In the latest issue of the Denisonian, there was an article titled “Suriviving the snow: A satire on Ohio weather.” Satire is defined (by dictionary.com) as “the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.” The piece was filled with what seemed to be legitimate advice, under a barely perceptible veil of sarcasm, irony, etc. For example, stocking up on essentials like hot chocolate, as suggested by the article, is precisely what one should do during the winter months. Blankets, jackets, gloves, and snow shoes are winter essentials as well (although the mention of snow shoes is done with a hint of sarcasm). Describing a walk to class gone wrong as “getting stuck in nature” is a bit silly, but not enough for this to be satirical. Also, the ending of the article struck me as sappy and, more than anything else, a bit creepy. “If all else fails, make sure you’re near that special someone seeing how it is Valentine’s season; after all, human contact is nature’s heater.” When I read this sentence, I imagined someone going all Empire Strikes Back on their significant other, ie cutting them open, removing the intestines, and curling up in the stomach/chest cavity for warmth.
But my real point here is that there’s not really much to expose, denounce, or deride when it comes to the weather. It would be hard to satirize something that can’t be changed. That being said, I thought I’d help out by providing the Denison community with a similar Bullsheet guide to surviving winter:
1. Before a snowstorm, pray to Skaði, the Norse goddess of bowhunting, skiing, winter, and mountains. Sacrifice your roommate if they refuse to join you. Skaði doesn’t fuck around.
2. Stock up on the essentials. This should include hot chocolate, blankets, jackets, hats, gloves, Purell, pop tarts, hard candy, bottled water, duct tape, roadside flares, a knife, a compass, bandages, gauze, a Gideon bible, several bags of mulch, a bent playing card, twist ties, bleach, and a month’s worth of Bullsheets.
3. Should the dining halls close due to inclement weather, learn how to forage for food. Follow other people’s footprints through the snow to see where they are getting food from. Know the difference between mold and the delicious and healthy fungus that grows on old food. Carpool with friends who are going to Chipotle, Wendy’s, etc. Or, if you’re desperate, cling to the undercarriage.
3a. When clinging to the undercarriage, dress appropriately. Be prepared for snow, slush, blocks of ice, fallen branches, Licking County Highway Patrol Spike strips, landmines, and coyotes.
4. If all else fails, kill yourself laugh about it. Skaði smiles upon those with a sense of humor. When the other gods killed Þjazi, Skaði’s daughter, the angry snow goddess stormed Asgard and demanded compensation. In her terms of settlement, the notoriously cold Skaði included one stipulation that she believed the gods would be unable to meet: Skaði wanted them to make her laugh. So the Aesir tied Loki’s testicles to the beard of a goat. The goat began to pull stubbornly, causing Loki to scream out in agony. Skaði laughed and laughed, and the gods agreed to honor her lost daughter by throwing Þjazi’s eyes into the heavens, where they became stars.
The moral of all this? Don’t give up! Someday, you might live to see a tug-of-war between a goat and someone’s genitals. Who knows, maybe that someone will be YOU! Believe in yourself!
--Alex Chan, Junior Editor
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Newsflash: Taylor Swift’s High School Crush Files Restraining Order by Kaitlyn Grissom
Newsflash: Taylor Swift’s High School Crush Files Restraining Order
by Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor
“At first, she seemed pretty cool. We went on a date at Olive Garden. She talked the entire time about how she wasn’t as pretty as the popular girls. I should have seen the warning signs.” So began the courtship between soon-to-be singer/songwriter Taylor Swift and her high school classmate, “Mike.” Three years later, Mike would regret that fateful Olive Garden evening as he entered his apartment to find “You Belong With Me” written in goat blood on the wall of his kitchen.
Mike has recently filed a restraining order against the famed Swift, who has allegedly bombarded him with unwelcome midnight serenades, as well as thousands upon thousands of voicemails recording nothing but the sound of Swift crying. “Ever since she found out my new girlfriend doesn’t like Johnny Cash, she’s been threatening her, too. She keeps insisting that I stop being attracted to my girlfriend and start finding her quirkiness attractive. And when I say ‘quirkiness,’ I mean ‘showing up to prom in a wedding dress and glaring at my date the entire time.’”
Swift’s quirkiness, her lawyers say, may actually be symptomatic of a common but deadly mental disease: GNDS, or Girl/Guy Next Door Syndrome. Studies have shown that millions of Americans suffer from GNDS, which causes sufferers to attribute their lack of significant other to imaginary persecution by cheerleaders, quarterbacks, or other conventionally successful people- no matter how much the GNDS sufferer resembles those people. This often causing them to overlook the true cause of their singlehood: usually an irritating habit, a tendency to walow in self-pity, or a penchant for Taylor Swift songs.
by Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor
“At first, she seemed pretty cool. We went on a date at Olive Garden. She talked the entire time about how she wasn’t as pretty as the popular girls. I should have seen the warning signs.” So began the courtship between soon-to-be singer/songwriter Taylor Swift and her high school classmate, “Mike.” Three years later, Mike would regret that fateful Olive Garden evening as he entered his apartment to find “You Belong With Me” written in goat blood on the wall of his kitchen.
Mike has recently filed a restraining order against the famed Swift, who has allegedly bombarded him with unwelcome midnight serenades, as well as thousands upon thousands of voicemails recording nothing but the sound of Swift crying. “Ever since she found out my new girlfriend doesn’t like Johnny Cash, she’s been threatening her, too. She keeps insisting that I stop being attracted to my girlfriend and start finding her quirkiness attractive. And when I say ‘quirkiness,’ I mean ‘showing up to prom in a wedding dress and glaring at my date the entire time.’”
Swift’s quirkiness, her lawyers say, may actually be symptomatic of a common but deadly mental disease: GNDS, or Girl/Guy Next Door Syndrome. Studies have shown that millions of Americans suffer from GNDS, which causes sufferers to attribute their lack of significant other to imaginary persecution by cheerleaders, quarterbacks, or other conventionally successful people- no matter how much the GNDS sufferer resembles those people. This often causing them to overlook the true cause of their singlehood: usually an irritating habit, a tendency to walow in self-pity, or a penchant for Taylor Swift songs.
Anti-Semites on Campus by Nick Garafola
I am puzzled and saddened that the resident who was supposed to be moving into my
building is no longer at Denison. I do not know the full details of this story, and I
will not assume them, because I was not present at the time of this issue. However, I am
aware of several details: I had messaged him, asking him when he'd be moving in (and
why), and he replied that he no longer felt safe at Denison because his roommate and
others had threatened him because he is Jewish.
Because he is JEWISH? This is 2010, is it not? I honestly cannot believe that there are
STILL human beings still bitching and moaning because they can't sleep, knowing that they
live next a to a "Jew"...at DENISON of all places... I ask you, do you feel that these
actions are acceptable? Flood my inbox with your opinions, because I want to know.
Obviously, this issue needs to be publicized...not merely related via gossip, and
certainly NOT swept under the rug by Doane Academy, nor anybody else. Where was the
"campus climate watch" alert this time? We have to ask ourselves, do we really want to
put our names on this? Is this the type of community in which we really want to live?
Obviously, some things need to change, unless Denison is OK with losing students who no
longer feel safe on campus. I urge everybody, including students, faculty, and staff, to
question whether or not they will put up with this. Make it a public discussion, because
everybody loses if nobody says anything.
Nick Garafola
Class of 2013
garafo_n1//7427
building is no longer at Denison. I do not know the full details of this story, and I
will not assume them, because I was not present at the time of this issue. However, I am
aware of several details: I had messaged him, asking him when he'd be moving in (and
why), and he replied that he no longer felt safe at Denison because his roommate and
others had threatened him because he is Jewish.
Because he is JEWISH? This is 2010, is it not? I honestly cannot believe that there are
STILL human beings still bitching and moaning because they can't sleep, knowing that they
live next a to a "Jew"...at DENISON of all places... I ask you, do you feel that these
actions are acceptable? Flood my inbox with your opinions, because I want to know.
Obviously, this issue needs to be publicized...not merely related via gossip, and
certainly NOT swept under the rug by Doane Academy, nor anybody else. Where was the
"campus climate watch" alert this time? We have to ask ourselves, do we really want to
put our names on this? Is this the type of community in which we really want to live?
Obviously, some things need to change, unless Denison is OK with losing students who no
longer feel safe on campus. I urge everybody, including students, faculty, and staff, to
question whether or not they will put up with this. Make it a public discussion, because
everybody loses if nobody says anything.
Nick Garafola
Class of 2013
garafo_n1//7427
Do You Know What Time It Is? by Jono Sarver
Hey Friend-Os!
Do you like to know what time it is? Do you use clocks, watches, cellphones, sundials, the Swasey Bells, length of one's shadow in relation to the day of the year, or any other kind of instrument or device to determine what time it is? Well I do. In fact, most of the developed world does too I believe. In particular, a lot of people here at Camp Denidoo like to know what time it is... for instance, the professor of my 8:30 philosophy lecture.
Well homies, let me tell (read: bore) you with (what probably is not) a captivating, titillating, enthralling, and exciting story from my life. A few mornings ago I was awakened by my cellphone's alarm. I reached over my bed and turned it off, but before I had time to actually dismount my bed who's height rivals that of Mt. Everest, Giant Sequoia trees, the Petronas Towers, some buildings in Dubai, Lebron James, and several other really fucking tall things, I fell back into a moderately deep sleep. I awoke 50 minutes later to realize that it was already 8:40 AM. "Well, fuck me softly with a chainsaw!" I thought as I not-so-quickly dawned the same clothes I had worn the day before -- minus the tye-dye bandana, used to cover the copious amounts of grease in my hair -- and began my oh-so-speedy amble to class.
Now fast forward a few days. Again, I'm headed to my morning nod-session. This time however, I'm pretty confident I'm on time for class. I walk out of Shep, turn towards Huffty-Duffty, climb the set of stairs, choose to go left at the railing past East, look up at the Huffman clock and... "HOLY-FUCKING-BALLS-OF-LANCE-ARMSTRONG! Its already 9:mudda-fuckin'10!" I was late again! How could this happen? Quickly I turned to the bloke next to me and explained that he, "better move like shit through a goose, hombre, and get yo-self to classizzle!" I mounted my "imaginary horse" with expeditious haste and took off to class at a somewhat embarrassing pace. I arrived at Knapp and began flying (not really, my horse ain't no freakin' Pegasus!) up the stairs. As I passed the 2nd floor landing I checked my phone to see how late I was running and what kind of excuse I could formulate which would explain a sufficiently tardiness. Well, guess what Denisonians!? My phone told me it was in fact only 8:15. I had been duped! Fooled! Tricked! Bamboozled! Hornswaggled! The wool had been pooled over my eyes! The clock which sits so majestically upon Huff-daddy was WRONG!
Well thanks for reading everyone. Have a time-accurate day!
Jono "The Bomb-dot-com" Sarver
P.S. For a fee of only $21947.99, each of you can join The Association and help me to reset this damn clock! (In no way should this comment be considered a jab at my good friend H.B. Augustine)
Do you like to know what time it is? Do you use clocks, watches, cellphones, sundials, the Swasey Bells, length of one's shadow in relation to the day of the year, or any other kind of instrument or device to determine what time it is? Well I do. In fact, most of the developed world does too I believe. In particular, a lot of people here at Camp Denidoo like to know what time it is... for instance, the professor of my 8:30 philosophy lecture.
Well homies, let me tell (read: bore) you with (what probably is not) a captivating, titillating, enthralling, and exciting story from my life. A few mornings ago I was awakened by my cellphone's alarm. I reached over my bed and turned it off, but before I had time to actually dismount my bed who's height rivals that of Mt. Everest, Giant Sequoia trees, the Petronas Towers, some buildings in Dubai, Lebron James, and several other really fucking tall things, I fell back into a moderately deep sleep. I awoke 50 minutes later to realize that it was already 8:40 AM. "Well, fuck me softly with a chainsaw!" I thought as I not-so-quickly dawned the same clothes I had worn the day before -- minus the tye-dye bandana, used to cover the copious amounts of grease in my hair -- and began my oh-so-speedy amble to class.
Now fast forward a few days. Again, I'm headed to my morning nod-session. This time however, I'm pretty confident I'm on time for class. I walk out of Shep, turn towards Huffty-Duffty, climb the set of stairs, choose to go left at the railing past East, look up at the Huffman clock and... "HOLY-FUCKING-BALLS-OF-LANCE-ARMSTRONG! Its already 9:mudda-fuckin'10!" I was late again! How could this happen? Quickly I turned to the bloke next to me and explained that he, "better move like shit through a goose, hombre, and get yo-self to classizzle!" I mounted my "imaginary horse" with expeditious haste and took off to class at a somewhat embarrassing pace. I arrived at Knapp and began flying (not really, my horse ain't no freakin' Pegasus!) up the stairs. As I passed the 2nd floor landing I checked my phone to see how late I was running and what kind of excuse I could formulate which would explain a sufficiently tardiness. Well, guess what Denisonians!? My phone told me it was in fact only 8:15. I had been duped! Fooled! Tricked! Bamboozled! Hornswaggled! The wool had been pooled over my eyes! The clock which sits so majestically upon Huff-daddy was WRONG!
Well thanks for reading everyone. Have a time-accurate day!
Jono "The Bomb-dot-com" Sarver
P.S. For a fee of only $21947.99, each of you can join The Association and help me to reset this damn clock! (In no way should this comment be considered a jab at my good friend H.B. Augustine)
International Students by Slayter Box 8022
“Two changes will take effect beginning with the 2010-11 academic year:
1. Denison need-based funding for off-campus study will no longer be made available for full year programs. It will be provided for just one semester.
2. Providing an international study opportunity to students of need is primary to our financial aid commitment to off campus study programs. Because this opportunity is effectively already being fulfilled for international students through their four year program on the Denison campus, international students no longer will be eligible to receive Denison funding for an off-campus study program in addition to their Denison experience…
These steps are necessary to enable us to continue to provide need-based aid to a growing number of eligible students wanting to enroll in off-campus study programs. Though this letter is undoubtedly disappointing, I hope you understand the necessity for these changes…”
Now. Let’s consider the problems in this little missive here, shall we? For some strange reason, NEED-BASED financial aid is being cut off…for INTERNATIONAL students, the yearly income of some of whose families’ is less than $10,000…And Denison believes this to be completely and utterly sane/reasonable. Let’s attempt to integrate ourselves into this utterly rational and comprehensive mindset, shall we?
Denison University is a university which strives for diversity and equality for the sake of all of its students! Therefore, differences in class, nationality, religion, race, sexuality, and ethnicity shall be treated in the spirit of the liberal arts education, which Denison trumpets about at every opportunity! The liberal arts philosophy and way of thinking is what attracts our staff and faculty to the proud title of Denisonian!...Pause, stop, rewind. The letter targets specifically international students, even if the intention was not such; every one can see this if they bother to actually read the thing. None of the Professors were aware of the decision until it actually came out and distressed students/advisees began their attempts at imitating Dobby’s hairstyle (started tearing at their hair in frustration).
Denison University is already meeting the needs of international students’…international experience by allowing them the privilege of being part of the Granville, Ohio experience! The ultimate in international experiences! Therefore, their financial needs are met in that regard, and we can not sponsor yet another off-campus gallivant!...Pause, stop, rewind. Nothing against Granville (goodness knows it’s not the worst place for an academic experience), but how is a semester in Philadelphia, or Washington DC, or in any other American city/state any more or less international than Denison? Honestly, there is something fundamentally wrong with that thought. And, once again, nothing against American students, but don’t they get financial aid/scholarships from Denison as well? And, from what humble little ‘ole me understands, theirs will transfer to a semester of an “international” experience…even if that experience is in Philadelphia/Washington DC/Any Other American City/State You Can Think Of…
We are looking to admit as many students as our already filled-up buildings can take, including luring in even more internationals…since in the last two years we’ve had more of the latter than ever before! And, of course, we are sure that this blatant targeting of their needs and interests will not result in the direct opposite of this little venture and turn people away! Because people understand, right? They understand that we are in a financial crisis and therefore can’t be expected to meet the needs of EVERY single person, right?...Pause, stop, rewind. “These steps are necessary to enable us to continue to provide need-based aid to a growing number of eligible students wanting to enroll…” And I stop there, because honestly, with glaring separations like this, not only will international students be unwilling to sign up for an off-campus experience, but they will be unwilling to sign up for Denison at all. Goodness knows I would have been had I known about this earlier.
Where is everything that you promised us, Denison? Where is the equality and celebration of diversity you were ranting and raving about? We did not sign up for this. We did not go through the long and stressful process of applications and essays and recommendation letters to have this sprung on us. And, as much as we try to, we can not follow your…logic, if I may be so bold as to call it such. How can you explain this to us, Denison?
8022
1. Denison need-based funding for off-campus study will no longer be made available for full year programs. It will be provided for just one semester.
2. Providing an international study opportunity to students of need is primary to our financial aid commitment to off campus study programs. Because this opportunity is effectively already being fulfilled for international students through their four year program on the Denison campus, international students no longer will be eligible to receive Denison funding for an off-campus study program in addition to their Denison experience…
These steps are necessary to enable us to continue to provide need-based aid to a growing number of eligible students wanting to enroll in off-campus study programs. Though this letter is undoubtedly disappointing, I hope you understand the necessity for these changes…”
Now. Let’s consider the problems in this little missive here, shall we? For some strange reason, NEED-BASED financial aid is being cut off…for INTERNATIONAL students, the yearly income of some of whose families’ is less than $10,000…And Denison believes this to be completely and utterly sane/reasonable. Let’s attempt to integrate ourselves into this utterly rational and comprehensive mindset, shall we?
Denison University is a university which strives for diversity and equality for the sake of all of its students! Therefore, differences in class, nationality, religion, race, sexuality, and ethnicity shall be treated in the spirit of the liberal arts education, which Denison trumpets about at every opportunity! The liberal arts philosophy and way of thinking is what attracts our staff and faculty to the proud title of Denisonian!...Pause, stop, rewind. The letter targets specifically international students, even if the intention was not such; every one can see this if they bother to actually read the thing. None of the Professors were aware of the decision until it actually came out and distressed students/advisees began their attempts at imitating Dobby’s hairstyle (started tearing at their hair in frustration).
Denison University is already meeting the needs of international students’…international experience by allowing them the privilege of being part of the Granville, Ohio experience! The ultimate in international experiences! Therefore, their financial needs are met in that regard, and we can not sponsor yet another off-campus gallivant!...Pause, stop, rewind. Nothing against Granville (goodness knows it’s not the worst place for an academic experience), but how is a semester in Philadelphia, or Washington DC, or in any other American city/state any more or less international than Denison? Honestly, there is something fundamentally wrong with that thought. And, once again, nothing against American students, but don’t they get financial aid/scholarships from Denison as well? And, from what humble little ‘ole me understands, theirs will transfer to a semester of an “international” experience…even if that experience is in Philadelphia/Washington DC/Any Other American City/State You Can Think Of…
We are looking to admit as many students as our already filled-up buildings can take, including luring in even more internationals…since in the last two years we’ve had more of the latter than ever before! And, of course, we are sure that this blatant targeting of their needs and interests will not result in the direct opposite of this little venture and turn people away! Because people understand, right? They understand that we are in a financial crisis and therefore can’t be expected to meet the needs of EVERY single person, right?...Pause, stop, rewind. “These steps are necessary to enable us to continue to provide need-based aid to a growing number of eligible students wanting to enroll…” And I stop there, because honestly, with glaring separations like this, not only will international students be unwilling to sign up for an off-campus experience, but they will be unwilling to sign up for Denison at all. Goodness knows I would have been had I known about this earlier.
Where is everything that you promised us, Denison? Where is the equality and celebration of diversity you were ranting and raving about? We did not sign up for this. We did not go through the long and stressful process of applications and essays and recommendation letters to have this sprung on us. And, as much as we try to, we can not follow your…logic, if I may be so bold as to call it such. How can you explain this to us, Denison?
8022
The Powers That Be by Slayter Box 7160
Dear The Denison Powers That Be That Have Screwed Over Many Students This Past Week,
I would like to draw your attention to your recently released letter, which states:
“Two changes will take effect beginning with the 2010-11 academic year:
1. Denison need-based funding for off-campus study will no longer be made available for full year programs. It will be provided for just one semester.
2. Providing an international study opportunity to students of need is primary to our financial aid commitment to off campus study programs. Because this opportunity is effectively already being fulfilled for international students through their four year program on the Denison campus, international students no longer will be eligible to receive Denison funding for an off-campus study program in addition to their Denison experience.”
Now, read the non-discrimination policy that your forbearers, in their academic and institutional integrity, have laid out for you to follow:
“Denison University does not engage in discrimination in its educational, student life, and employment policies against students, employees, or prospective employees, on the basis of race, color, religion, ethnic or national origin, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, or veteran status.”
So…international students have been barred from the opportunity to receive financial aid to go abroad. This sounds like they are being discriminated against because of their national origin. Naughty, naughty Denison Powers That Be.
They sign up to go to a school where they are informed they will be treated THE SAME as every other student on campus and then, oh, whoops, nope, nevermind…they are “special” and “different”!!! They have added diversity to this school by having graduated from a high school in another country (which you can brag about to prospective students without mentioning the way you’ve treated them) so now you are going to screw them over and not let them study abroad. I bet they feel so accepted, so much a part of this “community” everyone keeps blathering on about. And, really, really, you just had to wait until the week after the MLK “Celebrating Community” events because the timing was just too sweet, too perfect, to see the dreams and sense of acceptance crumble right after everyone on campus talks about the possibility (slim as it may be) of being better stewards of campus inclusion and consideration.
And do you really think you can attempt to act like a weasel and shimmy your way out of a lawsuit because this is a “financial” policy, not an educational one? Because, as we all know, studying off-campus is all about the EDUCATIONAL and STUDENT LIFE opportunities and this opportunity is not available to someone if they don’t have the money to pay for it. It’s all about the money, guys. And you totally knew that, attempting to logic your way out of this by prefacing your blatantly discriminatory move with the idea that international students have already had the experience of studying abroad…by studying at Denison…so they don’t need to go study somewhere that will enhance their educational experience with a different cultural and educational perspective from the one they will receive here as they have already taken college classes elsewhere, right? What’s that? NO! oh, well then…guess they’re just SOL.
And what about all those American students who have also been lied to? Did you not promise all of them and their families that their financial aid would transfer to off-campus programs in order to rope them all into coming to Granville, OH, tiny town (yes, cute, but still…exciting much? nope, not at all) USA? Oh, but you forgot to mention the fact that once they sign on the dotted line and sweat and panic over their multipart proposal, you are just gonna tell them you will only cover the first semester. I bet you think they should feel happy, privledged even because they are not one of those poor international students who just gets nothing. They should feel lucky, right? WRONG! Sure, one semester will get covered but that does not mitigate the fact that you broke a promise, a soft contract so to speak. And you broke it AFTER everyone has applied to their programs, be it for a year or a semester, so changing plans now that the financials have changed is ridiculously difficult and basically falls to an option: Pay Up or Don’t Go. But, they shouldn’t be angry. Oh no, not at all.
So, Denison Powers That Be, what else will you do to salvage this budget crisis once you get sued? Or what about the fact that this money was already appropriated to these students when they signed the dotted line accepting a 4-year aid plan in exchange for coming to Denison? If they don’t go abroad since you’ve screwed them over and you can’t steal that money from their hands anymore, are you going to start dipping into everyone else’s aid instead? Or will you take it from these screwed over students anyway, since they were planning on leaving campus and you can try to weasel a claim the money isn’t theirs anymore? At least then you won’t piss off somebody whose parents speak English, are in a time zone when they can call and yell at you, and can hire that big, expensive lawyer to stop this all from happening. But, heck, you’ve already shown you don’t care about the consequences to the students anyway, so why not just take all our aid away to fund this school? Oh, wait, then there will be no students and the school disappears; but, problem solved, no more financial difficulties!
Thanks, Denison Powers That Be, for being so considerate of your students, ALL of your students. Next time, though, make sure to read your own recorded policy before attempting to “salvage” the budget through discrimination and dream-shattering. Unless you really, really enjoy screwing over and pissing off the people who are PAYING to go here and the alums who went here and give you endowment money. And when this plan backfires in so many ways and you have to go back to the drawing board, please remember the clients of this school aka the students and the promises you gave them.
~7160
I would like to draw your attention to your recently released letter, which states:
“Two changes will take effect beginning with the 2010-11 academic year:
1. Denison need-based funding for off-campus study will no longer be made available for full year programs. It will be provided for just one semester.
2. Providing an international study opportunity to students of need is primary to our financial aid commitment to off campus study programs. Because this opportunity is effectively already being fulfilled for international students through their four year program on the Denison campus, international students no longer will be eligible to receive Denison funding for an off-campus study program in addition to their Denison experience.”
Now, read the non-discrimination policy that your forbearers, in their academic and institutional integrity, have laid out for you to follow:
“Denison University does not engage in discrimination in its educational, student life, and employment policies against students, employees, or prospective employees, on the basis of race, color, religion, ethnic or national origin, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, or veteran status.”
So…international students have been barred from the opportunity to receive financial aid to go abroad. This sounds like they are being discriminated against because of their national origin. Naughty, naughty Denison Powers That Be.
They sign up to go to a school where they are informed they will be treated THE SAME as every other student on campus and then, oh, whoops, nope, nevermind…they are “special” and “different”!!! They have added diversity to this school by having graduated from a high school in another country (which you can brag about to prospective students without mentioning the way you’ve treated them) so now you are going to screw them over and not let them study abroad. I bet they feel so accepted, so much a part of this “community” everyone keeps blathering on about. And, really, really, you just had to wait until the week after the MLK “Celebrating Community” events because the timing was just too sweet, too perfect, to see the dreams and sense of acceptance crumble right after everyone on campus talks about the possibility (slim as it may be) of being better stewards of campus inclusion and consideration.
And do you really think you can attempt to act like a weasel and shimmy your way out of a lawsuit because this is a “financial” policy, not an educational one? Because, as we all know, studying off-campus is all about the EDUCATIONAL and STUDENT LIFE opportunities and this opportunity is not available to someone if they don’t have the money to pay for it. It’s all about the money, guys. And you totally knew that, attempting to logic your way out of this by prefacing your blatantly discriminatory move with the idea that international students have already had the experience of studying abroad…by studying at Denison…so they don’t need to go study somewhere that will enhance their educational experience with a different cultural and educational perspective from the one they will receive here as they have already taken college classes elsewhere, right? What’s that? NO! oh, well then…guess they’re just SOL.
And what about all those American students who have also been lied to? Did you not promise all of them and their families that their financial aid would transfer to off-campus programs in order to rope them all into coming to Granville, OH, tiny town (yes, cute, but still…exciting much? nope, not at all) USA? Oh, but you forgot to mention the fact that once they sign on the dotted line and sweat and panic over their multipart proposal, you are just gonna tell them you will only cover the first semester. I bet you think they should feel happy, privledged even because they are not one of those poor international students who just gets nothing. They should feel lucky, right? WRONG! Sure, one semester will get covered but that does not mitigate the fact that you broke a promise, a soft contract so to speak. And you broke it AFTER everyone has applied to their programs, be it for a year or a semester, so changing plans now that the financials have changed is ridiculously difficult and basically falls to an option: Pay Up or Don’t Go. But, they shouldn’t be angry. Oh no, not at all.
So, Denison Powers That Be, what else will you do to salvage this budget crisis once you get sued? Or what about the fact that this money was already appropriated to these students when they signed the dotted line accepting a 4-year aid plan in exchange for coming to Denison? If they don’t go abroad since you’ve screwed them over and you can’t steal that money from their hands anymore, are you going to start dipping into everyone else’s aid instead? Or will you take it from these screwed over students anyway, since they were planning on leaving campus and you can try to weasel a claim the money isn’t theirs anymore? At least then you won’t piss off somebody whose parents speak English, are in a time zone when they can call and yell at you, and can hire that big, expensive lawyer to stop this all from happening. But, heck, you’ve already shown you don’t care about the consequences to the students anyway, so why not just take all our aid away to fund this school? Oh, wait, then there will be no students and the school disappears; but, problem solved, no more financial difficulties!
Thanks, Denison Powers That Be, for being so considerate of your students, ALL of your students. Next time, though, make sure to read your own recorded policy before attempting to “salvage” the budget through discrimination and dream-shattering. Unless you really, really enjoy screwing over and pissing off the people who are PAYING to go here and the alums who went here and give you endowment money. And when this plan backfires in so many ways and you have to go back to the drawing board, please remember the clients of this school aka the students and the promises you gave them.
~7160
Tammy Waters by Everett Daily
Hello Denison community,
For those of you who do not know, which I am sure is well over 50% of Denison’s campus, facility services (phys. plant) lost a wonderful, joyful, humorous, beautiful woman by the name of Tammy Waters. Tammy Waters passed away after a car accident about 3 weeks ago. She had been working for Denison University since the ‘90s. She, along with Diane, was the house keeper in the Brownstone apartments and Curtis East. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I am pretty sure that Denison University did not make the campus aware of the death of Tammy Waters. Last year, a Denison professor died and we all received emails about his death, his family, and funeral arrangements, as well as a memorial that would be held for him and that was over Christmas break. Why is it that Denison did not do the same for Tammy? The LEAST that Denison could have done was to let our “community” know that she passed away and provided us with the funeral arrangements. I had the pleasure of working with Tammy and all of the other facility services employees and I am upset that I did not know about Tammy and I wanted to attend her funeral. However, I guess because she is not a professor or someone who Denison deems as significant, her life is not as valuable as the next. Housekeepers aren’t worth a damn email apparently. But I guess Denison assumed that no one would care seeing that the same attitude is reflected in most, not all, Denison students. There are students on Denison’s campus who treat the people who make sure that they have clean bathrooms, clean hallways, a clean campus, lofted beds, working lights, working air/heat, clean carpets, clean rooms (yes they clean EVERY SINGLE ROOM right before you move in for fall semester and some rooms several times because of summer programs that utilize the dorms), fixed doors, clean blinds, clean kitchens, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. like they are beneath them. MOST students never even open their mouths to say hi. People seem to think that since they are only “maids” and “janitors” they don’t deserve to be treated with respect. Since it’s their job, they do not need a thank you. It is not their job to clean urine out of the hallway carpet. It is not their job to clean feces out of the showers and out of the sinks. It is not their job to clean up disrespect and filth. Way to put a price on life Denison, way to encourage your Denisonians. Diversity right?
P.S.- To the R.A. on the 4th floor of Shorney by the elevator and Dan Fosselman whom was quoted on the R.A.’s bulletin board: Two people in a room does not equal diversity, that equals difference and a terrible excuse for diversity. If my brother and I are standing in a room, there would not be any religious, cultural, or social diversity. We would just be different. Diversity is bigger than difference.
Everett D- daily_e@denison.edu
For those of you who do not know, which I am sure is well over 50% of Denison’s campus, facility services (phys. plant) lost a wonderful, joyful, humorous, beautiful woman by the name of Tammy Waters. Tammy Waters passed away after a car accident about 3 weeks ago. She had been working for Denison University since the ‘90s. She, along with Diane, was the house keeper in the Brownstone apartments and Curtis East. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I am pretty sure that Denison University did not make the campus aware of the death of Tammy Waters. Last year, a Denison professor died and we all received emails about his death, his family, and funeral arrangements, as well as a memorial that would be held for him and that was over Christmas break. Why is it that Denison did not do the same for Tammy? The LEAST that Denison could have done was to let our “community” know that she passed away and provided us with the funeral arrangements. I had the pleasure of working with Tammy and all of the other facility services employees and I am upset that I did not know about Tammy and I wanted to attend her funeral. However, I guess because she is not a professor or someone who Denison deems as significant, her life is not as valuable as the next. Housekeepers aren’t worth a damn email apparently. But I guess Denison assumed that no one would care seeing that the same attitude is reflected in most, not all, Denison students. There are students on Denison’s campus who treat the people who make sure that they have clean bathrooms, clean hallways, a clean campus, lofted beds, working lights, working air/heat, clean carpets, clean rooms (yes they clean EVERY SINGLE ROOM right before you move in for fall semester and some rooms several times because of summer programs that utilize the dorms), fixed doors, clean blinds, clean kitchens, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. like they are beneath them. MOST students never even open their mouths to say hi. People seem to think that since they are only “maids” and “janitors” they don’t deserve to be treated with respect. Since it’s their job, they do not need a thank you. It is not their job to clean urine out of the hallway carpet. It is not their job to clean feces out of the showers and out of the sinks. It is not their job to clean up disrespect and filth. Way to put a price on life Denison, way to encourage your Denisonians. Diversity right?
P.S.- To the R.A. on the 4th floor of Shorney by the elevator and Dan Fosselman whom was quoted on the R.A.’s bulletin board: Two people in a room does not equal diversity, that equals difference and a terrible excuse for diversity. If my brother and I are standing in a room, there would not be any religious, cultural, or social diversity. We would just be different. Diversity is bigger than difference.
Everett D- daily_e@denison.edu
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