How Dare You Criticize the Tit-Curtain Dress! by Stas Nogay

Dear Matt Miller, you pompous prick,
I found your article in the Bullsheet yesterday (or was it two days ago? Damn you for your inconsistency, Bullsheet!) to be grossly offensive. I am astounded by your ignorance and lack of tact, you enormous, monolithic, Libertarian, deist, son of a turdnugget. You, sir, are a heinous reprobate unworthy of the ink spent on your submission. You sit there on your glorious intellectual hill, reproaching us for our misdeeds. Your clear, logical, often correctly spelled MINDLESS TIRADES are an insult to everything the Bullsheet stands for, and this time, you middling agent of nincompoopery, you have pushed me too far! One thing above all else sent me over the edge; one thing assaulted my sense of moral indignation more than anything Darrin Collins could have ever written. You, sir, are a fiend: HOW DARE YOU MOCK THE TIT-CURTAIN DRESS!
Who are you to criticize a woman for her choice of clothing? Women are people, too, you chauvinistic insult to sensitivity. Why should you care if a woman decides to hide her beautiful, shapely figure under a cloth that exposes nothing of her form, rendering her with the visual appeal, but none of the cuteness, of a child in a ghost costume with the head cut off? What is it to you if women insist on appearing similar in shape to a loogie shot into saran wrap? Why should you care at all if they decide to hide the enticing shape of plump (or not so plump) breasts under a veil of linen, silken, or cotton secrecy?
Most women who wear these dresses are in fairly good shape, and thus could show off fine figures of femininity, as prime examples of the success of the evolutionary development of sexual stimuli, but instead chose to hide themselves under a partition of bland, emotionless drapery that serves not only to hide them, but to distract from any potentially attractive feature they might otherwise posses. That is their choice! Why should you care?! You just see women as sex objects, don’t you? You just want them to wear more attractive clothing (i.e. anything else) so that you can ogle them with your lusty man-eyes, right? How dare you be so shallow as to give in to thousands of years of intellectual and emotional evolution and demand that your women be physically appealing to you! Women are beautiful individuals, and have every right to completely and totally destroy that beauty by wearing the functional and visual equivalent of a cardboard box, thus forcing men to love them for their minds and character, given that there is nothing a man could possibly find attractive in something that makes women look as much like a jellyfish as a human being. You, Matt Miller, are the kind of man who makes the loving, deep, nice, sweet men like me, who are so desperate for attention that we pretend not to judge women, even a little bit, by their looks, seem like arrogant, egotistical assholes who are actually fun to be around and don’t whine like little girls.
Therefore, I applaud you, you myriad of attractive women who wear figure-destroying tit-curtain dresses, for helping to stop the evils that are the male sex drive and the occasional female desire to feel attractive. You, in all of your drooping, hanging, completely unattractive drapery-esque glory, somehow manage to be less sexually appealing than if you were wearing a trench coat. Wearing ugly-ass, stupid, God-damn-I-want-to-punch-the-idiot-who-designed-these-things, appearance eviscerating dresses is your revolution, and only with their amazing ability to somehow make you uglier by hanging directly off of your breasts can you free yourselves from the shackles of men, and any chance you might ever have at finding a man who actually wants to sleep with you. You are the vanguards of a new feminism, and an era of anti-attractiveness. Let this new era, devoid of sexual appeal, a desert without a single oasis of good looks, be built upon the marvelous work of the hallowed tit-curtain dress, and curse you, Matt Miller, for trying to hinder this brilliant mission.

Sincerely,
Stas “$5 says a few people don’t understand sarcasm, even when it is really, really overdone” Nogay, Slayter Box 8282