Dan "Dining Hall Dan" Fleckner talked to me about a week ago and said that he'd like to meet and discuss some of the things he'd read in the Bullsheet and on this blog. Now, for your reading pleasure: the highlights of my lunch with Dan.
1. Dan Fleckner quote of the day: "I love it when students complain about food. It means everything else is right with the world."
2. Sodexo is working right now on developing a menu for next semester. A sign has been posted on the comment board in Curtis for a few weeks, and responses have been scarce. So, if there's something specific you'd like to see, fill out those comment cards! Quick! You only have four days!
3. Whenever Curtis puts out organic fruit with no sign labeling it as such, the comment box is flooded with complaints about the quality of the fruit. It's important to note that apples can either be crispy and shiny, or they can be organic, but they can't be both.
4. Warning: Due to nationwide lettuce crop crisis, we're about to see a decline in the quailty of the greens at the salad bar. It's not Sodexo's fault.
5. Sodexo has no rules about what dining halls can serve, except for when they do those "Flash in the Pan" ethnic food exhibitions. So all the food being served right now is the result of managerial efforts to give students what they want. But they can't do that if you don't fill out comment cards, so WRITE WRITE WRITE!
6. FUN FACT: Dan is Jewish, and used to work for a minor league baseball team. Who knew.
7. Many of the issues brought up in the comment cards can be solved with a little culinary creativity. For example: if you're upset by the lack of chocolate soy milk, make your own with regular soy milk and chocolate sauce from the ice cream bar. Or if there's no cheese at the salad bar, ask for a slice from the deli and put that on your salad.
8. PERSONAL NOTE: One of my favorite creative dining hall concoctions is the Pita Pizza. Take a piece of pita bread from the toaster area, spread hummus on it, at top it off with whatever looks good on the stir-fry and salad bars.
9. The University, not Sodexo, is responsible for the decision to require students to be on meal plans. Some people to talk to about this: Becky Macheda and Seth Patton.
10. Many students request healthier food via the comment box. Apparently, when Dan asks for specific menu items, he frequently met with responses like "buffalo wings" and "fried chicken fingers." Hmm.
11. Dan readily concedes that the typical student meal (he indicates my plate of ravioli and salad) is not worth $7.50. But Sodexo only gets about half of that money. The rest goes to the University to cover dining hall overhead expenses like gas, utilities, equipment, and backup generators.
12. Serving Cheeseburger Pizza and Pizza Burgers on the same day has been recognized as an inexcusable crime against the culinary world, and will be henceforth forbidden.
13. At the Sodexo focus group meeting, I harped a lot on the theme of groceries. Dan said that he was concerned about these items not being popular enough to justify keeping them in stock, especially since vegetables and baking needs are so perishable. BUT - and here's where I get excited - If you contact Dan, he will work out a deal where you can swipe your meal card in exchange for bulk food and baking ingredients from the dining hall stockroom!
14. About the whole religious food thing: A lot of the food served at the Hannukah dinner was from Dan's family recipes. Both the Hannukah Dinner and the Holiday Meal were meant as horizon-broadening cultural shindigs. The food served at the Holiday Meal was a combination of traditional Christmas, Hannukah, Ramadan, and Kwanza recipes. The idea behind using the word "holiday" instead of "Christmas" was not to be politically correct, but to be accurate. After all, the meal was not actually a Christmas meal, but a hodgepodge of different holiday dishes.
15. If you have ideas about dining hall reform, Dan encourages you to talk to him. Email flecknerd@denison.edu.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sunglass Kidz by Rob and Taylor
While all you bitches were chillin’ out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool during break, Rob and Taylor were attempting to puke in Denny’s cute rain boots), we stumbled upon this security report, detailing one of the newest and most sexual gangs on campus.
ALERT: WARNING!!! A new gang has been reported on campus, a group calling themselves the Sunglass Kidz. They are easily spots in order to intimidate potential students and to recruit them at the same time (if they’re not “pussies”). They are known for crimes such as under-age drinking, smoking cigarettes in bars, and for forging those little ␣ they forge those. That’s ingenious.
what we are most concerned about is the crimes that they force their new recruits to commit (as their gang mot to states “you have to sin to get in”), such as marking new territory, pushing heroin and other recreational drugs on the streets of Granville, and doing drive-bys of rival gangs, such as the equally dangerous Granville Blue Aces. The gang is led by two street toughs, Richard “Dick” Ryder and Thomas “Thom” Thompson. “Dick” is known his short temper, which explodes all over any innocent bystander. “Thom” is known for his shoes. If any of you see this gang, shoot to kill. Aim for the head, so they get shot there.
Well, fuck. It’s up to us to defend these young gentlemen against the equally dangerous security guard
gang.
Love, Rob and Taylor
P.S. Hey Denny, I hope this makes it onto Bob’s locker! And fuck yo boots!
ALERT: WARNING!!! A new gang has been reported on campus, a group calling themselves the Sunglass Kidz. They are easily spots in order to intimidate potential students and to recruit them at the same time (if they’re not “pussies”). They are known for crimes such as under-age drinking, smoking cigarettes in bars, and for forging those little ␣ they forge those. That’s ingenious.
what we are most concerned about is the crimes that they force their new recruits to commit (as their gang mot to states “you have to sin to get in”), such as marking new territory, pushing heroin and other recreational drugs on the streets of Granville, and doing drive-bys of rival gangs, such as the equally dangerous Granville Blue Aces. The gang is led by two street toughs, Richard “Dick” Ryder and Thomas “Thom” Thompson. “Dick” is known his short temper, which explodes all over any innocent bystander. “Thom” is known for his shoes. If any of you see this gang, shoot to kill. Aim for the head, so they get shot there.
Well, fuck. It’s up to us to defend these young gentlemen against the equally dangerous security guard
gang.
Love, Rob and Taylor
P.S. Hey Denny, I hope this makes it onto Bob’s locker! And fuck yo boots!
Bathroom Stall Posters by Slayter Box 9118
When, exactly, was it determined that the best forum to communicate rape statistics is in each and every stall in each and every women’s bathroom in each and every academic building on campus? When, exactly, was it decided that girls should not be able to pop a squat without a bulleted list of how many women are raped in the Congo each year? I can understand statistics about sexual health, and I’ll even go as far as to say that posting contacts for the SHARE program is appropriate, but I’m not sure why this is a valid outlet (outhouse?) ␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣ ␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣ ␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣␣ targeted at the campus’s ladies.
So here’s what we get every time we pee... 1) practice safe sex, because STD’s are bad, 2) if the worst hap- pens, here’s who to call for help, and 3) even if the worst happens, be thankful that you weren’t sold into a prostitution ring in another country by your older sister and raped 7-10 times daily until you contracted HIV/ AIDS and died waiting to be deported.
Call me insensitive, but I feel that caring about these women and what they’ve gone through does not mean pasting their stories all over bathroom stalls. So I’m asking the heads of this organization –if you intend on turning every women’s stall on this campus into your forum, please consider what this campaign is actually meant to accomplish, and if the current course of action is effective. If you’re trying to spread information, then why is it only getting to the women?
Since the only other information on these sheets is the e-mail address for the organization, it seems to me that the purpose is to boost enrolment in the group, and I’m calling those responsible out for being massively insensitive. There are several organizations on this campus that are related to human interest –habitat for humanity, students for choice, or the roosevelt institute just to name a few. I suggest that DIRE consider more appropriate methods of communication.
~~~ Slayter Box = 9118
So here’s what we get every time we pee... 1) practice safe sex, because STD’s are bad, 2) if the worst hap- pens, here’s who to call for help, and 3) even if the worst happens, be thankful that you weren’t sold into a prostitution ring in another country by your older sister and raped 7-10 times daily until you contracted HIV/ AIDS and died waiting to be deported.
Call me insensitive, but I feel that caring about these women and what they’ve gone through does not mean pasting their stories all over bathroom stalls. So I’m asking the heads of this organization –if you intend on turning every women’s stall on this campus into your forum, please consider what this campaign is actually meant to accomplish, and if the current course of action is effective. If you’re trying to spread information, then why is it only getting to the women?
Since the only other information on these sheets is the e-mail address for the organization, it seems to me that the purpose is to boost enrolment in the group, and I’m calling those responsible out for being massively insensitive. There are several organizations on this campus that are related to human interest –habitat for humanity, students for choice, or the roosevelt institute just to name a few. I suggest that DIRE consider more appropriate methods of communication.
~~~ Slayter Box = 9118
Overheard at Denison
Overheard at Denison:
“Heh heh! You’re a faggot!”
-An audience member during the DFS screening of Inglorious Basterds. Yelled at the head Nazi character when he does that high-pitched giggle bit. Any history buffs want to raise your hand and tell me why this is depressing?
“Heh heh! You’re a faggot!”
-An audience member during the DFS screening of Inglorious Basterds. Yelled at the head Nazi character when he does that high-pitched giggle bit. Any history buffs want to raise your hand and tell me why this is depressing?
Lady Gaga Harmful to Young Girls’ Self-Esteem
by Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor
Amy Long, mother of sixth-grade Julie, is worried that her daughter may have an unhealthy self-image due to her new obsession with Lady Gaga. Says Long, “Julie used to be like any other girl her age: shopping, hanging out with her friends, and crying because she thinks she’s fat. But now something’s...different. She just walks around in her latex leotard and tries to light things on fire with her mind.”
Like thousands of girls across the country, Julie thinks that she must be just like her idol in order to be attractive. “There’s this boy in my class named Carl. He’s sooooooo cute. But he only likes girls with aluminum-plated prosthetic hip sockets. It’s like he doesn’t even know I exist,” says Julie as she stares into the mirror, trying unsuccessfully to get blood to ooze from her eyeballs. “Dammit! I never do anything right!”
The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty has responded to this disturbing trend with new messages of hope and acceptance. Says Dove spokeswoman Andrea Andrews, “We want girls to know that you can be beautiful no matter your weight, body type, number of limbs, extraterrestrial networking options, or diamond-levitating abilities.”
Gaga herself was unavailable for comment, as she had absconded to her arctic lair with a 400-gallon bottle of imported vodka.
by Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor
Amy Long, mother of sixth-grade Julie, is worried that her daughter may have an unhealthy self-image due to her new obsession with Lady Gaga. Says Long, “Julie used to be like any other girl her age: shopping, hanging out with her friends, and crying because she thinks she’s fat. But now something’s...different. She just walks around in her latex leotard and tries to light things on fire with her mind.”
Like thousands of girls across the country, Julie thinks that she must be just like her idol in order to be attractive. “There’s this boy in my class named Carl. He’s sooooooo cute. But he only likes girls with aluminum-plated prosthetic hip sockets. It’s like he doesn’t even know I exist,” says Julie as she stares into the mirror, trying unsuccessfully to get blood to ooze from her eyeballs. “Dammit! I never do anything right!”
The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty has responded to this disturbing trend with new messages of hope and acceptance. Says Dove spokeswoman Andrea Andrews, “We want girls to know that you can be beautiful no matter your weight, body type, number of limbs, extraterrestrial networking options, or diamond-levitating abilities.”
Gaga herself was unavailable for comment, as she had absconded to her arctic lair with a 400-gallon bottle of imported vodka.
Signing Off by Sam Forti
Signing off~ This will be my final bullsheet for the time being as I will be far away from here next
semester. You’re all so goddamn beautiful it makes me want to cry. Try not to miss me to much. I know
Denison will have a gaping hole in its heart without my presence here but it will be okay, really, it will. Don’t
worry, Jason Cox will be taking my place as resident Sam Forti on Denison’s campus. If you need me for
anything, please, refer yourself to him during the spring semester.
~Sam Forti
semester. You’re all so goddamn beautiful it makes me want to cry. Try not to miss me to much. I know
Denison will have a gaping hole in its heart without my presence here but it will be okay, really, it will. Don’t
worry, Jason Cox will be taking my place as resident Sam Forti on Denison’s campus. If you need me for
anything, please, refer yourself to him during the spring semester.
~Sam Forti
Getting You Through Exam Week by Sam Forti
First a fantastic quote by some girl on east quad: “I wouldn’t be caught dead playing water polo topless with
him!”
Now a quip about your mother’s weight- Your mother is so fat that when she went into the kitchen there was
a meatloaf on the counter but when she left there wasn’t a meatloaf on the counter anymore because she ate
because your mom is fat.
So, its the end of the school, and as such, some of you may feel like you are about to die. The
work load is piling on, crushing you and crushing you like one of those torture devices where they put rocks
on a board on your chest till you say, “Fuck!” and confess to being a witch or a heathen or something of the
sort.
It sucks, yes it does, the stress is overwhelming, you are doubting your academic abilities, and you find
yourself blinding pushing forward into a murky gloom of flashcards, lab reports, research papers, and
unintentional naps in strange places around A-quad.
Well don’t worry so much! I am here to help, and when have I ever let you down before Denison? Here
is a little destressing activity that you and your friends can try on each other. This is what you will need:
1. Yourself
2. A friend
3. This bullsheet.
Find a partner and go somewhere where you can be in peace, away from the hustle and bustle of
everyday campus life. Then, lie or sit in a comfortable position. If you wish, bring some delicious tea and or
scented candles! Then close your eyes and take three deep breaths as your friend reads the script below.
Picture yourself free from final exams. With everybreath let the weight of your gpa drop away. Let it
go, just relaxxx. Now, you are floating. Floating on a beautiful cloud. It is fluffy and oh so soft, like a bed
made of chinchillas. On the cloud and around you are beautiful golden birds that sing in heavenly voices.
Take a deep breath, they will sing whatever you want. The Rite of Spring? no problem. Party in the USA?
no problem. Lollipop by lil’ Wayne? They love that number! They will sing whatever you want. Picture them
singing you your favorite song. There is a tray of gourmet cheese, there are doughnuts a plenty, you can have
whatever you’d like on this little sky island of peace. You are filled with happy thoughts, you are at peace with
the world, you are at peace with your final exams. Everything will be alright, open your eyes and be free.
In case that didn’t work out for you you can always resort to the usual survival tactics for this time of year.
Snorting adderall off the library toilets
Injecting redbull directly into your eyeball for an instant caffine rush
Saying fuck it, drowning your sorrows in booze and hoping for the best
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Snorting adderall off of your desk
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Snorting adderall off of your lab report
Adderall
Adderall
Adderall
Adderall
Good luck Denison. Try not to kill yourself before the holidays begin.
~~40~~
him!”
Now a quip about your mother’s weight- Your mother is so fat that when she went into the kitchen there was
a meatloaf on the counter but when she left there wasn’t a meatloaf on the counter anymore because she ate
because your mom is fat.
So, its the end of the school, and as such, some of you may feel like you are about to die. The
work load is piling on, crushing you and crushing you like one of those torture devices where they put rocks
on a board on your chest till you say, “Fuck!” and confess to being a witch or a heathen or something of the
sort.
It sucks, yes it does, the stress is overwhelming, you are doubting your academic abilities, and you find
yourself blinding pushing forward into a murky gloom of flashcards, lab reports, research papers, and
unintentional naps in strange places around A-quad.
Well don’t worry so much! I am here to help, and when have I ever let you down before Denison? Here
is a little destressing activity that you and your friends can try on each other. This is what you will need:
1. Yourself
2. A friend
3. This bullsheet.
Find a partner and go somewhere where you can be in peace, away from the hustle and bustle of
everyday campus life. Then, lie or sit in a comfortable position. If you wish, bring some delicious tea and or
scented candles! Then close your eyes and take three deep breaths as your friend reads the script below.
Picture yourself free from final exams. With everybreath let the weight of your gpa drop away. Let it
go, just relaxxx. Now, you are floating. Floating on a beautiful cloud. It is fluffy and oh so soft, like a bed
made of chinchillas. On the cloud and around you are beautiful golden birds that sing in heavenly voices.
Take a deep breath, they will sing whatever you want. The Rite of Spring? no problem. Party in the USA?
no problem. Lollipop by lil’ Wayne? They love that number! They will sing whatever you want. Picture them
singing you your favorite song. There is a tray of gourmet cheese, there are doughnuts a plenty, you can have
whatever you’d like on this little sky island of peace. You are filled with happy thoughts, you are at peace with
the world, you are at peace with your final exams. Everything will be alright, open your eyes and be free.
In case that didn’t work out for you you can always resort to the usual survival tactics for this time of year.
Snorting adderall off the library toilets
Injecting redbull directly into your eyeball for an instant caffine rush
Saying fuck it, drowning your sorrows in booze and hoping for the best
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Snorting adderall off of your desk
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Snorting adderall off of your lab report
Adderall
Adderall
Adderall
Adderall
Good luck Denison. Try not to kill yourself before the holidays begin.
~~40~~
Joke-by-Joke Breakdown of the Denisonian Sex Column by Alex Chan
Happy Friday!
I hope all of you read this week’s Denisonian. Aside from the bits of real news that was published in there, this week’s issue marks the return of the infamous Denisonian sex column! Well, maybe. I haven’t really read the paper in a while, so it might’ve been there all year. But what I know for sure is that this week’s column has me beat. I can’t think of anything funnier than what this “anonymous columnist” has written regarding Denison and lust. This guy/gal knows how to make me laugh!
So what I’ve decided to do is dissect this column joke by joke, in order to figure out what makes it tick. I say joke by joke because I assume that their column was not intended to be taken seriously.
To begin, we have the attention grabbing title on the front page: “This’ll hit the spot.” Get it? This will satisfy your craving for knowledge as well as make a beeline for what is known as the G-spot. Christ, that’s good. It implies that the phallic column of text on page 8 will stimulate you, whether you like it or not.
The first paragraph is about how hair will inevitably get caught in bunk beds, and how you should tell your roommate to get the fuck out before you partake in your “little late night rendezvous.” To all those at the Denisonian: Judging by that phrase, I believe you have a master of rhetoric among you, and their name is “anonymous columnist.” The alliteration, in addition to the judicious use of French, makes that sentence absolutely luscious. Also…I salute those brave souls who have sex while their roommate is asleep. You are brave like wolf, and just as ravenous for flesh.
The next paragraph explains how to cheat on your significant other in a clandestine manner. Oh, and how to have quiet sex in a closet so that you don’t seem like a “male Monica Lewinski.” You know, just in case you happen to be fucking the president. Duly noted.
The walk of shame: this author suggests you take the back route past Deeds, where you can avoid tour groups. After all, you don’t want a group of prospective students and their parents seeing you walking around without your dignity!
If you run into a friend of the girl that you’re hooking up with, the author advises that you deflect attention away from the fact that you totally just put your gun in her holster, as all the adolescents boys are saying these days. Try smiling. If the friend gives you a smile back, have sex with it. I kid, I kid! The Denisonian would never encourage that sort of behavior (well, not this week anyway).
Did you know that if you rub your face on someone else’s face, that some of your makeup will often—now brace yourselves, this may have some affect on your worldview—transfer over to them? While on the subject of having makeup smeared all over your face, why not make a quick dig at Stevie Wonder for being blind? I quote: “You should make sure you don’t look like someone handed Stevie Wonder a paintbrush with your face as a canvas.” First of all, Stevie Wonder never claimed to be a great painter. Secondly,
Hooking up with many members of a fraternity will get you a permanent reputation with the fraternity. And you thought that it would get you
The author wraps it all up rather smartly by asking the reader to think twice about their “animalistic instincts.” I appreciate that gesture, since I often find myself chasing after small animals, yelling something that sounds like “WHARRGARBL.” I think I’ll close in a similar fashion: if you lack common sense (or have read Glenn Beck’s book Common Sense), think twice about procreating. I don’t want those genes being passed down.
I hope all of you read this week’s Denisonian. Aside from the bits of real news that was published in there, this week’s issue marks the return of the infamous Denisonian sex column! Well, maybe. I haven’t really read the paper in a while, so it might’ve been there all year. But what I know for sure is that this week’s column has me beat. I can’t think of anything funnier than what this “anonymous columnist” has written regarding Denison and lust. This guy/gal knows how to make me laugh!
So what I’ve decided to do is dissect this column joke by joke, in order to figure out what makes it tick. I say joke by joke because I assume that their column was not intended to be taken seriously.
To begin, we have the attention grabbing title on the front page: “This’ll hit the spot.” Get it? This will satisfy your craving for knowledge as well as make a beeline for what is known as the G-spot. Christ, that’s good. It implies that the phallic column of text on page 8 will stimulate you, whether you like it or not.
The first paragraph is about how hair will inevitably get caught in bunk beds, and how you should tell your roommate to get the fuck out before you partake in your “little late night rendezvous.” To all those at the Denisonian: Judging by that phrase, I believe you have a master of rhetoric among you, and their name is “anonymous columnist.” The alliteration, in addition to the judicious use of French, makes that sentence absolutely luscious. Also…I salute those brave souls who have sex while their roommate is asleep. You are brave like wolf, and just as ravenous for flesh.
The next paragraph explains how to cheat on your significant other in a clandestine manner. Oh, and how to have quiet sex in a closet so that you don’t seem like a “male Monica Lewinski.” You know, just in case you happen to be fucking the president. Duly noted.
The walk of shame: this author suggests you take the back route past Deeds, where you can avoid tour groups. After all, you don’t want a group of prospective students and their parents seeing you walking around without your dignity!
If you run into a friend of the girl that you’re hooking up with, the author advises that you deflect attention away from the fact that you totally just put your gun in her holster, as all the adolescents boys are saying these days. Try smiling. If the friend gives you a smile back, have sex with it. I kid, I kid! The Denisonian would never encourage that sort of behavior (well, not this week anyway).
Did you know that if you rub your face on someone else’s face, that some of your makeup will often—now brace yourselves, this may have some affect on your worldview—transfer over to them? While on the subject of having makeup smeared all over your face, why not make a quick dig at Stevie Wonder for being blind? I quote: “You should make sure you don’t look like someone handed Stevie Wonder a paintbrush with your face as a canvas.” First of all, Stevie Wonder never claimed to be a great painter. Secondly,
Hooking up with many members of a fraternity will get you a permanent reputation with the fraternity. And you thought that it would get you
The author wraps it all up rather smartly by asking the reader to think twice about their “animalistic instincts.” I appreciate that gesture, since I often find myself chasing after small animals, yelling something that sounds like “WHARRGARBL.” I think I’ll close in a similar fashion: if you lack common sense (or have read Glenn Beck’s book Common Sense), think twice about procreating. I don’t want those genes being passed down.
Murphy's Laws of Comedy by Kaitlyn Grissom
MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMEDY
(Note: Murphy, Inc. is not responsible for any part of this article, which was written exclusively by sophomore editor
Kaitlyn Grissom. Murphy himself was unavailable for comment, due to the fact that something that could go wrong, did.)
1. If you make a joke and I don’t laugh, it’s because your joke wasn’t funny. If I make a joke and you don’t laugh, it’s because you have no sense of humor.
2. Any joke that mocks someone I don’t like is hilarious. Any joke that someone else makes to mock me is offensive and unacceptable.
3. If I don’t find it funny when someone rehashes an old, overdone joke, that joke is stupid. If I do find that old joke funny, it’s “classic”.
4. Me making fun of something is called “freedom of speech.” Other people making fun of me is called ... something else.
5. If you’re offended by a joke that I find funny, you need to lighten up and get a sense of humor.
6. When I say, “get a sense of humor,” I mean “get a sense of humor that’s similar to mine.”
7. Poop jokes aren’t funny.
8. ...Except when poop jokes are funny.
(Note: Murphy, Inc. is not responsible for any part of this article, which was written exclusively by sophomore editor
Kaitlyn Grissom. Murphy himself was unavailable for comment, due to the fact that something that could go wrong, did.)
1. If you make a joke and I don’t laugh, it’s because your joke wasn’t funny. If I make a joke and you don’t laugh, it’s because you have no sense of humor.
2. Any joke that mocks someone I don’t like is hilarious. Any joke that someone else makes to mock me is offensive and unacceptable.
3. If I don’t find it funny when someone rehashes an old, overdone joke, that joke is stupid. If I do find that old joke funny, it’s “classic”.
4. Me making fun of something is called “freedom of speech.” Other people making fun of me is called ... something else.
5. If you’re offended by a joke that I find funny, you need to lighten up and get a sense of humor.
6. When I say, “get a sense of humor,” I mean “get a sense of humor that’s similar to mine.”
7. Poop jokes aren’t funny.
8. ...Except when poop jokes are funny.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Guilt Posters by Kaitlyn Grissom
I’m not sure if putting up posters telling stories of terror and oppression is helpful or exploitative, but my question is: Why stop there? There are so many more things to make college students feel guilty about! Here are a few poster ideas that might hit closer to home:
Oh. I see you’re taking the elevator. That’s nice...fatass.
Remember your great aunt that you didn’t know you had until she sent you a card with $100 in it for your high school graduation? You never wrote her a thank-you note. Don’t bother. She’s dead now.
You know, some kids can’t afford fun.
For every Bullsheet you read, God kills a Nickelback fan.
If you lived in 1450, you wouldn’t even have a bathroom stall to poop in.
Your parents work very hard to help pay for your education. What would they think if they saw you loafing around reading posters?
Oh. I see you’re taking the elevator. That’s nice...fatass.
Remember your great aunt that you didn’t know you had until she sent you a card with $100 in it for your high school graduation? You never wrote her a thank-you note. Don’t bother. She’s dead now.
You know, some kids can’t afford fun.
For every Bullsheet you read, God kills a Nickelback fan.
If you lived in 1450, you wouldn’t even have a bathroom stall to poop in.
Your parents work very hard to help pay for your education. What would they think if they saw you loafing around reading posters?
Response to 8580 and Kaitlyn Grissom by Sean 9036
To 8580:
When you tell me to become involved with the DCGA Dining Hall Committee, are you suggesting that my ideas are original and reasonable? To such a degree, that were I to have a “position” of power on this campus, then I would be able to get my way and so dramatically alter the dining hall situation? Are you suggesting that by going through the silly (and it IS silly in its current form) and by no means necessary (unless you want to pull an Aristotelian argument, which I doubt you do) measures that consist in trying to become a major part of DCGA… And from there I, once elected (VOTE FOR SEAN, FOLLOWED BY SOME SILLY SLOGAN AND A PICTURE WITH ME LOOKING ALL-DISINGENUOUS!), I could magically make meaningful change on this campus… Then I, I Sean!, WOULD see some changes?! …OH, BUT IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Why can’t I just on occasion write into the bullsheet and address an issue on this campus? Why can’t I write in for the sole public purpose of catching some people’s attention? Why can’t I write in to simply add my vocal discontent to the long list of those before me? …Maybe someone needs to start overseeing the bullsheet, start doing something with these ideas some of us students have taken the time to write in regarding. THAT’S ANOTHER IDEA FOR YOU TO DISMISS SOMEHOW! This overseer could be the type of someone who recognizes that students at this school actually have opinions worth considering. Some of those opinions are good, even. Some of those opinions are even popular (like the Sudexo complaint). Some of those opinions are perhaps worthy of being turned into something more! Some of those opinions are perhaps good grounds for someone who already has some leadership position to do something about such opinions.
…We do not all need (nor want) to become part of the “establishment” of leaders; and we mostly have very good reasons for that, which are not limited to laziness nor ignorance. We are justified, and I think good, to put our voice out there. We, as student writers, can leave it at that. That is acceptable and worthwhile. When our voice is harmlessly funny, even better. When our voice is pretty conscious of what/how we are contributing to a topic, even better. When our voice can inspire people to become more aware of something, even better. …Until this school becomes a direct democracy, I do not feel compelled to give two shits about becoming involved with DCGA. To whoever currently holds the positions on the Dining Hall Services Committee, are you fighting Sudexo like you should be, like the way students on this campus want you to be?
To Kaitlyn, Sophomore Editor:
Fuck, that WAS clever, that thing you wrote in on monday. For a couple seconds I felt pretty down and out. Then, I was able to come up with a string of pretty nice complaints over what you did there, with your BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM. Some questions, to start off: a) what is the bullsheet supposed to be? b) what form would you suggest submissions take instead of those already employed? c) where is my professor’s notification which says that I can choose to not write the 4 page paper for his/her class just as long as I spend a lot of time and care in constructing a perfect submission to the bullsheet? d) where is the drug that I am supposed to take in order to bring myself to YOUR conclusion that bitching is pointless (this applies to 8580, too)? e) where is the drug I take which turns me into a pacifist? f) where is the drug that I take which makes me forget that I AM, IN REALITY, NO MATTER HOW I SPIN IT, paying an outrageous sum of money to go to this school? g) where is the drug that I take in order to forget that police, campus security, sections of administration, certain professors, tons of conduct rules, lots of cultural matters etc are absolutely unjustified on this campus?
Excuse me, but “I have noticed” that YOU have impeded on my justified liberty. I kinda laughed, in a good way, when I read your mocking editorial. So, if you were just trying to be funny with your editorial about BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM, then sorry for my misunderstanding and no hard feelings. If, however, as I suspect, you were trying to criticize submissions in a very pretentious and elitist way, this little retort I made deserves you. I mean, I do not even think that what I wrote in the week before thanksgiving (regarding an array of issues I take with the dining halls and meal plans) falls too much in line with the FORM you concocted. But I defend those submissions from my peers which do. I defend silly back-and-forth shit. I defend it because why shouldn’t I? If the bullsheet exists. If the bullsheet is something where basically anything can be submitted. If the bullsheet wants to have such lax guidelines. Then the results produced are legitimate. It is a logical matter.
The fact that YOU, someone who works for the bullsheet, have criticized bullsheet content in such a smug manner really irks me. It would be one thing to have written in a little notice saying something to the effect of: we would encourage submissions be more responsible, considerate and content-driven. And maybe that was your intent. But, the fact of the matter is, BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM sorta kinda really comes across as a condemnation. I encourage bullsheet contributors to neither feel ashamed nor the need to change their style or agenda.
When you tell me to become involved with the DCGA Dining Hall Committee, are you suggesting that my ideas are original and reasonable? To such a degree, that were I to have a “position” of power on this campus, then I would be able to get my way and so dramatically alter the dining hall situation? Are you suggesting that by going through the silly (and it IS silly in its current form) and by no means necessary (unless you want to pull an Aristotelian argument, which I doubt you do) measures that consist in trying to become a major part of DCGA… And from there I, once elected (VOTE FOR SEAN, FOLLOWED BY SOME SILLY SLOGAN AND A PICTURE WITH ME LOOKING ALL-DISINGENUOUS!), I could magically make meaningful change on this campus… Then I, I Sean!, WOULD see some changes?! …OH, BUT IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY!
Why can’t I just on occasion write into the bullsheet and address an issue on this campus? Why can’t I write in for the sole public purpose of catching some people’s attention? Why can’t I write in to simply add my vocal discontent to the long list of those before me? …Maybe someone needs to start overseeing the bullsheet, start doing something with these ideas some of us students have taken the time to write in regarding. THAT’S ANOTHER IDEA FOR YOU TO DISMISS SOMEHOW! This overseer could be the type of someone who recognizes that students at this school actually have opinions worth considering. Some of those opinions are good, even. Some of those opinions are even popular (like the Sudexo complaint). Some of those opinions are perhaps worthy of being turned into something more! Some of those opinions are perhaps good grounds for someone who already has some leadership position to do something about such opinions.
…We do not all need (nor want) to become part of the “establishment” of leaders; and we mostly have very good reasons for that, which are not limited to laziness nor ignorance. We are justified, and I think good, to put our voice out there. We, as student writers, can leave it at that. That is acceptable and worthwhile. When our voice is harmlessly funny, even better. When our voice is pretty conscious of what/how we are contributing to a topic, even better. When our voice can inspire people to become more aware of something, even better. …Until this school becomes a direct democracy, I do not feel compelled to give two shits about becoming involved with DCGA. To whoever currently holds the positions on the Dining Hall Services Committee, are you fighting Sudexo like you should be, like the way students on this campus want you to be?
To Kaitlyn, Sophomore Editor:
Fuck, that WAS clever, that thing you wrote in on monday. For a couple seconds I felt pretty down and out. Then, I was able to come up with a string of pretty nice complaints over what you did there, with your BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM. Some questions, to start off: a) what is the bullsheet supposed to be? b) what form would you suggest submissions take instead of those already employed? c) where is my professor’s notification which says that I can choose to not write the 4 page paper for his/her class just as long as I spend a lot of time and care in constructing a perfect submission to the bullsheet? d) where is the drug that I am supposed to take in order to bring myself to YOUR conclusion that bitching is pointless (this applies to 8580, too)? e) where is the drug I take which turns me into a pacifist? f) where is the drug that I take which makes me forget that I AM, IN REALITY, NO MATTER HOW I SPIN IT, paying an outrageous sum of money to go to this school? g) where is the drug that I take in order to forget that police, campus security, sections of administration, certain professors, tons of conduct rules, lots of cultural matters etc are absolutely unjustified on this campus?
Excuse me, but “I have noticed” that YOU have impeded on my justified liberty. I kinda laughed, in a good way, when I read your mocking editorial. So, if you were just trying to be funny with your editorial about BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM, then sorry for my misunderstanding and no hard feelings. If, however, as I suspect, you were trying to criticize submissions in a very pretentious and elitist way, this little retort I made deserves you. I mean, I do not even think that what I wrote in the week before thanksgiving (regarding an array of issues I take with the dining halls and meal plans) falls too much in line with the FORM you concocted. But I defend those submissions from my peers which do. I defend silly back-and-forth shit. I defend it because why shouldn’t I? If the bullsheet exists. If the bullsheet is something where basically anything can be submitted. If the bullsheet wants to have such lax guidelines. Then the results produced are legitimate. It is a logical matter.
The fact that YOU, someone who works for the bullsheet, have criticized bullsheet content in such a smug manner really irks me. It would be one thing to have written in a little notice saying something to the effect of: we would encourage submissions be more responsible, considerate and content-driven. And maybe that was your intent. But, the fact of the matter is, BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM sorta kinda really comes across as a condemnation. I encourage bullsheet contributors to neither feel ashamed nor the need to change their style or agenda.
Harry Brown: A Review by Alex Chan
Harry Brown: A Review
I watched a movie earlier today called Michael Caine: Street Justice. Not really. It was actually titled Harry Brown, and it was pretty cool. It’s a British “crime-thriller” starring Michael Caine as the titular old man, who decides to fuck up some young gang members after they kill his best friend. The film’s take on today’s youth and gang culture is the typical “they hide in graffiti’d tunnels and smoke stuff out of light bulbs when they’re not harassing/killing people” shtick, and the scenes involving police are the usual “hey Chief, listen to me! There’s a vigilante out there killing people! Chief, please listen to my paranoid suspicions instead of doing real police work” sort of deal. But on the whole, the movie seemed like a less horrible, darker, British take on Gran Torino. Here’s a chart that I wrote up comparing the two films:
Gran Torino Harry Brown
Grizzled, ex-armed forces main character who don’t take no shit from no one Yes Yes
Punk ass kids who need a beating Yes Yes
Horrible Asian actors Every single one Just one girl who (unconvincingly) overdoses
Vigilante justice No Yes
Racism Yes No
Michael Caine No Yes
All in all, Harry Brown is a pretty alright movie. It’s good to see that other love Michael Caine as I do, seeing as how half the shots of Caine are close-ups of his face. The main problem was that he is too loveable a guy to be shooting people. To be fair, it’s not as if he goes on a rampage, shooting chavs willy-nilly. Every time I see a closeup of Caine’s sad, world-weary features in Harry Brown, I see a man who is a fucking badass wishes he could turn back time. A few British reviews criticized the movie for lacking “moral ambiguity,” but they can sod off, the tossers.
I watched a movie earlier today called Michael Caine: Street Justice. Not really. It was actually titled Harry Brown, and it was pretty cool. It’s a British “crime-thriller” starring Michael Caine as the titular old man, who decides to fuck up some young gang members after they kill his best friend. The film’s take on today’s youth and gang culture is the typical “they hide in graffiti’d tunnels and smoke stuff out of light bulbs when they’re not harassing/killing people” shtick, and the scenes involving police are the usual “hey Chief, listen to me! There’s a vigilante out there killing people! Chief, please listen to my paranoid suspicions instead of doing real police work” sort of deal. But on the whole, the movie seemed like a less horrible, darker, British take on Gran Torino. Here’s a chart that I wrote up comparing the two films:
Gran Torino Harry Brown
Grizzled, ex-armed forces main character who don’t take no shit from no one Yes Yes
Punk ass kids who need a beating Yes Yes
Horrible Asian actors Every single one Just one girl who (unconvincingly) overdoses
Vigilante justice No Yes
Racism Yes No
Michael Caine No Yes
All in all, Harry Brown is a pretty alright movie. It’s good to see that other love Michael Caine as I do, seeing as how half the shots of Caine are close-ups of his face. The main problem was that he is too loveable a guy to be shooting people. To be fair, it’s not as if he goes on a rampage, shooting chavs willy-nilly. Every time I see a closeup of Caine’s sad, world-weary features in Harry Brown, I see a man who is a fucking badass wishes he could turn back time. A few British reviews criticized the movie for lacking “moral ambiguity,” but they can sod off, the tossers.
Getting the LED Out by Jack Hundley
Those energy-saving “white” LED Christmas lights sure are hideous :(
Jack Hundley
8964
Jack Hundley
8964
SHIT SO REAL It CAN’T be made up (but it is) by Alex Chan
SHIT SO REAL
It CAN’T be made up
(but it is)
If you play Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” backwards, you hear “ecaf rekop,” which is Latin for “pig murder.”
A remake of Shaun of the Dead is in the works. It is to be directed by George Lucas and starring Keanu Reaves as Sean, Shia Labeouf as Ed, and Maggie Gyllenhaal as Liz.
In Australia, potatoes grow on trees and are known as “Outback oysters.”
There are only 4,000 people in the world who are actually double jointed, and they all share one thing in common: they are the most dangerous game.
The game Battleship can be traced back to a similar ancient Greek pastime, in which members of the cult of Dinonysis would guess the location of one their friends’ livestock, and if correct, have sex with it.
For every song that you illegally download, an intern at that record company is given a dead arm.
Every two weeks, someone dies from spontaneous thinking-that-Coldplay-is-good.
The Bullsheet was founded many years ago, when a local farm animal kicked over a lamp and started a fire. A man rose from the ashes of the barn, and that man was Jesus Christ. This is why Chinese New Year is on a different day every year.
It CAN’T be made up
(but it is)
If you play Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” backwards, you hear “ecaf rekop,” which is Latin for “pig murder.”
A remake of Shaun of the Dead is in the works. It is to be directed by George Lucas and starring Keanu Reaves as Sean, Shia Labeouf as Ed, and Maggie Gyllenhaal as Liz.
In Australia, potatoes grow on trees and are known as “Outback oysters.”
There are only 4,000 people in the world who are actually double jointed, and they all share one thing in common: they are the most dangerous game.
The game Battleship can be traced back to a similar ancient Greek pastime, in which members of the cult of Dinonysis would guess the location of one their friends’ livestock, and if correct, have sex with it.
For every song that you illegally download, an intern at that record company is given a dead arm.
Every two weeks, someone dies from spontaneous thinking-that-Coldplay-is-good.
The Bullsheet was founded many years ago, when a local farm animal kicked over a lamp and started a fire. A man rose from the ashes of the barn, and that man was Jesus Christ. This is why Chinese New Year is on a different day every year.
eal news stories that don’t need a punchline by Alex Chan
Real news stories that don’t need a punchline
Student brought up on murder charges is afraid of being branded a murderer
Surprise! Few surprises in Grammy nominations
Somalian suicide attack condemned
Tiger Woods was “very insecure” of his small calves, says mistress
Three LA students may face criminal charges after beating up 11 red-haired classmates
Student brought up on murder charges is afraid of being branded a murderer
Surprise! Few surprises in Grammy nominations
Somalian suicide attack condemned
Tiger Woods was “very insecure” of his small calves, says mistress
Three LA students may face criminal charges after beating up 11 red-haired classmates
You Also Are a Douche by Crystal 7455
Dear Erin Mulhern,
Nothing personal, but you yourself look like a douche by using the word “retarded” in an insulting manner. Seeing as you’re an English major, I’d expect you to be able to come up with a more politically correct, and less offensive, phrase. :)
-Crystal 7455
Nothing personal, but you yourself look like a douche by using the word “retarded” in an insulting manner. Seeing as you’re an English major, I’d expect you to be able to come up with a more politically correct, and less offensive, phrase. :)
-Crystal 7455
Hey Sean 9036 by Slayter Box 8580
Hey Sean 9036,
Denison has a Dining Hall Services Committee on which DCGA elects students to serve. Maybe if you spent half as much time running for a spot as you do bitching, you’d see some changes.
8580
Denison has a Dining Hall Services Committee on which DCGA elects students to serve. Maybe if you spent half as much time running for a spot as you do bitching, you’d see some changes.
8580
Bullsheet Submission Form by Kaitlyn Grissom
BULLSHEET SUBMISSION FORM
BODY FORMAT A:
Dear Denison Community,
I have noticed_______________________________________. What the fuck, Denison. I pay forty-five thousand dollars a year to go here, and this is what I get. Maybe if the (faculty / staff / administration) weren’t so busy _____________________________________________________, they would finally get there shit together and fix the ______________________.
And, on a completely unrelated note, fuck Sodexo. I just figure that if I restate what everyone else is already saying about Sodexo enough times, Sodexo will vanish in a puff of foul-smelling smoke. Then maybe it will be replaced by ____________________________________________.
___________________________________________________________
And also, fuck security. I hate it when I’m trying to get my fucking underage drank on, and some fucking security guard gets all up in my face, being like, all like, “Alright, kids, it’s quiet hours now,” or “Sorry but this is my job.” What a bunch of fucking pricks. Everybody knows that college was invented to allow me four years of doing whatever I want. Fuck rules. I just fucking want to fucking do the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
BODY FORMAT B:
Dear douchebag who wrote in yesterday,
You are such a douchebag. Maybe you should quit ___________________________________________, and get a life, like me. Obviously you have nothing to do but submit things to the Bullsheet.
PLEASE CIRCLE A CLOSING ADDRESS: sincerely / fuck you / peace / other___________
PLEASE CHECK NEXT TO PREFERRED SIGNATURE:
__ I prefer to use my real name. ____________________________
__ I have a good reason to submit anonymously, such as:
__ having witnessed a crime
__ having been the victim of sexual assault
__ having received previous threats of violence
__ I have none of the above reasons for not putting my name on my submission, but I’m going to anyway.
Thank you for filling out our submission form! The Bullsheet staff appreciates your contribution.
Form drafted by Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor, and Duchess Sam Driver, Duchess / Guest Editor
BODY FORMAT A:
Dear Denison Community,
I have noticed_______________________________________. What the fuck, Denison. I pay forty-five thousand dollars a year to go here, and this is what I get. Maybe if the (faculty / staff / administration) weren’t so busy _____________________________________________________, they would finally get there shit together and fix the ______________________.
And, on a completely unrelated note, fuck Sodexo. I just figure that if I restate what everyone else is already saying about Sodexo enough times, Sodexo will vanish in a puff of foul-smelling smoke. Then maybe it will be replaced by ____________________________________________.
___________________________________________________________
And also, fuck security. I hate it when I’m trying to get my fucking underage drank on, and some fucking security guard gets all up in my face, being like, all like, “Alright, kids, it’s quiet hours now,” or “Sorry but this is my job.” What a bunch of fucking pricks. Everybody knows that college was invented to allow me four years of doing whatever I want. Fuck rules. I just fucking want to fucking do the fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
BODY FORMAT B:
Dear douchebag who wrote in yesterday,
You are such a douchebag. Maybe you should quit ___________________________________________, and get a life, like me. Obviously you have nothing to do but submit things to the Bullsheet.
PLEASE CIRCLE A CLOSING ADDRESS: sincerely / fuck you / peace / other___________
PLEASE CHECK NEXT TO PREFERRED SIGNATURE:
__ I prefer to use my real name. ____________________________
__ I have a good reason to submit anonymously, such as:
__ having witnessed a crime
__ having been the victim of sexual assault
__ having received previous threats of violence
__ I have none of the above reasons for not putting my name on my submission, but I’m going to anyway.
Thank you for filling out our submission form! The Bullsheet staff appreciates your contribution.
Form drafted by Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor, and Duchess Sam Driver, Duchess / Guest Editor
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Notes from Sodexo Focus Group Meeting
Here are the minutes as fast as I could get them. I won't say who said what (except for myself), but this covers pretty much everything that was said.
---There's Sodexo food on a buffet table in the corner, and we are encouraged to help ourselves. Everyone has just eaten dinner.
---I won't name names, but the group is composed of about twelve students. A few vegetarians. One with severe food allergies. A few DCGA people.
---Running the meeting are Ron Ralston (Sodexo regional manager) and Kim Bacchetti (Sodexo district manager). Note: Ron is sporting the suavest purple button-down I have ever seen.
---Apparently, this meeting is taking place because they "recognize that Baja Taco is not a long-term solution."
---All of the discussion will focus on Slayter, not Huffman or Curtis. Gee, I was lured here under the premise of talking about the dining situation in general. Nice bait-and-switch there, guys.
---The structure has been decided: They read questions off of a list, we go around the table and answer them one by one.
---First question: What retail brand would you like to replace Baja Taco? There is a resounding call for Panera or Panda Express, with a few other fast food joints thrown in.
---What restaurants do you typically choose when you're on break? People name a smattering of ethnic foods. I say I don't eat at restaurants- I buy groceries.
---What type of food would you like to see added to Slayter? Responses are consistent: healthy, local, organic, Asian. I say grocery items like milk, sliced bread, and boxes of pasta.
---How do we define healthy? Knowing what ingredients are in the food, cutting down on grease and preservatives, smaller portions, less processed stuff, more protein to balance out the huge selection of carbs, a plan without flex dollars so that people won't feel pressured to buy more food. Then they can spend it on...GROCERIES!
---Yay! They finally ask: What kind of groceries? For the first time, we're not searching for words. We rack up a long list: Cooking necessities, grocery staples like milk and cereal, breakfast foods, canned goods, more varieties of fruit, energy drinks, to name a few. The last guy brings up that even if we had all these things, the prices would be ridiculously high compared to similar items at a grocery store. Good point, last guy.
---They open up the floor for questions. Students ask the following:
---How are the prices for Slayter items determined? Question deflected! They say that we should ask the general manager, Becky McAda (I'm completely guessing on the spelling. She's not in the directory.) The meeting's minute-keeper, a catering staff member, chimes in with a straight answer. Apparently, twice-yearly price comparisons are conducted by staff members, and all suggested retail prices must be ratified by the board of trustees.
---What have previous focus groups said? Question deflected! Uh, yeah, follow up with Becky on that one.
---My favorite question of the night: Sodexo avoids the whole religion thing by having a "holiday meal" instead of a Christmas meal...and yet has no qualms about serving a "Hannukah dinner." Why? This also gets my favorite response of the night, from Ron: "Uh, I think that's more of a society thing." Kim follows up by saying that a Hannukah dinner is prepared according to Kosher rules, and is a good way to experience someone else's culture. So Christianity doesn't count as a culture, but Judaism does? Another note: every Jewish student I've consulted about those suspicious-looking latkes says that the Sodexo Hannukah bears absolutely no resemblance to the real thing.
---What would you be willing to pay for a full meal, including a drink? All other answers range from five to seven dollars. I low-ball it at $3. "Three dollars? For a full meal?" says Ron. Well, if I could get my head out of Sodexo's stranglehold and BUY MY OWN GROCERIES, I'd only be paying 75 cents a meal.
---What percentage of foods served in the dining halls are from Ohio? They say, in many words, that both Sodexo and the University trying their best to be more sustainable.
---One student has brought an article about a Sodexo-catered dining hall at another university, which has made various accomodations for students with nut and gluten allergies. Can we expect to see improvements in this area? They say that's certainly something to work on.
---What was your impetus for holding this meeting? They're stumped. The university just asked them to do it. Note to self: Must find out who, and if that person reads the Bullsheet.
---Will students have a say in what establishment replaces Baja Taco? Maybe.
---Will there be another focus group concerning Curtis and Huffman? Sounds good, we'll work on it.
---Them veggies look sketchy. How do you prepare them, and how fresh are they? Why, shipments arrive three times a week, and there are strict "freshness rules."
---I ask for a Christmas present: a cheaper meal plan that doesn't have flex dollars. On second thought, very bad move on my part. Not so sure Santa and I are on the best terms.
---Fruit girl really wants more fruit!
---Ron reminds us that they are simply passing this information along to the administration- the university gets to make the final call.
---Focus group dismissed. We are informed that this is the only time we'll be allowed to take food from an event, so we had better take lots and lots! I consider shoving some chicken and green beans in my pockets, but decide against it. Oooh, is that Diet Coke? Score!
My synopsis: The entire discussion was tightly controlled. They want to what they could do to make us for satisfied with Slayter's food options...not what would make us more satisfied with our food options in general. Their narrow line of questioning makes sense. After all, they're a company trying to make money. But one wonders what their capital motivation to make these changes is, since the structure of the meal plan system forces us to buy their products, and only their products, no matter how low the quality or high the price.
As good marketing people, they want to know how to simultaneously promote the interests of the students (cheaper, healthier food) and Sodexo's interests ($$$). The ugly truth is, however, that our interests are in direct opposition to ours. The less Sodexo monopolizes our food budget, the healthier and cheaper we are likely to eat. But of course, these guys can't go back to their bosses and advocate sacrificing revenue. So they'll pack Slayter with a wider, more nutritious variety of overpriced crap.
I appreciate the effort from all parties involved, but asking "What Sodexo food do you want to eat?" is not the same as asking "What do you want to eat?"
If any one knows whose tree to go barking up, let me know.
Over and out,
Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor
---There's Sodexo food on a buffet table in the corner, and we are encouraged to help ourselves. Everyone has just eaten dinner.
---I won't name names, but the group is composed of about twelve students. A few vegetarians. One with severe food allergies. A few DCGA people.
---Running the meeting are Ron Ralston (Sodexo regional manager) and Kim Bacchetti (Sodexo district manager). Note: Ron is sporting the suavest purple button-down I have ever seen.
---Apparently, this meeting is taking place because they "recognize that Baja Taco is not a long-term solution."
---All of the discussion will focus on Slayter, not Huffman or Curtis. Gee, I was lured here under the premise of talking about the dining situation in general. Nice bait-and-switch there, guys.
---The structure has been decided: They read questions off of a list, we go around the table and answer them one by one.
---First question: What retail brand would you like to replace Baja Taco? There is a resounding call for Panera or Panda Express, with a few other fast food joints thrown in.
---What restaurants do you typically choose when you're on break? People name a smattering of ethnic foods. I say I don't eat at restaurants- I buy groceries.
---What type of food would you like to see added to Slayter? Responses are consistent: healthy, local, organic, Asian. I say grocery items like milk, sliced bread, and boxes of pasta.
---How do we define healthy? Knowing what ingredients are in the food, cutting down on grease and preservatives, smaller portions, less processed stuff, more protein to balance out the huge selection of carbs, a plan without flex dollars so that people won't feel pressured to buy more food. Then they can spend it on...GROCERIES!
---Yay! They finally ask: What kind of groceries? For the first time, we're not searching for words. We rack up a long list: Cooking necessities, grocery staples like milk and cereal, breakfast foods, canned goods, more varieties of fruit, energy drinks, to name a few. The last guy brings up that even if we had all these things, the prices would be ridiculously high compared to similar items at a grocery store. Good point, last guy.
---They open up the floor for questions. Students ask the following:
---How are the prices for Slayter items determined? Question deflected! They say that we should ask the general manager, Becky McAda (I'm completely guessing on the spelling. She's not in the directory.) The meeting's minute-keeper, a catering staff member, chimes in with a straight answer. Apparently, twice-yearly price comparisons are conducted by staff members, and all suggested retail prices must be ratified by the board of trustees.
---What have previous focus groups said? Question deflected! Uh, yeah, follow up with Becky on that one.
---My favorite question of the night: Sodexo avoids the whole religion thing by having a "holiday meal" instead of a Christmas meal...and yet has no qualms about serving a "Hannukah dinner." Why? This also gets my favorite response of the night, from Ron: "Uh, I think that's more of a society thing." Kim follows up by saying that a Hannukah dinner is prepared according to Kosher rules, and is a good way to experience someone else's culture. So Christianity doesn't count as a culture, but Judaism does? Another note: every Jewish student I've consulted about those suspicious-looking latkes says that the Sodexo Hannukah bears absolutely no resemblance to the real thing.
---What would you be willing to pay for a full meal, including a drink? All other answers range from five to seven dollars. I low-ball it at $3. "Three dollars? For a full meal?" says Ron. Well, if I could get my head out of Sodexo's stranglehold and BUY MY OWN GROCERIES, I'd only be paying 75 cents a meal.
---What percentage of foods served in the dining halls are from Ohio? They say, in many words, that both Sodexo and the University trying their best to be more sustainable.
---One student has brought an article about a Sodexo-catered dining hall at another university, which has made various accomodations for students with nut and gluten allergies. Can we expect to see improvements in this area? They say that's certainly something to work on.
---What was your impetus for holding this meeting? They're stumped. The university just asked them to do it. Note to self: Must find out who, and if that person reads the Bullsheet.
---Will students have a say in what establishment replaces Baja Taco? Maybe.
---Will there be another focus group concerning Curtis and Huffman? Sounds good, we'll work on it.
---Them veggies look sketchy. How do you prepare them, and how fresh are they? Why, shipments arrive three times a week, and there are strict "freshness rules."
---I ask for a Christmas present: a cheaper meal plan that doesn't have flex dollars. On second thought, very bad move on my part. Not so sure Santa and I are on the best terms.
---Fruit girl really wants more fruit!
---Ron reminds us that they are simply passing this information along to the administration- the university gets to make the final call.
---Focus group dismissed. We are informed that this is the only time we'll be allowed to take food from an event, so we had better take lots and lots! I consider shoving some chicken and green beans in my pockets, but decide against it. Oooh, is that Diet Coke? Score!
My synopsis: The entire discussion was tightly controlled. They want to what they could do to make us for satisfied with Slayter's food options...not what would make us more satisfied with our food options in general. Their narrow line of questioning makes sense. After all, they're a company trying to make money. But one wonders what their capital motivation to make these changes is, since the structure of the meal plan system forces us to buy their products, and only their products, no matter how low the quality or high the price.
As good marketing people, they want to know how to simultaneously promote the interests of the students (cheaper, healthier food) and Sodexo's interests ($$$). The ugly truth is, however, that our interests are in direct opposition to ours. The less Sodexo monopolizes our food budget, the healthier and cheaper we are likely to eat. But of course, these guys can't go back to their bosses and advocate sacrificing revenue. So they'll pack Slayter with a wider, more nutritious variety of overpriced crap.
I appreciate the effort from all parties involved, but asking "What Sodexo food do you want to eat?" is not the same as asking "What do you want to eat?"
If any one knows whose tree to go barking up, let me know.
Over and out,
Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor
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