity is bigger than difference.

Everett D- daily_e@denison.edu

Rob and Taylor's [belated] Holiday List

Rob and Taylor’s “Holiday” List
(We really mean Christmas, but we provided you with 8 items if you choose to celebrate other holidays)

1. Stephen Hawking Wheelchair – Why would you have the Stephen Hawking Wheelchair if you are able bodied? Well you wouldn’t need it then. But, if you are too drunk and stoned to stand or even talk, then the Steven Hawking Wheelchair would provide you with normal communicative and transportation skills in your fucked up state, allowing you to attend class or other events without facing scrutiny from your peers.
2. Chad Ochocinco condoms* – “Catches everything your Johnson shoots!” This is an actual quote from the package.
3. Compilation of tits from childhood movies – Guys, remember the first pair of cans you ever saw? You know, maybe your mom didn’t know there was nudity in a movie, or one of your childhood bros’ older brother had some wisdom to pass down to you, wink wink. Well, how would you like to own every scene from these various movies, such as “American Pie”, “Titanic”, “Revenge or the Nerds” or for you freshmen “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”.
4. Gift certificate to a “bomb ass burger joint” – Like our hero Ray J, what’s a classier place to take five dime pieces (or one Kennedy fifty cent piece worth of bitches) than a “bomb ass burger joint?” And what is sexier than bomb ass burgers?
5. Baracksketball* – A basketball with a picture of Barack Obama. How to play Baracksketball: One person is the Barack and the rest of the players are the campaign aides. The campaign aides have to let the Barack win every time.
6. Tiger Woods Driving 2010 – a new game release from EA Sports, where the goal of the game is to outdrive Tiger Woods… in a car… racing away from his wife.
7. Bro Jersey* – There’s nothing finer than receiving a brand new bro jersey. Bro Jersey – a button down shirt that bros wear when they want to score, which is all the time.
8. Friends* – Just like every year, we ask for friends and we still don’t have any.

*These are actual products available at any common store
Love,
Rob and Taylor

The Terrorists are Wearing Suits by Colin Murphy

The Terrorists are Wearing Suits

While we “recover” from this “financial crisis” that is ostensibly “nobody’s fault”, the number of lies hiding between quotation marks is rising. As bankers and CEOs such as Lloyd Bankfein of Goldman Sachs testify in front of the Senate that they are merely doing God’s work in essentially running the economy, it seems that they plan on getting away with raping and pillaging the coffers of both the public and private sectors without a second thought. Even their recent insistence that any new taxes on banks that took bailout money would just be passed along to customers speaks of a corporate mindset that puts exploitation of the powerless consumer above any responsibility to the taxpayers whose money they are currently spending; yes, we all share the joy of contributing to the current spree of banking bonuses, as a large part of their windfall profits have come from their relatively newfound ability to borrow money at practically 0% interest from the Fed.

It is at this point that hard line Republicans and Libertarians should be throwing their hands up in disgust, for we no longer have the much vaunted ‘free market’ but instead a government-subsidized monopoly, the worst aspects of socialism and capitalism blended into an awful form of financial oligarchy. The big banks are both dining on government bailouts and taking all the risk they like with that essentially free money from the Fed. And the business practices of the most successful “banks” are the most despicable, as evidenced by the unholy kings of the race to the ethical bottom, Goldman Sachs, who employ abhorrently amoral techniques such as high frequency trading to enjoy record breaking profits in the midst of this “Great Recession.”

We are a nation that remains paralyzed in fear of terrorists without, yet it is the well dressed terrorists within that are causing far more untold wanton destruction. I tell you this not because I believe that we have the power to change the course our nation is on – with banks having essentially unlimited funds from the Fed and the Fed being an autonomous, unelected governmental institution, we have been systematically stripped of our power both as consumers and taxpayers. But this is still our fault for preferring to fight over easily digestible issues that could be packaged into convenient sound bites instead of grappling with corporate creep.

While we fought an imaginary culture war, they had already won the fight to control the engines that powered the economy and abused them to fuel their own profits. In our hope for change we elected an inexperienced corporatist to preside over his fellow shills in Washington, and now we are reaping the spoils of those empty promises. We rewarded those who wrecked the worldwide economy with more money, and the stage is set for the cycle to begin anew.

-Colin “blame me, I voted Democrat” Murphy, Slayter Box 8220

In Defense of Cinema by J.M. Wagner

I just wanted to take a minute to express my growing frustration, disappointment and
embarrassment at how people at this school - and, of course, people in the broader
community - really have no idea what it means to study Cinema. And that includes those
who have legitimately studied in other artistic fields.

I think everyone I know in the department has had an experience where they've told
someone they're a Cinema major, and the response has been, like, "Oh... so you want to be
the next Michael Bay?" And, really, that might almost be an acceptable response... maybe
from someone who was in a really bad skiing accident or something. Frankly, who doesn't
want to be Michael Bay? (Answer: ultimately, probably Michael Bay.)

But being a girl in the Cinema department is even worse. At least a boy gets to be the
director in this delusion. 9 times out of 10 when I tell someone I'm a Cinema major, the
response is: "Oh, so you want to be an actress?"

I still don't even know how to respond to that. It's not that I think there's anything
wrong with being an actress or studying to be one. It just genuinely has absolutely
nothing to do with what I'm doing in the Cinema department. Here's a fictional short
scene I wrote to try to put it in perspective:

Student: My major is Marine Biology.
Possibly a Stroke victim: Oh, so you want to be a sailboat?

The truth is, I might see a sailboat. I might use a sailboat. I might read about a
sailboat? But do I want to be a sailboat... Let me get back to you after grad school.

That's actually the better of two situations. Because that type of person obviously just
has no idea what I'm talking about. At all. There is always another type of person who
asks me if I want to be an actress, but does it in a tone that is remarkably
condescending. Not only does this person think he knows what he's talking about - but he
thinks that I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's an equivalent dramatization:

Student: My major is Marine Biology.
Asshole: Oh... so you want to work at Petsmart?

Yes. That's what I want to do with my 6-12 years of higher education. I want to inventory
green plastic tank nets at Petsmart. (Dear cinema majors: there may be a good chance this
is what you're going to do with your 6-12 years of higher education.)

Our culture is so constantly overrun with visual imagery that people come to believe that
this stuff happens on its own. I'm sure you could shoot a video on your cellphone that's
going to appear to be better quality than some of the work I've seen (read: done) in the
Cinema department. But there is so much that goes in to creating Cinema and to studying
Cinema that people refuse to take into consideration. Tri Delts, I know you really felt
like you were in that courtroom with Elle Woods in 2001, but do you know how much work
went into to creating that courtroom? To giving you that feeling?

I think there's sort of this myth about the way the film industry works that is beyond
simplification. You might think that Bradley Cooper gets up in the morning, shits DVDs
and then sells them to you over Amazon.com*. In reality, there's a little more to the
process. You have to eat a lot of Chipotle before you're going to shit a gem like All
About Steve.

Um... I don't know if I had a point I was trying to make here. Just, uh, don't be stupid.
I don't come over to the English department and ask you if you want to be a Xerox machine.

* I'm pretty sure Tyler Perry is the only person in history to successfully employ this
method of filmmaking.



Thx.