HEADLINES from the FUTURE!
Solar-Electric Cars Gain Consciousness, Destroy Chicago
Using less energy than a common household toaster
Drunkenness, Lust, and Depravity bring Apocalypse to Granville
“This Whit’s frozen custard is simply divine,” say Four Horsemen
Miller vs. Nogay Battle of Eloquence Ends in Death
Leaves American Wetlands in Ruins
150-Year Search for Quick, Easy Quiche Recipe Concludes
In retrospect, seems kind of silly after all
Bullsheet Editors Pop from behind Bush, Kick Rob and Taylor in Shins
Does not ameliorate editors’ feelings of inadequacy
-FutureKaitlyn FutureGrissom, unemployed cab driver
Monday, September 28, 2009
Air Conditioning by Rob and Taylor
Preface: Instant nostalgia, read as many times as needed.
Rob: I cannot live another day without air conditioning
Taylor: Says tomorrow’s gonna be hotter.
Rob: Hotter?
Taylor: Like yesterday.
Rob: Yesterday? Yesterday you said you’d call Sears!
Taylor: *shrugs* I’ll call today!
Rob: You’ll call now.
Taylor: *smiles* I’ll call now.
-Days later-
Rob: What’s the paper say about tomorrow?
Taylor: Another scorcher!
Rob: *flips hair* Cool!
Love,
Rob and Taylor
Rob: I cannot live another day without air conditioning
Taylor: Says tomorrow’s gonna be hotter.
Rob: Hotter?
Taylor: Like yesterday.
Rob: Yesterday? Yesterday you said you’d call Sears!
Taylor: *shrugs* I’ll call today!
Rob: You’ll call now.
Taylor: *smiles* I’ll call now.
-Days later-
Rob: What’s the paper say about tomorrow?
Taylor: Another scorcher!
Rob: *flips hair* Cool!
Love,
Rob and Taylor
I Shall Pong No More by Hedgehog 7426
After being written up for playing a festive game of beer pong, I have come to more fully understand what my actions mean to those around me, myself, and my community. I cannot express enough how badly I feel that I broke the law and put others around me at risk, and I fully understand that I cannot be caught doing this type of thing again. To ensure that this type of behavior does not happen again, I will refuse to touch unholy substances and liquids to my lips, and I shall strike down upon thee who attempt to harm my community through the unlawful consumption of said unholy substances. Furthermore, I previously refused to fathom the effects beer pong on the community but I am forced to come to terms with three simple facts; 1) pong balls make a lot of noise when you shoot them into cups filled with beer, 2) loud celebrations of shots made disturb those in the community, and thus I must ensure that silence is produced forthright and without disdain for the system, and 3) alcohol is not supposed to be consumed by young people as a form of college socializing at a small private school in Ohio. In terms of my personal habits as they relate to alcohol, I understand that although I was raised European style (I am British) and although the drinking age is 18 everywhere else in the world, Americans are much less fun and I must obey the rules as long as I stay here and attend this wonderful school. State law says I must be 21, and this institution does not allow drinking in dorm rooms. I do not want to get into any kind of trouble, so I shall restrict my beer drinking to when I am in the comfort of my own home. I can assure the school and the administration that I am not the kind of student who has finally gotten to the forbidden fruit of alcohol after years of stone cold sobriety, and therefore I don’t binge drink until I puke like many other kids at this school who were brought up without ever touching the stuff. I’m educated and responsible, and I don’t need to drink because frankly I do not feel that it is anything special. Thus, with this in mind, I can easily refrain from breaking the rules again and intend to do so as long as I am at this institution. Thank you.
The Hedgehog, 7426
The Hedgehog, 7426
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Stas Nogay,You Timorous Sod by Matt Miller
Dear Stas Nogay, you timorous sod,
It is I, not you, who should be grossly offensive.....ah, offended. The implication that
my critique of the aptly-named tit-curtain dresses stemmed from sexually-motivated
aesthetics and a desire to use the verb ogle transitively is a dastardly one! And you,
sir, are a dastard--a mean, sneaky coward who suggests in a very public forum with strong
language that I oppose the new feminist revolution of anti-attractiveness. If I could
type in italics for emphasis without seeming to favor Italians, long known to be the most
ardent saboteurs of the anti-attractiveness campaign, I would.
I did not have space in my original posting to elaborate on my aims for resolving the
tit-curtain dress issue, having much more time-sensitive issues to deal with--namely,
insulting Sweden for helping Nazis. Now, however, I feel that my plan must be fully laid
out.
I propose, with a hint of modesty, that this judgment of what women wear by basic tenets
of "Hey, did you rob a Calcuttan hobo for that?" and "Did you sew that yourself on a
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday night?" might be avoided completely by simply
requiring that all men wear a set of blinders which would limit their viewpoints to only
the space twelve inches in front of their feet. This, I feel, would wholly resolve these
incidents of critique, as it is widely known that men serve as the root of all judgment
in areas of fashion. These blinkers would allow women to wear whatever they want--even
nothing!--without being criticized by male passersby. Furthermore, they would prevent men
from any ogling whatsoever, as well as continue the overall project of the tit-curtain
dress (this being, of course, to bring the human race to a swift and orgasm-less
conclusion) without the constrictive feelings of a poncho held up by bits of elastic,
prayers, and whatever the plastic surgeon has been able to endow you with.
So let us usher in a new era, Mr Nogay--one without the visual pleasure of a curve or
even the blanch of horror at what appear to be floral shroud wrappings; an era where,
with men's harshly critical eyes in all things concerning fashion shuttered, these brave,
airy women no longer face the scorn heaped upon them for looking as though they
accidentally robbed a fabric store and weren't quite sure what to do with their goods.
And, Mr Nogay, I'm glad you mentioned my lusty man-eyes; I've been waiting ages for
someone to notice them.
Competently yours,
Matt "uhhhh......... no gay?" Miller, 8368
It is I, not you, who should be grossly offensive.....ah, offended. The implication that
my critique of the aptly-named tit-curtain dresses stemmed from sexually-motivated
aesthetics and a desire to use the verb ogle transitively is a dastardly one! And you,
sir, are a dastard--a mean, sneaky coward who suggests in a very public forum with strong
language that I oppose the new feminist revolution of anti-attractiveness. If I could
type in italics for emphasis without seeming to favor Italians, long known to be the most
ardent saboteurs of the anti-attractiveness campaign, I would.
I did not have space in my original posting to elaborate on my aims for resolving the
tit-curtain dress issue, having much more time-sensitive issues to deal with--namely,
insulting Sweden for helping Nazis. Now, however, I feel that my plan must be fully laid
out.
I propose, with a hint of modesty, that this judgment of what women wear by basic tenets
of "Hey, did you rob a Calcuttan hobo for that?" and "Did you sew that yourself on a
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday night?" might be avoided completely by simply
requiring that all men wear a set of blinders which would limit their viewpoints to only
the space twelve inches in front of their feet. This, I feel, would wholly resolve these
incidents of critique, as it is widely known that men serve as the root of all judgment
in areas of fashion. These blinkers would allow women to wear whatever they want--even
nothing!--without being criticized by male passersby. Furthermore, they would prevent men
from any ogling whatsoever, as well as continue the overall project of the tit-curtain
dress (this being, of course, to bring the human race to a swift and orgasm-less
conclusion) without the constrictive feelings of a poncho held up by bits of elastic,
prayers, and whatever the plastic surgeon has been able to endow you with.
So let us usher in a new era, Mr Nogay--one without the visual pleasure of a curve or
even the blanch of horror at what appear to be floral shroud wrappings; an era where,
with men's harshly critical eyes in all things concerning fashion shuttered, these brave,
airy women no longer face the scorn heaped upon them for looking as though they
accidentally robbed a fabric store and weren't quite sure what to do with their goods.
And, Mr Nogay, I'm glad you mentioned my lusty man-eyes; I've been waiting ages for
someone to notice them.
Competently yours,
Matt "uhhhh......... no gay?" Miller, 8368
Yes! The Bullsheet is Back! by Christoffer Stromstedt
Yes! The Bullsheet is back! And this time it's more interesting than ever because it's
(partly) about me and my character! I love personal attacks. I love personal attacks even
more than unsubstantiated complaints. So thank you Erin Mulhern, it's good to see that
someone will carry the torch of douche-baggery into the next school year. Unfortunately
(for you, that is), I will be graduating in the spring, but with Erin still around, you
can rest assured that douche-baggery will not relent on this hill.
Matt Miller, I'm glad you clarified Kaitlyn's point about Christopher Hitchens, because
it totally escaped me. I was like huh? And then I was like what? And then I was like
oooh...? But now that you let me know what her article was really about, I feel like such
a douche for criticizing her. Please forgive me Kaitlyn, I just didn't know. As for
Sweden's involvement with the Nazis during WWII, that too had completely escaped me.
Finally my country makes sense to me.
As you can probably tell by now, even though you're probably stupid, dear reader, I have
nothing to say in this article either. Writing about something substantial or important
just isn't as appealing to me as complaining, and I'm not very good at it either. I'm
really good at complaining though. So Matt Miller, and all you other people who could not
see the purpose of my complaints last week, there really wasn't any. Except some kind of
Socratic dismissal of everybody's intelligence (because we all know, I am a lot smarter
than most of you guys). In other words, if you want substantiated arguments, write it
yourself, or please find Darrin Collins. Actually, please find Darrin Collins anyway.
I must say, however, that some of the articles these last couple of days have been very
good. So thank you Rob and Taylor, and thank you Stas. And thank you Bullsheet editors.
Without you I would not be able to complain to anyone but my small group of friends, and
even they don't listen to me most of the time.
Christoffer "reason is just another system of belief" Strömstedt
PS.
Sarcasm: good, Israel: bad. Feminism: good, Hitchens: pretty dumb. The Bullsheet: great
(please JT, don't cry), its readers: so-so. Stas Nogay: eloquent, Matt Miller: I want to
say pretentious, but he sits next to me in class so he might punch me. Substantial
arguments: necessary, complaints: unnecessary. Darrin Collins: why did you graduate?,
academic integrity: way out of hand. Contradictions: good, absolutism: bad. You: good,
me: slightly better.
(partly) about me and my character! I love personal attacks. I love personal attacks even
more than unsubstantiated complaints. So thank you Erin Mulhern, it's good to see that
someone will carry the torch of douche-baggery into the next school year. Unfortunately
(for you, that is), I will be graduating in the spring, but with Erin still around, you
can rest assured that douche-baggery will not relent on this hill.
Matt Miller, I'm glad you clarified Kaitlyn's point about Christopher Hitchens, because
it totally escaped me. I was like huh? And then I was like what? And then I was like
oooh...? But now that you let me know what her article was really about, I feel like such
a douche for criticizing her. Please forgive me Kaitlyn, I just didn't know. As for
Sweden's involvement with the Nazis during WWII, that too had completely escaped me.
Finally my country makes sense to me.
As you can probably tell by now, even though you're probably stupid, dear reader, I have
nothing to say in this article either. Writing about something substantial or important
just isn't as appealing to me as complaining, and I'm not very good at it either. I'm
really good at complaining though. So Matt Miller, and all you other people who could not
see the purpose of my complaints last week, there really wasn't any. Except some kind of
Socratic dismissal of everybody's intelligence (because we all know, I am a lot smarter
than most of you guys). In other words, if you want substantiated arguments, write it
yourself, or please find Darrin Collins. Actually, please find Darrin Collins anyway.
I must say, however, that some of the articles these last couple of days have been very
good. So thank you Rob and Taylor, and thank you Stas. And thank you Bullsheet editors.
Without you I would not be able to complain to anyone but my small group of friends, and
even they don't listen to me most of the time.
Christoffer "reason is just another system of belief" Strömstedt
PS.
Sarcasm: good, Israel: bad. Feminism: good, Hitchens: pretty dumb. The Bullsheet: great
(please JT, don't cry), its readers: so-so. Stas Nogay: eloquent, Matt Miller: I want to
say pretentious, but he sits next to me in class so he might punch me. Substantial
arguments: necessary, complaints: unnecessary. Darrin Collins: why did you graduate?,
academic integrity: way out of hand. Contradictions: good, absolutism: bad. You: good,
me: slightly better.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Worst Day Ever by Slayter Box 7318
i woke up at eight for my eight thirty. flip flops are awesome, because mansauce oozed
between the tiles of the shower. i walked to class with my fly unzipped. since it was
trayless tuesday, i could only manage to carry a drink and a plate of "stir fry." orange
mandarin chicken was an exaggeration. shitty rice plus shitty vegetables plus shitty
chicken plus shitty curtissauce. man sauce and curtis sauce.
i learned some more stuff, which allowed me to come even closer to the realization that
no matter how much i know and read i will never have a girlfriend. thought about how hot
some of the freshman girls were, but then made the sad correlation between hot girls and
brofucks. took a nap. perhaps i had dreams. at least i was blissfully unaware of the fact
that my roommate sat a fat pair of arabian goggles on my peacefully closed eyes.
went to "meal exchange." but, since curtis is yet to provide me with a real meal i call
it "shit exchange." one turd for another. paid fifteen cents for extra crackers. ten
cents for water. read thomas pynchon. decided sodexho was somehow taking control of the
world. tired of sodexho, i shit it all out. change of tense. changed of tense. until the
next day.
did some homework. watched some porn. decided to smoke some pot with my "friends." got
caught by denny the ever-vigilant security guard. i am unfamiliar with libel shit so i'm
not sure what i'm allowed to say. this story isn't actually true anyway. bitter. returned
to my room. farted on my roommate's pillow. a skunk skunked skunk skeet right outside my
window. it almost smelled like the weed i got caught smoking. just kidding, i don't smoke
good weed. tomato bath. oedipa maas.
-RL
between the tiles of the shower. i walked to class with my fly unzipped. since it was
trayless tuesday, i could only manage to carry a drink and a plate of "stir fry." orange
mandarin chicken was an exaggeration. shitty rice plus shitty vegetables plus shitty
chicken plus shitty curtissauce. man sauce and curtis sauce.
i learned some more stuff, which allowed me to come even closer to the realization that
no matter how much i know and read i will never have a girlfriend. thought about how hot
some of the freshman girls were, but then made the sad correlation between hot girls and
brofucks. took a nap. perhaps i had dreams. at least i was blissfully unaware of the fact
that my roommate sat a fat pair of arabian goggles on my peacefully closed eyes.
went to "meal exchange." but, since curtis is yet to provide me with a real meal i call
it "shit exchange." one turd for another. paid fifteen cents for extra crackers. ten
cents for water. read thomas pynchon. decided sodexho was somehow taking control of the
world. tired of sodexho, i shit it all out. change of tense. changed of tense. until the
next day.
did some homework. watched some porn. decided to smoke some pot with my "friends." got
caught by denny the ever-vigilant security guard. i am unfamiliar with libel shit so i'm
not sure what i'm allowed to say. this story isn't actually true anyway. bitter. returned
to my room. farted on my roommate's pillow. a skunk skunked skunk skeet right outside my
window. it almost smelled like the weed i got caught smoking. just kidding, i don't smoke
good weed. tomato bath. oedipa maas.
-RL
And if You're Too Busy, Find Darrin Collins by Matt Miller
Dear Christoffer,
I think Kaitlyn's point was less that her articles were boring, and more that Hitchens
was a sexist prig playing grossly on stereotypes that we, as thinking adults , etc.,
should challenge. Which isn't to say that he's not witty or funny. Just that he's a
prig.
Incidentally, he's also not very good at applying scientific method to things other
than the things he doesn't agree with. For more on that, see my previous (and as yet
unchallenged, so we'll assume it's spot on) article concerning atheism.
I'll actually throw a commendation in there for JT- at least he's trying. He took the
time to write an article about something that interested/annoyed him, filled unoccupied
space in the Bullsheet, and prompted you to write a short and not particularly
substance-filled entry . I'll get back to this in a minute.
Linus, don't worry about it. I think instituting some means of evaluation mid-semester
could certainly be useful (as do a number of professors, who use this in their classes);
however, I think having a free-for-all, complain-as-often-as-you-like set up would also
be problematic. Maybe at the 5th week and 10th week marks.
Lastly, Christoffer, to your complaint about nostalgia for a time when the Bullsheet was
interesting: then make it that way. Give it a shot. Write about something you know, or
something that bothers you (and, while your problems with the Bullsheet would qualify, I
think you might have to expand your subject net a bit). Tell us about that translation,
or living in a foreign country, or Sweden in World War II (You lot fought the Nazis tooth
and nail, right? No? Neutrality, then? But...selling iron ore to Hitler? Why, you cheeky
dogs.)
The reason the Bullsheet doesn't seem to be interesting is that we don't have people
going on about racism (yet) or creating a fraternity dedicated to refusing to perform
cunnilingus or starting shitstorms over Palestine and Israel. So do it. Pick a fight.
Ask why there are all these damn dresses on campus that look tents hanging from girls'
chests, or why Denison insists on shining those stupid spotlights on the Campus Commons
every night in addition to the lighting encircling the oval (Seriously, Denison-- why?
It wastes electricity, is ugly as sin, and it's definitely more pleasant to cross when it
doesn't look like someone just broke out of your isolation ward.), or why we're all here,
anyway. Just try to give people something to talk about, argue, fight with.
And if you're too busy to do that, go find us Darrin Collins.
Matt Miller
I think Kaitlyn's point was less that her articles were boring, and more that Hitchens
was a sexist prig playing grossly on stereotypes that we, as thinking adults , etc.,
should challenge. Which isn't to say that he's not witty or funny. Just that he's a
prig.
Incidentally, he's also not very good at applying scientific method to things other
than the things he doesn't agree with. For more on that, see my previous (and as yet
unchallenged, so we'll assume it's spot on) article concerning atheism.
I'll actually throw a commendation in there for JT- at least he's trying. He took the
time to write an article about something that interested/annoyed him, filled unoccupied
space in the Bullsheet, and prompted you to write a short and not particularly
substance-filled entry . I'll get back to this in a minute.
Linus, don't worry about it. I think instituting some means of evaluation mid-semester
could certainly be useful (as do a number of professors, who use this in their classes);
however, I think having a free-for-all, complain-as-often-as-you-like set up would also
be problematic. Maybe at the 5th week and 10th week marks.
Lastly, Christoffer, to your complaint about nostalgia for a time when the Bullsheet was
interesting: then make it that way. Give it a shot. Write about something you know, or
something that bothers you (and, while your problems with the Bullsheet would qualify, I
think you might have to expand your subject net a bit). Tell us about that translation,
or living in a foreign country, or Sweden in World War II (You lot fought the Nazis tooth
and nail, right? No? Neutrality, then? But...selling iron ore to Hitler? Why, you cheeky
dogs.)
The reason the Bullsheet doesn't seem to be interesting is that we don't have people
going on about racism (yet) or creating a fraternity dedicated to refusing to perform
cunnilingus or starting shitstorms over Palestine and Israel. So do it. Pick a fight.
Ask why there are all these damn dresses on campus that look tents hanging from girls'
chests, or why Denison insists on shining those stupid spotlights on the Campus Commons
every night in addition to the lighting encircling the oval (Seriously, Denison-- why?
It wastes electricity, is ugly as sin, and it's definitely more pleasant to cross when it
doesn't look like someone just broke out of your isolation ward.), or why we're all here,
anyway. Just try to give people something to talk about, argue, fight with.
And if you're too busy to do that, go find us Darrin Collins.
Matt Miller
Axe? Pff! An Ode to Tag Body Spray by Rob and Taylor
In response to the bros that wrote the axe article we have this to say:
Fuck you.
A true bro wears Tag body spray. I haven’t seen anyone use Axe since the fifth grade. Bro, you sound like a tool, thus according to the transitive property of toolery, you are in fact a tool. You’re such a tool I used you to tighten up my lax stick. I can tell you from personal experience that Tag will get you all the puss you will ever need. I’ve smashed ALL THE BITCHES. And Hollister bro? Seriously? J.Crew has the best bro jerseys around. If we compared dick sizes I would win all the time, every time. I have the biggest dick in the world.
When im out boarding I can rock the Rob Dyrdek smell, when im going to WNBA games to pick up chicks I can spray on some Carmello Man-Anthony fragrance. I love Tag so much, I spray the Ludacris scent on my shit to make it smell good. Tag says it best themselves, “It’s beyond body spray. Performance. Personal style. Power. From the court to the club, smell the good life.” And why would they lie? What do they have to gain from selling their product?
So fuck you rob and taylor.
Love,
Rob and Taylor
Fuck you.
A true bro wears Tag body spray. I haven’t seen anyone use Axe since the fifth grade. Bro, you sound like a tool, thus according to the transitive property of toolery, you are in fact a tool. You’re such a tool I used you to tighten up my lax stick. I can tell you from personal experience that Tag will get you all the puss you will ever need. I’ve smashed ALL THE BITCHES. And Hollister bro? Seriously? J.Crew has the best bro jerseys around. If we compared dick sizes I would win all the time, every time. I have the biggest dick in the world.
When im out boarding I can rock the Rob Dyrdek smell, when im going to WNBA games to pick up chicks I can spray on some Carmello Man-Anthony fragrance. I love Tag so much, I spray the Ludacris scent on my shit to make it smell good. Tag says it best themselves, “It’s beyond body spray. Performance. Personal style. Power. From the court to the club, smell the good life.” And why would they lie? What do they have to gain from selling their product?
So fuck you rob and taylor.
Love,
Rob and Taylor
An Ode to Axe Body Spray by Rob and Taylor
I love Axe body spray. It is god’s greatest gift to man. Everyday after I wake up, and have my morning shot of jager, I take a long warm shower in Axe body spray. After I button up my Hollister bro jersey and throw on my Yankees cap, I spray some more on for good measure. The crisp smell gently wakes my roommate up, and after his morning shot of jager, he high fives me. He then gets ready for the day and I help him spray on his Axe body spray. Sometimes we mix our two scents to become one, but that is only when we really want to get laid- which is all the time. Finally before we leave, we compare our dick sizes (mine is almost always bigger, but he wins occasionally).
Ever since I have been using Axe body spray (5th grade) it hasn’t been tough getting the puss. I could not go on living my life without Axe body spray. If I was stranded on a desert island for the rest of my life and was only allowed three things it would be: my fantasy football team, a nice pair of tits and Axe. Axe has replaced shelter in the list of things I would need to survive because I live in it. I would say I go through about seven-to-ten bottles of Axe in a typical day; 12-14 on weekends, and 16-20 on spring break (CANCUN 09!!!!!)
I love this shit so much, I was sent to rehab for huffin’ it!
Boom that’s a segment!
Love,
Rob and Taylor.
Ever since I have been using Axe body spray (5th grade) it hasn’t been tough getting the puss. I could not go on living my life without Axe body spray. If I was stranded on a desert island for the rest of my life and was only allowed three things it would be: my fantasy football team, a nice pair of tits and Axe. Axe has replaced shelter in the list of things I would need to survive because I live in it. I would say I go through about seven-to-ten bottles of Axe in a typical day; 12-14 on weekends, and 16-20 on spring break (CANCUN 09!!!!!)
I love this shit so much, I was sent to rehab for huffin’ it!
Boom that’s a segment!
Love,
Rob and Taylor.
The Furthering of Douche-Baggery by Erin Mulhern
Dear Christoffer Strömstedt,
I found your recent letters of complaint to the Bullsheet especially inspiring. Way to
promote your own cause: The Furthering of Douche-baggery in the Media. As a fellow
supporter of such douche-baggery, I truly do appreciate your innovative opinions.
Seriously, dissing a feminist is so avant-garde. It's something that has totally never
been done before. I also appreciate your lack of evidence for your claims. It's so boring
to actually have proof in an argument.
And dissing the design editor was pure brilliance. Who actually care about breaking the
law? No one right. Speeding tickets were something thought up by humorless women. Also,
it's inexcusable for there to be a "behemoth" article when no one submits things to the
Bullsheet. Editors are expected to magically just have something on hand, right?
And dissing Linus' progressive ideas was so inspirational that it brought a tear to my
eye. Constructive criticism? Bah, who needs it. Seriously.
Finally, your uncommon way of not capitalizing the first letter of a new sentence was
beautiful and hipster...as is the way you spell your name with the two f's and put those
adorable little dots over the o.
In short, way to promote the cause of douche-baggery.
Looking forward to a time when the Bullsheet will be a storm of Christoffer
Strömstedt-like douche-baggery.
Erin Mulhern
I found your recent letters of complaint to the Bullsheet especially inspiring. Way to
promote your own cause: The Furthering of Douche-baggery in the Media. As a fellow
supporter of such douche-baggery, I truly do appreciate your innovative opinions.
Seriously, dissing a feminist is so avant-garde. It's something that has totally never
been done before. I also appreciate your lack of evidence for your claims. It's so boring
to actually have proof in an argument.
And dissing the design editor was pure brilliance. Who actually care about breaking the
law? No one right. Speeding tickets were something thought up by humorless women. Also,
it's inexcusable for there to be a "behemoth" article when no one submits things to the
Bullsheet. Editors are expected to magically just have something on hand, right?
And dissing Linus' progressive ideas was so inspirational that it brought a tear to my
eye. Constructive criticism? Bah, who needs it. Seriously.
Finally, your uncommon way of not capitalizing the first letter of a new sentence was
beautiful and hipster...as is the way you spell your name with the two f's and put those
adorable little dots over the o.
In short, way to promote the cause of douche-baggery.
Looking forward to a time when the Bullsheet will be a storm of Christoffer
Strömstedt-like douche-baggery.
Erin Mulhern
How Dare You Criticize the Tit-Curtain Dress! by Stas Nogay
Dear Matt Miller, you pompous prick,
I found your article in the Bullsheet yesterday (or was it two days ago? Damn you for your inconsistency, Bullsheet!) to be grossly offensive. I am astounded by your ignorance and lack of tact, you enormous, monolithic, Libertarian, deist, son of a turdnugget. You, sir, are a heinous reprobate unworthy of the ink spent on your submission. You sit there on your glorious intellectual hill, reproaching us for our misdeeds. Your clear, logical, often correctly spelled MINDLESS TIRADES are an insult to everything the Bullsheet stands for, and this time, you middling agent of nincompoopery, you have pushed me too far! One thing above all else sent me over the edge; one thing assaulted my sense of moral indignation more than anything Darrin Collins could have ever written. You, sir, are a fiend: HOW DARE YOU MOCK THE TIT-CURTAIN DRESS!
Who are you to criticize a woman for her choice of clothing? Women are people, too, you chauvinistic insult to sensitivity. Why should you care if a woman decides to hide her beautiful, shapely figure under a cloth that exposes nothing of her form, rendering her with the visual appeal, but none of the cuteness, of a child in a ghost costume with the head cut off? What is it to you if women insist on appearing similar in shape to a loogie shot into saran wrap? Why should you care at all if they decide to hide the enticing shape of plump (or not so plump) breasts under a veil of linen, silken, or cotton secrecy?
Most women who wear these dresses are in fairly good shape, and thus could show off fine figures of femininity, as prime examples of the success of the evolutionary development of sexual stimuli, but instead chose to hide themselves under a partition of bland, emotionless drapery that serves not only to hide them, but to distract from any potentially attractive feature they might otherwise posses. That is their choice! Why should you care?! You just see women as sex objects, don’t you? You just want them to wear more attractive clothing (i.e. anything else) so that you can ogle them with your lusty man-eyes, right? How dare you be so shallow as to give in to thousands of years of intellectual and emotional evolution and demand that your women be physically appealing to you! Women are beautiful individuals, and have every right to completely and totally destroy that beauty by wearing the functional and visual equivalent of a cardboard box, thus forcing men to love them for their minds and character, given that there is nothing a man could possibly find attractive in something that makes women look as much like a jellyfish as a human being. You, Matt Miller, are the kind of man who makes the loving, deep, nice, sweet men like me, who are so desperate for attention that we pretend not to judge women, even a little bit, by their looks, seem like arrogant, egotistical assholes who are actually fun to be around and don’t whine like little girls.
Therefore, I applaud you, you myriad of attractive women who wear figure-destroying tit-curtain dresses, for helping to stop the evils that are the male sex drive and the occasional female desire to feel attractive. You, in all of your drooping, hanging, completely unattractive drapery-esque glory, somehow manage to be less sexually appealing than if you were wearing a trench coat. Wearing ugly-ass, stupid, God-damn-I-want-to-punch-the-idiot-who-designed-these-things, appearance eviscerating dresses is your revolution, and only with their amazing ability to somehow make you uglier by hanging directly off of your breasts can you free yourselves from the shackles of men, and any chance you might ever have at finding a man who actually wants to sleep with you. You are the vanguards of a new feminism, and an era of anti-attractiveness. Let this new era, devoid of sexual appeal, a desert without a single oasis of good looks, be built upon the marvelous work of the hallowed tit-curtain dress, and curse you, Matt Miller, for trying to hinder this brilliant mission.
Sincerely,
Stas “$5 says a few people don’t understand sarcasm, even when it is really, really overdone” Nogay, Slayter Box 8282
I found your article in the Bullsheet yesterday (or was it two days ago? Damn you for your inconsistency, Bullsheet!) to be grossly offensive. I am astounded by your ignorance and lack of tact, you enormous, monolithic, Libertarian, deist, son of a turdnugget. You, sir, are a heinous reprobate unworthy of the ink spent on your submission. You sit there on your glorious intellectual hill, reproaching us for our misdeeds. Your clear, logical, often correctly spelled MINDLESS TIRADES are an insult to everything the Bullsheet stands for, and this time, you middling agent of nincompoopery, you have pushed me too far! One thing above all else sent me over the edge; one thing assaulted my sense of moral indignation more than anything Darrin Collins could have ever written. You, sir, are a fiend: HOW DARE YOU MOCK THE TIT-CURTAIN DRESS!
Who are you to criticize a woman for her choice of clothing? Women are people, too, you chauvinistic insult to sensitivity. Why should you care if a woman decides to hide her beautiful, shapely figure under a cloth that exposes nothing of her form, rendering her with the visual appeal, but none of the cuteness, of a child in a ghost costume with the head cut off? What is it to you if women insist on appearing similar in shape to a loogie shot into saran wrap? Why should you care at all if they decide to hide the enticing shape of plump (or not so plump) breasts under a veil of linen, silken, or cotton secrecy?
Most women who wear these dresses are in fairly good shape, and thus could show off fine figures of femininity, as prime examples of the success of the evolutionary development of sexual stimuli, but instead chose to hide themselves under a partition of bland, emotionless drapery that serves not only to hide them, but to distract from any potentially attractive feature they might otherwise posses. That is their choice! Why should you care?! You just see women as sex objects, don’t you? You just want them to wear more attractive clothing (i.e. anything else) so that you can ogle them with your lusty man-eyes, right? How dare you be so shallow as to give in to thousands of years of intellectual and emotional evolution and demand that your women be physically appealing to you! Women are beautiful individuals, and have every right to completely and totally destroy that beauty by wearing the functional and visual equivalent of a cardboard box, thus forcing men to love them for their minds and character, given that there is nothing a man could possibly find attractive in something that makes women look as much like a jellyfish as a human being. You, Matt Miller, are the kind of man who makes the loving, deep, nice, sweet men like me, who are so desperate for attention that we pretend not to judge women, even a little bit, by their looks, seem like arrogant, egotistical assholes who are actually fun to be around and don’t whine like little girls.
Therefore, I applaud you, you myriad of attractive women who wear figure-destroying tit-curtain dresses, for helping to stop the evils that are the male sex drive and the occasional female desire to feel attractive. You, in all of your drooping, hanging, completely unattractive drapery-esque glory, somehow manage to be less sexually appealing than if you were wearing a trench coat. Wearing ugly-ass, stupid, God-damn-I-want-to-punch-the-idiot-who-designed-these-things, appearance eviscerating dresses is your revolution, and only with their amazing ability to somehow make you uglier by hanging directly off of your breasts can you free yourselves from the shackles of men, and any chance you might ever have at finding a man who actually wants to sleep with you. You are the vanguards of a new feminism, and an era of anti-attractiveness. Let this new era, devoid of sexual appeal, a desert without a single oasis of good looks, be built upon the marvelous work of the hallowed tit-curtain dress, and curse you, Matt Miller, for trying to hinder this brilliant mission.
Sincerely,
Stas “$5 says a few people don’t understand sarcasm, even when it is really, really overdone” Nogay, Slayter Box 8282
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Criticism of Christopher Hitchens by Ron Santoni
Dear editors,
Sorry that I couldn't have my time with Christopher Hitchens last night; I simply wanted to give students priority. And when student questioning was still going on at 9:40 p.m.,it was time for me to get to other matters and start thinking of going "night- night".
But a few quick thoughts:
First, Hitchens is a very intelligent guy with a good sense of humor and an encyclopedic mind, plus an engaging manner. I'm glad --and surprised--that Dorries and Prachi and company worked so hard to bring him here. He's a trip! And he's very generous in taking all questions.
But he needs to hear a few questions in a critical vein:
Why does he insist on so many either/ors? Philosophy OR Religion? Science OR Religion? Literal minds OR minds that can entertain irony? Rational beings OR feeling beings? Rational answers OR feeling answers? Does he think that reason is the be all and end all of the human being, the only aspect of human reality to which we should attend in our attempt to make sense of our existence? Does he think that life is no deeper than logic? Does he really believe that he doesn't give a damn about a person's feelings of offense and oppression; that only reason counts? Does he really believe the apparent outcome of his logic--that nothing should be denied expression on public television, not even, e.g., an adult's committing fellatio on a 5 year old boy, or an adult male "enjoying" intercourse with a 7-year girl. If so, does he not care about the kind of society that public television pornography might produce? ( No,I've never viewed such"
Moreover, does Hitchens realize that he attacks religion on his narrow fundamentalist interpretations of religion. Does he not know that a great many
Christian believers are thinking, probing beings who would disown fundamentalist views, struggle with their faith, and come up with divergent interpretations of the Bible. Will he acknowledge that rigorous and prominent philosophers like Alasdair McIntyre and Charles Taylor, and some of Denison's own( smile!), see a way of combining faith and reason?
Hitchens has an unfair way of judging religion by its worst abuses. And I'd rather not judge his views entirely by his public expression last night?. But Mr Hitchens should know, as a science fundamentalist, that science, like religion, has its fundamentalists, who believe that everything can be reduced to science, that what is not confirmable empirical observation, makes no sense. But by that criterion--as he came close to admitting at one point--where are we to relegate his most strongly expressed views?
This is at last a quick start.
I hope that his appearance here will encourage healthy discussion, not just partisan applauding by his devotees.
Cordially yours and PEACE!
Ron Santoni
Sorry that I couldn't have my time with Christopher Hitchens last night; I simply wanted to give students priority. And when student questioning was still going on at 9:40 p.m.,it was time for me to get to other matters and start thinking of going "night- night".
But a few quick thoughts:
First, Hitchens is a very intelligent guy with a good sense of humor and an encyclopedic mind, plus an engaging manner. I'm glad --and surprised--that Dorries and Prachi and company worked so hard to bring him here. He's a trip! And he's very generous in taking all questions.
But he needs to hear a few questions in a critical vein:
Why does he insist on so many either/ors? Philosophy OR Religion? Science OR Religion? Literal minds OR minds that can entertain irony? Rational beings OR feeling beings? Rational answers OR feeling answers? Does he think that reason is the be all and end all of the human being, the only aspect of human reality to which we should attend in our attempt to make sense of our existence? Does he think that life is no deeper than logic? Does he really believe that he doesn't give a damn about a person's feelings of offense and oppression; that only reason counts? Does he really believe the apparent outcome of his logic--that nothing should be denied expression on public television, not even, e.g., an adult's committing fellatio on a 5 year old boy, or an adult male "enjoying" intercourse with a 7-year girl. If so, does he not care about the kind of society that public television pornography might produce? ( No,I've never viewed such"
Moreover, does Hitchens realize that he attacks religion on his narrow fundamentalist interpretations of religion. Does he not know that a great many
Christian believers are thinking, probing beings who would disown fundamentalist views, struggle with their faith, and come up with divergent interpretations of the Bible. Will he acknowledge that rigorous and prominent philosophers like Alasdair McIntyre and Charles Taylor, and some of Denison's own( smile!), see a way of combining faith and reason?
Hitchens has an unfair way of judging religion by its worst abuses. And I'd rather not judge his views entirely by his public expression last night?. But Mr Hitchens should know, as a science fundamentalist, that science, like religion, has its fundamentalists, who believe that everything can be reduced to science, that what is not confirmable empirical observation, makes no sense. But by that criterion--as he came close to admitting at one point--where are we to relegate his most strongly expressed views?
This is at last a quick start.
I hope that his appearance here will encourage healthy discussion, not just partisan applauding by his devotees.
Cordially yours and PEACE!
Ron Santoni
Why won't Christopher Hitchens go to Prom with Me? by Kaitlyn Grissom
Well, here I am again, bringing you yet another humorless, substandard Bullsheet. It’s okay, though. I don’t feel bad about it. After all, as atheist scholar and upcoming Denison speaker Christopher Hitchens informed me, it’s just because I’m a woman. He sure is a smart fella. I’m looking forward to seeing him tonight in Swayze Chapel at 8pm, when he speaks on the topic of religion and how it ruins everything. I highly encourage you to Google this guy before you attend, and come prepared with an arsenal of delicious quotes. Here are some of my favorites, taken from his Vanity Fair article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny”:
“There is something that you absolutely never hear from a male friend who is hymning his latest (female) love interest: "She's a real honey, has a life of her own …and, man, does she ever make 'em laugh.” Now, why is this?”
Actually, I have heard men say this. A lot. Christopher, do you actually have any male friends?
“The chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex… An average man has just one, outside chance: he had better be able to make the lady laugh….Women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way. They already appeal to men, if you catch my drift.”
Things that are false:
1) We women are so attractive that we don’t have to bother developing a personality. Every last one of us has a mile-long waiting list of cute boys who want to lap up our sweet, sweet woman-juice. Isn’t that right, ladies?
2) Men need to compensate for the fact that women aren’t physically attracted to them.
Does Christopher actually have any female friends? Because we objectify the menfolk right back. In fact, we frequently make crude sexual remarks about their hot little bodies which, if they heard them, would make them bite their pillows and cry.
Since the only research for this masterpiece comes from personal experience, consider this: Christopher Hitchens’ sample population of the female species consists of women who already have a pretty glaring character flaw: they hang out with Cristopher Hitchens. I submit this as a confounding variable.
“In any case, my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians… Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three.”
…so, obviously, they don’t count as women. Or comedians.
“Slower to get it, more pleased when they do, and swift to locate the unfunny—for this we need the Stanford University School of Medicine? And remember, this is women when confronted with humor. Is it any wonder that they are backward in generating it?”
Fem-Hulk…so angry… cannot formulate response…MUST SMASH!
“Male humor prefers the laugh to be at someone's expense, and understands that life is quite possibly a joke to begin with—and often a joke in extremely poor taste… Whereas women, bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is.”
Bless our tender hearts indeed, Christopher. Would you appreciate the female sense of sordid humor if one of them rammed a box of tampons down your throat and impaled you with a crucifix?
Denison friends. Be at Swayze tonight. This should be fun.
-Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor
“There is something that you absolutely never hear from a male friend who is hymning his latest (female) love interest: "She's a real honey, has a life of her own …and, man, does she ever make 'em laugh.” Now, why is this?”
Actually, I have heard men say this. A lot. Christopher, do you actually have any male friends?
“The chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex… An average man has just one, outside chance: he had better be able to make the lady laugh….Women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way. They already appeal to men, if you catch my drift.”
Things that are false:
1) We women are so attractive that we don’t have to bother developing a personality. Every last one of us has a mile-long waiting list of cute boys who want to lap up our sweet, sweet woman-juice. Isn’t that right, ladies?
2) Men need to compensate for the fact that women aren’t physically attracted to them.
Does Christopher actually have any female friends? Because we objectify the menfolk right back. In fact, we frequently make crude sexual remarks about their hot little bodies which, if they heard them, would make them bite their pillows and cry.
Since the only research for this masterpiece comes from personal experience, consider this: Christopher Hitchens’ sample population of the female species consists of women who already have a pretty glaring character flaw: they hang out with Cristopher Hitchens. I submit this as a confounding variable.
“In any case, my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians… Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three.”
…so, obviously, they don’t count as women. Or comedians.
“Slower to get it, more pleased when they do, and swift to locate the unfunny—for this we need the Stanford University School of Medicine? And remember, this is women when confronted with humor. Is it any wonder that they are backward in generating it?”
Fem-Hulk…so angry… cannot formulate response…MUST SMASH!
“Male humor prefers the laugh to be at someone's expense, and understands that life is quite possibly a joke to begin with—and often a joke in extremely poor taste… Whereas women, bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is.”
Bless our tender hearts indeed, Christopher. Would you appreciate the female sense of sordid humor if one of them rammed a box of tampons down your throat and impaled you with a crucifix?
Denison friends. Be at Swayze tonight. This should be fun.
-Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor
Dear Feminist Bullsheet Editor by Christoffer Stromstedt
Dear feminist Bullsheet editor,
it is unfortunate for your cause that your articles are boring and, in effect, simply
reiterate Mr. Hitchens's points about the lack of humor in women.
Dear JT,
as the design editor I expect you to design the Bullsheet, not massacre it with a
behemoth article of unsubstantiated complaints about not being allowed to break the law.
And finally,
Dear Linus Williams,
your idea about letting students anonymously submit complaints about professors online
during the course of the semester is horrible as it will inevitably lead the ignoramus,
i.e. most students, to assume that their input would be at all helpful.
Nostalgic for a time when the Bullsheet was well-edited and interesting,
Christoffer Strömstedt.
it is unfortunate for your cause that your articles are boring and, in effect, simply
reiterate Mr. Hitchens's points about the lack of humor in women.
Dear JT,
as the design editor I expect you to design the Bullsheet, not massacre it with a
behemoth article of unsubstantiated complaints about not being allowed to break the law.
And finally,
Dear Linus Williams,
your idea about letting students anonymously submit complaints about professors online
during the course of the semester is horrible as it will inevitably lead the ignoramus,
i.e. most students, to assume that their input would be at all helpful.
Nostalgic for a time when the Bullsheet was well-edited and interesting,
Christoffer Strömstedt.
Denison Welcomes Handicapable Student by Kaitlyn Grissom
Denison Welcomes Handicapable Prospective Student
Doane Administration was abuzz Thursday as tour guides vied for the chance to show high school senior Phoebe Myers just how accommodating Denison can be. Myers, whose early battle with cerebral palsy left her confined to a wheelchair, dazzled the Admissions staff with her district swimming records and enthusiasm for fine art and biology.
“I was so excited to show Phoebe the new wing of Cleveland Hall,” said one perky tour guide, who shoved several of his colleagues to the ground in order to get to Phoebe first, “I was sure she’d be really impressed. And she was- once she unstuck her wheelchair from the murky slush after tumbling end-over-end down the South Quad hill. What a trooper!”
Myers expressed her love of ceramics passionately as she wheeled up the sidewalk of the front entrance ramp. “It was… (pant)… a very… (pant)… a very nice… (hacking cough)…facility…I loved the…Oh, shit!” Phoebe then hit a slippery spot in the inch-thick layer of ice covering the 19-grade hill, slipped, and narrowly avoided death under the wheels of a careening semi truck by swerving into a patch of thorn bushes. Heaving herself back into her chair with bloodied arms, Myers could be heard mumbling: “How… (pant) …how in God’s name… (pant) …can they call this place ‘handicap-accessible’?... (cough)…I’m applying to fucking Kansas State.”
After stopping to catch her breath in the exact center of A-quad, on the eight square feet of level ground available on Denison’s campus, the tour guide suggested many more exciting locations.
“How about the Mitchell athletic center? It’s right at the bottom of the...the hill. Okay, maybe not. Ooh! Or we could go to Mulberry Lab, in…never mind.”
“How about the Homestead? That sounds like f-“
“Hey! You know what’s fun? The Fellows computer lab! Let’s go!”
After lunch (during which Myers was treated to Denison’s finest Sodexo catering, brought to her wrapped in a napkin at the bottom of the Curtis steps), Myers wheeled herself to Whistler Medical Center to treat that morning’s wounds. The long, uphill slope back to A-quad was a breeze for the athletic Myers, who only passed out from exhaustion/hypothermia twice during the trip. Arriving at Fellows, the tenacious prospie was duly impressed by the building’s accessibility.
“Wow,” said Myers, “A ramp. Awesome.”
Doane Administration was abuzz Thursday as tour guides vied for the chance to show high school senior Phoebe Myers just how accommodating Denison can be. Myers, whose early battle with cerebral palsy left her confined to a wheelchair, dazzled the Admissions staff with her district swimming records and enthusiasm for fine art and biology.
“I was so excited to show Phoebe the new wing of Cleveland Hall,” said one perky tour guide, who shoved several of his colleagues to the ground in order to get to Phoebe first, “I was sure she’d be really impressed. And she was- once she unstuck her wheelchair from the murky slush after tumbling end-over-end down the South Quad hill. What a trooper!”
Myers expressed her love of ceramics passionately as she wheeled up the sidewalk of the front entrance ramp. “It was… (pant)… a very… (pant)… a very nice… (hacking cough)…facility…I loved the…Oh, shit!” Phoebe then hit a slippery spot in the inch-thick layer of ice covering the 19-grade hill, slipped, and narrowly avoided death under the wheels of a careening semi truck by swerving into a patch of thorn bushes. Heaving herself back into her chair with bloodied arms, Myers could be heard mumbling: “How… (pant) …how in God’s name… (pant) …can they call this place ‘handicap-accessible’?... (cough)…I’m applying to fucking Kansas State.”
After stopping to catch her breath in the exact center of A-quad, on the eight square feet of level ground available on Denison’s campus, the tour guide suggested many more exciting locations.
“How about the Mitchell athletic center? It’s right at the bottom of the...the hill. Okay, maybe not. Ooh! Or we could go to Mulberry Lab, in…never mind.”
“How about the Homestead? That sounds like f-“
“Hey! You know what’s fun? The Fellows computer lab! Let’s go!”
After lunch (during which Myers was treated to Denison’s finest Sodexo catering, brought to her wrapped in a napkin at the bottom of the Curtis steps), Myers wheeled herself to Whistler Medical Center to treat that morning’s wounds. The long, uphill slope back to A-quad was a breeze for the athletic Myers, who only passed out from exhaustion/hypothermia twice during the trip. Arriving at Fellows, the tenacious prospie was duly impressed by the building’s accessibility.
“Wow,” said Myers, “A ramp. Awesome.”
Low-Emission Parking Spots by Slayter Box 8662
Last week I noticed a small change on campus. I was hoping that it was a joke or some sort of experiment, but as it has not changed, I can only assume it is real. I noticed next to a single handicapped space in the lot behind Ace Morgan Theatre, three “reduced emission vehicles only” spaces.I find this a slightly disturbing and rather heavy-handed gesture. To offer special accommodations for low-emissions vehicles is inherently unfair and discriminatory. I’m not sure what they are designed to accomplish. Is it expected that people will buy more low-emission vehicles for the parking space? Do they expect that people will not be motivated by tax incentives, government programs, environmental propaganda, or the promise of improving global climate, but will somehow be swayed by the offer of a spot nearer to the door of a college theatre? I sincerely doubt this bold move will ignite a new social trend of environmental responsibility.. What is more disturbing however, is the subtext of economic discrimination and social elitism. I would love to own a low-emissions vehicle, the reason I don’t is that I cannot afford one. We are giving special privileges to people because of how they decide to spend their wealth. There is no physical difference between myself and someone that has a low-emissions car, they are not any more or less mobile than I simply because they own a low-emissions car, the only difference is they have the money to afford this car. We are rewarding rich people for spending money on things we judge to be good. Why don’t we have parking for people that give money to charity or practice sustainable living? I know, we could make a list of all of our global issues, rank them by importance, and then organize parking accordingly. We could cover global warming, poverty, donations to cure disease, donations for education and social programs, and at the very back we’ll put the people that are either greedy, or not rich enough to afford all these lofty donations. I’m not sure where people with canes, crutches, or wheelchairs would fall in this, but we can squeeze them in somewhere. After all, the most important thing is to display our political and social awareness. That’s the real problem here. These signs aren’t about social change, these signs aren’t about trying to actually help anyone, they are simply a small, petty symbol of how progressive and socially aware we are. They are a useless trumpeting of our liberal and well-rounded global education. There is nothing wrong about promoting that which one feels strongly about, there is nothing wrong with fighting for global issues or trying to promote change, but there is something wrong when a gesture is made simply for effect, when it has no little to no chance of helping anyone or promoting any change, and when it is enacted out of pride at the expense of others.Oh, and parked in the spot…an SUV.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The True Cost of Your Meal Plan, by Stas Nogay and Adam Lewis
The True Cost of Your Meal Plan
Hello Denison,
Have you ever wondered what the meal plans cost per meal? We have, and after some research, and a bit of math, we have come up with a nearly complete breakdown of the real costs associated with eating in the dining halls. We wish someone had provided us with a nice breakdown of the price of the mandatory Denison meal plans, so as a service to every Denison student during our senior year, here is a fairly in-depth analysis of each of the meal plans. We realize you may not care much for the calculations or methodology, so we attempted to put in bold all of the important parts.
Before we get into our analysis, note that we tried our best to assume the most conservative, best-case scenario for all the prices involved. That is, we assume that for your meal plan, you eat the costliest meals, and use all of your meals up, and stay until the final day of the semester. Thus, your actual meal plan value may well be less than our calculations, and you will probably lose more money from not using up all of your meals. Also, keep in mind that flex dollars only work at Denison, and the prices in Slayter and elsewhere tend to be higher than off the hill. Therefore, flex dollars’ actual value is lower. You could buy a great deal more with $100 at K-Mart than you could with $100 flex in Slayter.
These calculations are for one semester (the duration of each meal plan), and do exclude the few special meals the dining halls serve each semester, which only amount to an additional dollar or so over normal meals served during the same time. All of the information regarding prices and services was acquired from either the dining services web page, or the food services office in Curtis West. The meal plans were extrapolated over 15 weeks of 7 days/week plus one day, which is the total duration of this semester during which meals are served in the dining halls down to the day. Flex dollars were subtracted from the total cost of each plan so that we can accurately present you with the average cost per meal for each plan.
First, here is the cost of each meal if you go into a dining hall and pay with Denison Dollars, which is actually the cheapest method of payment, cheaper than using cash, and the amount which we will use as the base "value" of each meal:
Meal 2009/2010 Denison Dollars Price
Continental Breakfast $3.02
Breakfast $3.95
Lunch/Brunch $6.03
Dinner $7.24
Steak/Special Dinner $8.72
Now that you have that info at hand, here is a breakdown of the relative cost of each meal plan:
Plan A: Unlimited.
Assuming that you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the week, your value is:
5 breakfasts @ $3.95 + 5 lunches @ $6.03 + 7 dinners @ $7.24 + 2 brunches @ $6.03 = $112.64
$112.64 x 15 weeks + $3.02 for last meal of year = $1692.62 for 286 meals, an average value of $5.91 per meal. Plan A, however, costs $2060.00, with no flex dollars. You are charged an average of $7.20 per meal.
Plan B: 14 meals/week + $135 flex.
Assuming that you eat lunch and dinner every day of the week, your value is:
5 lunches @ $6.03 + 7 dinners @ $7.24 + 2 brunches @ $6.03 = $92.84
$92.84 x 15 weeks + $3.02 for last meal of year = $1362.60 for 210 meals, an average value of $6.63 per meal. Plan B costs $1945.00, with $135.00 flex dollars. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.61 per meal.
Plan C: 10 meals/week + $250 flex.
Assuming that you eat lunch and dinner every weekday, your value is:
5 lunches @ $6.03 + 5 dinners @ $7.24 = $66.35
$66.35 x 15 weeks + $3.02 for last meal of year = $995.25 for 150 meals, an average value of $6.64 per meal. Plan C costs $1825.00, with $250.00 flex dollars. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $10.50 per meal.
That sums up all of the mandatory meal plans for freshmen through juniors. We also did the work for the senior apartment meal plans, and here is how those numbers pan out:
Apartment Plan 1: 100 block meals + $350 flex.
Assuming 100 dinners @ $7.24 = $724.00 for the semester, an average value of $7.24 per meal.
Apartment Plan 1 costs $1185.00, with $350 flex. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.35 per meal.
Apartment Plan 2: 70 block meals + $400 flex.
Assuming 70 dinners @ $7.24 = $506.80 for the semester, an average of $7.24 per meal.
Apartment Plan 2 costs $1025.00, with $400. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.93 per meal.
Apartment Plan 3: 5 meals/week + $50 flex.
Assuming 5 dinners/week @ $7.24 x 15 weeks = $543.00 for the semester, an average of $7.24 per meal.
Apartment Plan 3 costs $700.00, with $50 flex. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.67 per meal.
For seniors on these plans, it is cheaper to pay with Denison Dollars, or even cash, than to be on the meal plan.
Additionally, anyone on any plan may purchase extra meals on blocks of 25 for $53.75, or $2.15 a meal. These meals are only used after you expend your weekly allowance, but carry over from fall to spring semester. All of this data is accurate to the best of our knowledge and ability, and has led us to recommend the following:
To anyone on plans A through C:
1. You are getting shafted pretty hard and losing a few hundred bucks of value to the meal plan, without much choice about it.
2. Consider switching to plan C, and buying block meals, or using Denison Dollars for the few extra meals you need. This will give you more value for you money.
3. It would be cheaper for your parents to stop in every day and eat here than for you to.
4. Stay and eat all of your meals if at all possible, and if it doesn’t drive you nuts. When you go out to eat, not only are you paying extra to eat out, you are forfeiting the $5-10 invested in your meal via the meal plan.
5. Flex dollars have half the purchasing power of an actual dollar at Wal-Mart.
To any senior:
1. GET OFF THE MEAL PLAN! YOU ARE WASTING MONEY.
2. Read #1 above.
3. Seriously, transfer your meal plan money to Denison Dollars, and pay with that at each meal. You’ll probably save over $100, and Denison Dollars don’t disappear at the end of the semester.
You have until Sept. 11 to change your meal plan. The short trip to Doane can save you a lot of money.
We hope you find this information helpful,
Stas Nogay and Adam Lewis, Class of 2010, Slayter Box #8282, and #8616, respectively.
Hello Denison,
Have you ever wondered what the meal plans cost per meal? We have, and after some research, and a bit of math, we have come up with a nearly complete breakdown of the real costs associated with eating in the dining halls. We wish someone had provided us with a nice breakdown of the price of the mandatory Denison meal plans, so as a service to every Denison student during our senior year, here is a fairly in-depth analysis of each of the meal plans. We realize you may not care much for the calculations or methodology, so we attempted to put in bold all of the important parts.
Before we get into our analysis, note that we tried our best to assume the most conservative, best-case scenario for all the prices involved. That is, we assume that for your meal plan, you eat the costliest meals, and use all of your meals up, and stay until the final day of the semester. Thus, your actual meal plan value may well be less than our calculations, and you will probably lose more money from not using up all of your meals. Also, keep in mind that flex dollars only work at Denison, and the prices in Slayter and elsewhere tend to be higher than off the hill. Therefore, flex dollars’ actual value is lower. You could buy a great deal more with $100 at K-Mart than you could with $100 flex in Slayter.
These calculations are for one semester (the duration of each meal plan), and do exclude the few special meals the dining halls serve each semester, which only amount to an additional dollar or so over normal meals served during the same time. All of the information regarding prices and services was acquired from either the dining services web page, or the food services office in Curtis West. The meal plans were extrapolated over 15 weeks of 7 days/week plus one day, which is the total duration of this semester during which meals are served in the dining halls down to the day. Flex dollars were subtracted from the total cost of each plan so that we can accurately present you with the average cost per meal for each plan.
First, here is the cost of each meal if you go into a dining hall and pay with Denison Dollars, which is actually the cheapest method of payment, cheaper than using cash, and the amount which we will use as the base "value" of each meal:
Meal 2009/2010 Denison Dollars Price
Continental Breakfast $3.02
Breakfast $3.95
Lunch/Brunch $6.03
Dinner $7.24
Steak/Special Dinner $8.72
Now that you have that info at hand, here is a breakdown of the relative cost of each meal plan:
Plan A: Unlimited.
Assuming that you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day of the week, your value is:
5 breakfasts @ $3.95 + 5 lunches @ $6.03 + 7 dinners @ $7.24 + 2 brunches @ $6.03 = $112.64
$112.64 x 15 weeks + $3.02 for last meal of year = $1692.62 for 286 meals, an average value of $5.91 per meal. Plan A, however, costs $2060.00, with no flex dollars. You are charged an average of $7.20 per meal.
Plan B: 14 meals/week + $135 flex.
Assuming that you eat lunch and dinner every day of the week, your value is:
5 lunches @ $6.03 + 7 dinners @ $7.24 + 2 brunches @ $6.03 = $92.84
$92.84 x 15 weeks + $3.02 for last meal of year = $1362.60 for 210 meals, an average value of $6.63 per meal. Plan B costs $1945.00, with $135.00 flex dollars. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.61 per meal.
Plan C: 10 meals/week + $250 flex.
Assuming that you eat lunch and dinner every weekday, your value is:
5 lunches @ $6.03 + 5 dinners @ $7.24 = $66.35
$66.35 x 15 weeks + $3.02 for last meal of year = $995.25 for 150 meals, an average value of $6.64 per meal. Plan C costs $1825.00, with $250.00 flex dollars. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $10.50 per meal.
That sums up all of the mandatory meal plans for freshmen through juniors. We also did the work for the senior apartment meal plans, and here is how those numbers pan out:
Apartment Plan 1: 100 block meals + $350 flex.
Assuming 100 dinners @ $7.24 = $724.00 for the semester, an average value of $7.24 per meal.
Apartment Plan 1 costs $1185.00, with $350 flex. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.35 per meal.
Apartment Plan 2: 70 block meals + $400 flex.
Assuming 70 dinners @ $7.24 = $506.80 for the semester, an average of $7.24 per meal.
Apartment Plan 2 costs $1025.00, with $400. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.93 per meal.
Apartment Plan 3: 5 meals/week + $50 flex.
Assuming 5 dinners/week @ $7.24 x 15 weeks = $543.00 for the semester, an average of $7.24 per meal.
Apartment Plan 3 costs $700.00, with $50 flex. After deducting for flex dollars, you are charged an average of $8.67 per meal.
For seniors on these plans, it is cheaper to pay with Denison Dollars, or even cash, than to be on the meal plan.
Additionally, anyone on any plan may purchase extra meals on blocks of 25 for $53.75, or $2.15 a meal. These meals are only used after you expend your weekly allowance, but carry over from fall to spring semester. All of this data is accurate to the best of our knowledge and ability, and has led us to recommend the following:
To anyone on plans A through C:
1. You are getting shafted pretty hard and losing a few hundred bucks of value to the meal plan, without much choice about it.
2. Consider switching to plan C, and buying block meals, or using Denison Dollars for the few extra meals you need. This will give you more value for you money.
3. It would be cheaper for your parents to stop in every day and eat here than for you to.
4. Stay and eat all of your meals if at all possible, and if it doesn’t drive you nuts. When you go out to eat, not only are you paying extra to eat out, you are forfeiting the $5-10 invested in your meal via the meal plan.
5. Flex dollars have half the purchasing power of an actual dollar at Wal-Mart.
To any senior:
1. GET OFF THE MEAL PLAN! YOU ARE WASTING MONEY.
2. Read #1 above.
3. Seriously, transfer your meal plan money to Denison Dollars, and pay with that at each meal. You’ll probably save over $100, and Denison Dollars don’t disappear at the end of the semester.
You have until Sept. 11 to change your meal plan. The short trip to Doane can save you a lot of money.
We hope you find this information helpful,
Stas Nogay and Adam Lewis, Class of 2010, Slayter Box #8282, and #8616, respectively.
Dear Bullsheet, by Sam Forti and Kaitlyn Grissom
Dear Bullsheet,
It has come to my attention that people at Denison enjoy social events called "grind-fests". I, too, would like to get my groove on. What is the best way to make a good impression at this weekend’s celebration?
-Sheepish in Shorney
Dear sheepish,
Honey, all you need to do to make a good impression is show up in a Forever 21 dress and leggins, drink whatever is handed to you in an unlabeled container, and do whatever you can to make your parents ashamed of you. Just remember: freshmen girls aren’t so much people as party hors d’oevres. You just keep them laying around for the guests to pick at. Have fun!
-The ‘Sheet
It has come to my attention that people at Denison enjoy social events called "grind-fests". I, too, would like to get my groove on. What is the best way to make a good impression at this weekend’s celebration?
-Sheepish in Shorney
Dear sheepish,
Honey, all you need to do to make a good impression is show up in a Forever 21 dress and leggins, drink whatever is handed to you in an unlabeled container, and do whatever you can to make your parents ashamed of you. Just remember: freshmen girls aren’t so much people as party hors d’oevres. You just keep them laying around for the guests to pick at. Have fun!
-The ‘Sheet
From the Annals of French History, by Matt Miller
From the Annals of French History:
France, 1400. Greyhound Challenges Man over Murder, Wins Duel
This story begins, as any good story does, with a boy and his dog. Well, a man and his dog. And sentence one is obviously ignoring the film "A Boy and His Dog," for not fitting the criteria of "a good story."
Specifically, it was the greyhound of M. de Montdidier. After his master was murdered (with his dog the only witness), the greyhound repeatedly attacked the Chevalier Maquer. The French king, no doubt troubled (as these monarchs so often were) by a nasty bout of syphilis, decided this constituted an accusation and arranged for a trial by combat. His Majesty disregarded the equally plausible solutions that the greyhound took offense at Maquer’s doublet or that the man regularly bathed in duck grease. Maquer chose a lance. The greyhound, having given careful consideration to his lack of opposable thumbs, opted for teeth.
When the fight commenced, the dog jumped Maquer and latched onto his throat. Maquer (presumably through complicated hand signals, as spoken language had yet to be introduced to France) indicated that he would confess if they pulled off the dog. The court concluded that this proved guilt, strangled Maquer, and (we assume) awarded the dog the man’s horse and arms as compensation.
France, 1400. Greyhound Challenges Man over Murder, Wins Duel
This story begins, as any good story does, with a boy and his dog. Well, a man and his dog. And sentence one is obviously ignoring the film "A Boy and His Dog," for not fitting the criteria of "a good story."
Specifically, it was the greyhound of M. de Montdidier. After his master was murdered (with his dog the only witness), the greyhound repeatedly attacked the Chevalier Maquer. The French king, no doubt troubled (as these monarchs so often were) by a nasty bout of syphilis, decided this constituted an accusation and arranged for a trial by combat. His Majesty disregarded the equally plausible solutions that the greyhound took offense at Maquer’s doublet or that the man regularly bathed in duck grease. Maquer chose a lance. The greyhound, having given careful consideration to his lack of opposable thumbs, opted for teeth.
When the fight commenced, the dog jumped Maquer and latched onto his throat. Maquer (presumably through complicated hand signals, as spoken language had yet to be introduced to France) indicated that he would confess if they pulled off the dog. The court concluded that this proved guilt, strangled Maquer, and (we assume) awarded the dog the man’s horse and arms as compensation.
Overheard At Denison
Overheard at Denison
1: "I didn’t think I had blacked out this weekend, but then I saw facebook and I was like, ‘fuuuuuuuck’!
friday night in slayter bathroom, 1230am:
1: " well...if he buys me a plane ticket that gets him at least a blow job."
2: " yeah. at LEAST a blow job if he buys you a ticket."
1: What religion celebrates Passover?
2: Judaism
1: Who are the Judists?
1: So, seriously, what is a foreskin?
2: Well, it’s like...it goes over, you know, a guy’s head. It’s like skin.
1: What?! His head?!
2: Yeah, but it’s removed at birth most times, so it’s cool.
1: Yeah, I always take the stairs instead of the elevator. It’s, like, so much better for you.
2: That’s probably a good idea. I should start doing that. You just never know with this economy. Elevators run on gas, right? And with this economy...
1: I don’t think so. I think elevators run on a pulley system. You know, like electricity.
2: Oh, right. That makes sense. So it must be coal that runs them.
1: I don’t know. This discussion is too philosophical for me.
Way to stay classy Denison. Nice work.
Box: 7241
1: "I didn’t think I had blacked out this weekend, but then I saw facebook and I was like, ‘fuuuuuuuck’!
friday night in slayter bathroom, 1230am:
1: " well...if he buys me a plane ticket that gets him at least a blow job."
2: " yeah. at LEAST a blow job if he buys you a ticket."
1: What religion celebrates Passover?
2: Judaism
1: Who are the Judists?
1: So, seriously, what is a foreskin?
2: Well, it’s like...it goes over, you know, a guy’s head. It’s like skin.
1: What?! His head?!
2: Yeah, but it’s removed at birth most times, so it’s cool.
1: Yeah, I always take the stairs instead of the elevator. It’s, like, so much better for you.
2: That’s probably a good idea. I should start doing that. You just never know with this economy. Elevators run on gas, right? And with this economy...
1: I don’t think so. I think elevators run on a pulley system. You know, like electricity.
2: Oh, right. That makes sense. So it must be coal that runs them.
1: I don’t know. This discussion is too philosophical for me.
Way to stay classy Denison. Nice work.
Box: 7241
Dear Bullsheet, by Alex Chan
Dear Bullsheet,
I’m not sure who I can turn to. I think one of my friends has violated the Denison Academic Integrity Code. What should I do? He’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine turning him in. The little cards in the dining halls make this out to be a very serious issue. I just don’t know what to do, Bull! Either I lose a friend, or I doom him to get an F in a course! I’m losing sleep over this, as well as hair and teeth. Please help me!
Sincerely,
Sleepless in Granville
Moo Moo,
Moo.
Moo,
Moo.
--Alex Chan, Junior Editor
I’m not sure who I can turn to. I think one of my friends has violated the Denison Academic Integrity Code. What should I do? He’s my best friend, and I can’t imagine turning him in. The little cards in the dining halls make this out to be a very serious issue. I just don’t know what to do, Bull! Either I lose a friend, or I doom him to get an F in a course! I’m losing sleep over this, as well as hair and teeth. Please help me!
Sincerely,
Sleepless in Granville
Moo Moo,
Moo.
Moo,
Moo.
--Alex Chan, Junior Editor
Girl Unable to Escape Quaint Appeal of Tri-Corner Hats, by Miden Wood
GIRL UNABLE TO ESCAPE QUAINT APPEAL OF TRI-CORNER HATS
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—It was a hot, humid summer morning in Granville—Or at least that was what Miden Wood, college sophomore, thought as she stepped out of her car onto a college campus the morning of August 21, 2009. It had been a shorter car ride than usual—somehow her parents had managed to shave 5 hours off the trip—and she reported feeling remarkably more at sea level than she ever had at Denison before. This is because, on August 21, 2009, Miden Wood was taken.
Like that movie with Liam Neeson. Only way less badass and self-gratifying.
It was at this point discovered that the pair Wood had assumed were her parents were in fact a pair of colonial impersonators who make a living dressing in colonial garb to fool tourists into believing they had time-traveled, an industry better known amongst law enforcement officials as "Time Trafficking".
The identity of one of the abductors has recently been revealed to be William "William" Hartwig, the local blacksmith. This was concluded after farmers along I-395 S complained to authorities of the culprit’s gang-name, "Bothersome Will," having been branded into their livestock. Though the other kidnapper is as of yet unidentified, the prime suspect is Ezekiel the Wee Chimneysweep, due to an unusual amount of soot in the passenger seat.
The Guy who Yells Hearye on the Corner, who witnessed the entire event, reported "The wench said something regarding the remarkably increas’d number of trees since her education prior, and then suddenly was thrown into a Feaverish woman-Delirium and gave such a scream as to wake even Baker Obadiah, the old Rogue."
Or at least we’re pretty sure that’s what he said. It was really hard to tell the "f"s and "s"s apart when he spoke.
Wood’s whereabouts are as of yet unknown, although authorities suspect that she is already under the influence of "Quaintness," a 17th century drug most comparable to modern LSD, and has been taken into the Time Trafficking ring as a Wigmaker’s apprentice. Her family and friends are reportedly "pretty bummed out".
—Miden "Colonial Humor!" Wood, Totally Necessary Foreign Correspondent to Williamsburg
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—It was a hot, humid summer morning in Granville—Or at least that was what Miden Wood, college sophomore, thought as she stepped out of her car onto a college campus the morning of August 21, 2009. It had been a shorter car ride than usual—somehow her parents had managed to shave 5 hours off the trip—and she reported feeling remarkably more at sea level than she ever had at Denison before. This is because, on August 21, 2009, Miden Wood was taken.
Like that movie with Liam Neeson. Only way less badass and self-gratifying.
It was at this point discovered that the pair Wood had assumed were her parents were in fact a pair of colonial impersonators who make a living dressing in colonial garb to fool tourists into believing they had time-traveled, an industry better known amongst law enforcement officials as "Time Trafficking".
The identity of one of the abductors has recently been revealed to be William "William" Hartwig, the local blacksmith. This was concluded after farmers along I-395 S complained to authorities of the culprit’s gang-name, "Bothersome Will," having been branded into their livestock. Though the other kidnapper is as of yet unidentified, the prime suspect is Ezekiel the Wee Chimneysweep, due to an unusual amount of soot in the passenger seat.
The Guy who Yells Hearye on the Corner, who witnessed the entire event, reported "The wench said something regarding the remarkably increas’d number of trees since her education prior, and then suddenly was thrown into a Feaverish woman-Delirium and gave such a scream as to wake even Baker Obadiah, the old Rogue."
Or at least we’re pretty sure that’s what he said. It was really hard to tell the "f"s and "s"s apart when he spoke.
Wood’s whereabouts are as of yet unknown, although authorities suspect that she is already under the influence of "Quaintness," a 17th century drug most comparable to modern LSD, and has been taken into the Time Trafficking ring as a Wigmaker’s apprentice. Her family and friends are reportedly "pretty bummed out".
—Miden "Colonial Humor!" Wood, Totally Necessary Foreign Correspondent to Williamsburg
Parents Accuse Obama of Trying to "Indoctrinate" Children, by Alex Chan
Parents accuse Obama of attempting to "indoctrinate" children
"Only we are allowed to force beliefs onto our children"
Parents across the nation are expressing their concerns about President Obama’s upcoming speech regarding the future of education.. The speech will be streamed live this Tuesday on the White House’s website, and is meant to be shown to students during class. But this plan has come under fire from many parents who accuse the president of attempting to "indoctrinate" their children, arguing that they should be the only ones allowed to brainwash their children.
"I am not raising my son so that he becomes some mindless automaton. I’m raising him to be my mindless automaton," New Jersey mother Rachel Shore told reporters. "From the beginning, I’ve kept him away from any propaganda that would go against his beliefs. Which are my beliefs."
Brian Yen of Michigan wrote in his blog that he doesn’t want his son’s beatings to have been in vain. "I don’t need Obama to tell my son about ‘responsibility and commitment’ to schooling. My belt does enough of that."
Chris Schaefer of Maryland simply told his daughter that he didn’t want the her to watch the speech. "She refuses to go to class on that day because her daddy told her," Shaefer told reporters, wiping a tear from his eye. "She’s such a good girl."
Naturally, pundits have also made lengthy tirades about the implications of President Obama’s speech, warning of children’s transformation into schools’ "little lobbyists."
"Rather than letting us put a spin on the speech, the president is insisting on reaching out to the students directly. This could turn into a very disturbing trend. How are we supposed to brainwash the public if they start getting their news free of any sort of extra partisan slant?"
And, as a rare glimpse into the mind of a Bullsheet editor who clearly tries too hard, here are several article ideas that did not reach fruition:
Michael Jackson’s brother infuriated that media choppers disrupted burial service
Comes crying to the media
Philipino Coast Guard rescues 957 passenvers from sinking boat
Survivors breathlessly exclaim: "We have a coast guard?"
Final Destination still #1 at the box office
Suicide rate spikes
Beatles Rock Band to be released this Tuesday
Because nothing says "rock the fuck out" like The Beatles
T-Pain releases auto-tune iPhone application
Inspires millions of equally talentless teenagers
Scientists successfully tag great white sharks near Cape Cod
Sharks untag themselves and promptly unfriend the scientists
--Alex Chan, Junior editor
"Only we are allowed to force beliefs onto our children"
Parents across the nation are expressing their concerns about President Obama’s upcoming speech regarding the future of education.. The speech will be streamed live this Tuesday on the White House’s website, and is meant to be shown to students during class. But this plan has come under fire from many parents who accuse the president of attempting to "indoctrinate" their children, arguing that they should be the only ones allowed to brainwash their children.
"I am not raising my son so that he becomes some mindless automaton. I’m raising him to be my mindless automaton," New Jersey mother Rachel Shore told reporters. "From the beginning, I’ve kept him away from any propaganda that would go against his beliefs. Which are my beliefs."
Brian Yen of Michigan wrote in his blog that he doesn’t want his son’s beatings to have been in vain. "I don’t need Obama to tell my son about ‘responsibility and commitment’ to schooling. My belt does enough of that."
Chris Schaefer of Maryland simply told his daughter that he didn’t want the her to watch the speech. "She refuses to go to class on that day because her daddy told her," Shaefer told reporters, wiping a tear from his eye. "She’s such a good girl."
Naturally, pundits have also made lengthy tirades about the implications of President Obama’s speech, warning of children’s transformation into schools’ "little lobbyists."
"Rather than letting us put a spin on the speech, the president is insisting on reaching out to the students directly. This could turn into a very disturbing trend. How are we supposed to brainwash the public if they start getting their news free of any sort of extra partisan slant?"
And, as a rare glimpse into the mind of a Bullsheet editor who clearly tries too hard, here are several article ideas that did not reach fruition:
Michael Jackson’s brother infuriated that media choppers disrupted burial service
Comes crying to the media
Philipino Coast Guard rescues 957 passenvers from sinking boat
Survivors breathlessly exclaim: "We have a coast guard?"
Final Destination still #1 at the box office
Suicide rate spikes
Beatles Rock Band to be released this Tuesday
Because nothing says "rock the fuck out" like The Beatles
T-Pain releases auto-tune iPhone application
Inspires millions of equally talentless teenagers
Scientists successfully tag great white sharks near Cape Cod
Sharks untag themselves and promptly unfriend the scientists
--Alex Chan, Junior editor
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