Man Discovers his Spirit Animal is a Bichon Frise by Kaitlyn Grissom

Young Man Discovers his Spirit Animal is a Bichon Frise

Area youth Stephen Waters was dismayed with the outcome of his recent attempts to connect with his Native American heritage. Waters, 19, discovered in 2005 that he is one sixteenth Cherokee on his mother’s side, and has since researched Cherokee culture in order to rediscover his roots. His friend Chris says of his journey: “Yeah, Stephen’s mom told him his great-grandpa might have been half-Indian, or maybe just had a real nice tan. The next day, he bought a tobacco pipe in the shape of a wolf.”
But Waters’ quest for knowledge didn’t stop there. He has since bought a painting of Indian chief on black velvet canvas, which he keeps on his computer desk. Waters has also been observed wearing an arrowhead on a piece of twine around his neck. His deep connection to his ancestors has even culminated in brief but violent spurts of resentment toward the Founding Fathers.
Three months ago, after graduating from high school, Waters decided that it was time to become a man- a real man, in the way his great Cherokee ancestors would have wished it. Waters’ mother, Nina, comments: “Well, wouldn’t you know, little Stevie was all set to go on this fancy-schmancy spiritual journey with this fella Chief Standing Tree, who I guess he musta met on the interweb. So I says to him, I says, ‘Okay, mister, but do realize you’ll have to go outside and camp in a tent like other boys?’”
Waters’ journey began with a flight to Virginia, where Chief Standing tree guided him through a brief meditation, and then instructed Water to journey into Zoar State forest. Waters was to find and set up camp on the hallowed burial ground, where he would spend three days without food. After much intense prayer and fasting, said Standing Tree, Water’s spirit animal would come to him in a vision. “I was willing to do whatever my wise elder asked of me”, promised Waters, “except I had a couple wheels of Baybel cheese. And I may or may not have used my mom’s card to check into a hotel for a shower. My hair was getting sooo gross.”
Waters was understandably dismayed when, at the time of his vision, a small fluffy dog wearing a little doggy sweater appeared to him. Says Waters of his spiritual experience: “Man, that Standing Tree guy must have been a hack. My spirit animal is probably more like an eagle, or maybe a dragon. I’ll get mother to hire another guide.”

-Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor

Tios for Freshmen by Rob and Taylor

Rob and Taylor’s tips for freshman
1. There are hand sanitizers all over campus- drink them like jell-o shots.
2. Never attend class.
3. Drink everyday but Tuesday. You wont have time to drink, when you’re jobless.
4. Always drink Thursdays- there’s good tv on.
5. Try to find the secret tunnel to the basement of brews.
6. Pregame all labs.
7. Pregame all classes.
8. Try to get in the Denisonian Crime Report to establish your rep.
9. Bro hard or bro home.
10. Play Sherlock Holmes: blackout and try to piece together your night through a series of clues you left behind. Make sure have an accompanying Watson who is still shit-faced drunk to ensure you’re the one who solves the mystery, not him.
11. And most importantly: If you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Despite what others may tell you.
Love,
Rob and Taylor

Rigged Elections in Iran by Jason Cox

Hey Denison,

Remember when Michael Jackson died? Of course you do, because everyone in the world collectively crapped their pants about the death of one of the world's biggest (and creepiest) stars.

But 12 days before Jacko's death, the world's attention was on the outcome of the Iranian presidential elections. Many experts believed that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad rigged the elections, leading hundreds of thousands of protestors to take to the streets. Violence ensued, international media were restricted, the Internet was shut down, and the Iranian police force detained 4,000, injured hundreds, and killed as many as 72 protesters and innocent bystanders.

Ultimately Ahmadinejad and the Iranian government quelled a potential people's revolution, but things are still not at ease in Iran. If you are interested in learning more about contemporary Iranian politics (and getting free pizza!), come tonight to hear Dr. Sohrab Behdad, co-author of Class and Labor in Iran: Did the Revolution Matter? speak in Burton Morgon 219 at 4:30.


(Protestors squaring off with Iranian police during a post-election protest)
-Jason Cox

Mailbag by Rob and Taylor

Rob and Taylor Mailbag: Amongst the waves of fan mail we, Rob and Taylor, have compiled the best of the best.
1. Deer Robb and Tailer,
Wii thinc yu gies arr awesum-lee funnie. Wii all-sew arr vary whornie. Wii thinc yur cuet. Wiill yu go on a dayte width uz?
<@:) Caitlin and K.K.
No. Judging by your spelling errors, which we find amazing with today’s technology, we can safely assume you’re around 7 years old. You’re unattractive and stupid.
Sawry. <@:(
2. Yo Rob and Taylor,
You forgot to mention Bod Man body fragrance and Abercrombie, which is all I ever get (and pussy).
-Chad.
An egregious error on our part, sorry about that Chad Bro-cho cinco. Keep shitting fucks!
3. Hello sir. I am exchange student at Granville High School and was wondering about American humor. I have 35-page essay on American comedy. May it please you to interview you? Thank you, I am humbled.
Yours truly,
Benjamin Washington.
Three words: no fucking way. Where are you from exactly Mr. Washington? I’ve never even heard of it. We don’t have time for your god damn high school bullshit. We have interviews lined up for Time, Country Living, Vogue Knitting International, Estylo and Jugz n’ Gunz.
4. So let me get this straight, you guys write together?
Uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm………. Yeahhhhhhhhhhh…………….
Love,
Rob and Taylor
(Note: all people aren’t real and are figments of the author’s imagination. We in fact have zero fans.)

Turdis by Slayter Box 7318

Efficiency:
I can't say I'm too surprised that Turdis dining hall has raped this word up the butthole
and, in it's arrogant ways, has created a completely incomprehensible translation. Turdis
was surely considering its own version of efficiency when it decided to implement a new,
stricter card swipe policy. Say, god forbid, one forgets their Denison ID due to the fact
that, as a college student, there's a lot of more important shit to remember. Now say
that individual would like to eat lunch. Without a Denison ID they will be thoroughly
fucked.

In order to make it past the black gates of Turdis without an ID, one must fill out a
"DENISON UNIVERSITY Lost Card Voucher," though their card isn't really lost; it's just in
their room and they simply want to eat some shitty food during their thirty minute break
between classes so they won't be hungry for the rest of the day. It only takes one about
ten seconds to fill in the few lines of generic student information. It takes the Turdis
employee, however, between one and five minutes to successfully process this information
into their little computer and explain to the student that this mindfuckingly complicated
process has included the deactivation of their Denison ID. Ok, at least you can get some
food now.

Later, however, the true reality of efficiency slowly materializes as one realizes that
their Denison ID has literally been deactivated and that it can do nothing that it is
supposed to do: It cannot open doors, it cannot check books out, it cannot get meal
exchange (and neither can the card voucher, which renders it practically just as useless
with its sole advantage lying in its ability to access Turdis), and it cannot be
reactivated until one can walk to the Turdis west office during the few hours that the
facility is actually operating.

I guess it just doesn't make a lot of sense, and I wonder if there is any solution
slightly less fuckingly stupid. I can see no benefits of such a convoluted system. A
responsible student may never forget their ID and then there is no problem. Does Turdis
really expect so much, though? We already pay a ridiculous price for its shitty food and
the included overall lackluster experience. It's as if Turdis is punishing one with a
long process of inconveniences for forgetting their ID. Can't one simply provide their ID
number? Honestly, if the place was cooking real food that actually tasted good I could
understand their overprotective tactics, but I don't think many people have a scam in
mind when they show up without their ID. At Denison, the student ID serves many functions
and it seems fucked up that Turdis has the power to deactivate it. If we had separate
meal cards, I would have no problem with the system, but we don't. It is in no way
efficient. The minor inconvenience caused by the student's forgetfulness is in no way
proportional to the amount of time it takes for the Turdis employee to figure their shit
out. A crappy lunch is definitely not more important than all the other benefits a
Denison ID provides.
You can say I'm just bitching, but seriously, what the fuck Turdis?

7318

The Spice Girls Paradigm by Holly Burdorff

There has been much talk on campus about that new fraternity thing; at least, my Greek friends were talking about it the other day, and I thought I'd offer my opinion, mostly because they told me to. Also, Alex has a lot of space to fill tonight.

Anyway, the main point of concern appears to be that the creation of a new IFC fraternity will confuse everyone. I don't really understand the source of this confusion, but I think it has something to do with stereotypes: several of the fraternities are hard to differentiate (maybe? i really don't know), so why (i guess?) do they have to create a new one?

(As you can tell, I was not really listening to the conversation; I was merely throwing in unproductive statements until it was time for me to go back home to my bridge.)

As we all know, the IFC sororities at Denison are all very different. This is because, as the 90s told us, there are many, many different kinds of women - 5 whole kinds, in fact! Those five kinds are: Sporty, Scary, Posh, Baby, Ginger. I commonly refer to this as the Spice Girls Paradigm for the Acceptable Varieties of Women. The sororities at Denison represent these 5 Acceptable Varieties (i.e. Theta = Sporty Spice*).

So, to reduce confusion for the fraternities, I propose the creation of a dude paradigm. One possibility would be Pokemon (i.e. Fire, Water, Grass, Electric, Fighting, Poison, Ground, Flying, Psychic, Bug, etc.). As we see, though, there are too many types of Pokemon. Power Rangers, of course, would be our next logical choice, but there are not enough kinds of Power Rangers. My favorite idea is an Aqua Teen Hunger Force paradigm, but there are not enough of them, either. (But a Meatwad-themed fraternity would be fantastic.)

Anyway, you guys can fight it out.

-Holly Burdorff

when my stomach is in need i like to eat at curtis by Slayter Box 7318

when my stomach is in need i like to eat at curtis. it is a fun place. they have lots of
flavors of soda. cherry coke is my favorite thing from curtis. it's nice how they give
you a mint. sometimes i take two, but if i do i skip my mint for the next meal. i like
color coordination, and it makes me very happy that all my food is yellow-brown.
yellow-brown is probably one of my favorite colors other than brown-brown. oh yeah! and
curtis has CHEFS! the stirfry station is very yummy. it is cool to eat food from many
places such as china and italy and mexico. it probably costs a lot of money to go to such
exotic places for food. that is why i am ok with paying the price. sometimes i put french
fries on my hamburger! you are allowed to do that at curtis. i have many parental figures
there. when i am hungry i smell my shirt and it smells like curtis and that is like a
snack for the nose. CRYSTAL METH CRYSTAL METH CRYSTAL METH.