Rob and Taylor’s “Holiday” List
(We really mean Christmas, but we provided you with 8 items if you choose to celebrate other holidays)
1. Stephen Hawking Wheelchair – Why would you have the Stephen Hawking Wheelchair if you are able bodied? Well you wouldn’t need it then. But, if you are too drunk and stoned to stand or even talk, then the Steven Hawking Wheelchair would provide you with normal communicative and transportation skills in your fucked up state, allowing you to attend class or other events without facing scrutiny from your peers.
2. Chad Ochocinco condoms* – “Catches everything your Johnson shoots!” This is an actual quote from the package.
3. Compilation of tits from childhood movies – Guys, remember the first pair of cans you ever saw? You know, maybe your mom didn’t know there was nudity in a movie, or one of your childhood bros’ older brother had some wisdom to pass down to you, wink wink. Well, how would you like to own every scene from these various movies, such as “American Pie”, “Titanic”, “Revenge or the Nerds” or for you freshmen “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”.
4. Gift certificate to a “bomb ass burger joint” – Like our hero Ray J, what’s a classier place to take five dime pieces (or one Kennedy fifty cent piece worth of bitches) than a “bomb ass burger joint?” And what is sexier than bomb ass burgers?
5. Baracksketball* – A basketball with a picture of Barack Obama. How to play Baracksketball: One person is the Barack and the rest of the players are the campaign aides. The campaign aides have to let the Barack win every time.
6. Tiger Woods Driving 2010 – a new game release from EA Sports, where the goal of the game is to outdrive Tiger Woods… in a car… racing away from his wife.
7. Bro Jersey* – There’s nothing finer than receiving a brand new bro jersey. Bro Jersey – a button down shirt that bros wear when they want to score, which is all the time.
8. Friends* – Just like every year, we ask for friends and we still don’t have any.
*These are actual products available at any common store
Love,
Rob and Taylor
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Terrorists are Wearing Suits by Colin Murphy
The Terrorists are Wearing Suits
While we “recover” from this “financial crisis” that is ostensibly “nobody’s fault”, the number of lies hiding between quotation marks is rising. As bankers and CEOs such as Lloyd Bankfein of Goldman Sachs testify in front of the Senate that they are merely doing God’s work in essentially running the economy, it seems that they plan on getting away with raping and pillaging the coffers of both the public and private sectors without a second thought. Even their recent insistence that any new taxes on banks that took bailout money would just be passed along to customers speaks of a corporate mindset that puts exploitation of the powerless consumer above any responsibility to the taxpayers whose money they are currently spending; yes, we all share the joy of contributing to the current spree of banking bonuses, as a large part of their windfall profits have come from their relatively newfound ability to borrow money at practically 0% interest from the Fed.
It is at this point that hard line Republicans and Libertarians should be throwing their hands up in disgust, for we no longer have the much vaunted ‘free market’ but instead a government-subsidized monopoly, the worst aspects of socialism and capitalism blended into an awful form of financial oligarchy. The big banks are both dining on government bailouts and taking all the risk they like with that essentially free money from the Fed. And the business practices of the most successful “banks” are the most despicable, as evidenced by the unholy kings of the race to the ethical bottom, Goldman Sachs, who employ abhorrently amoral techniques such as high frequency trading to enjoy record breaking profits in the midst of this “Great Recession.”
We are a nation that remains paralyzed in fear of terrorists without, yet it is the well dressed terrorists within that are causing far more untold wanton destruction. I tell you this not because I believe that we have the power to change the course our nation is on – with banks having essentially unlimited funds from the Fed and the Fed being an autonomous, unelected governmental institution, we have been systematically stripped of our power both as consumers and taxpayers. But this is still our fault for preferring to fight over easily digestible issues that could be packaged into convenient sound bites instead of grappling with corporate creep.
While we fought an imaginary culture war, they had already won the fight to control the engines that powered the economy and abused them to fuel their own profits. In our hope for change we elected an inexperienced corporatist to preside over his fellow shills in Washington, and now we are reaping the spoils of those empty promises. We rewarded those who wrecked the worldwide economy with more money, and the stage is set for the cycle to begin anew.
-Colin “blame me, I voted Democrat” Murphy, Slayter Box 8220
While we “recover” from this “financial crisis” that is ostensibly “nobody’s fault”, the number of lies hiding between quotation marks is rising. As bankers and CEOs such as Lloyd Bankfein of Goldman Sachs testify in front of the Senate that they are merely doing God’s work in essentially running the economy, it seems that they plan on getting away with raping and pillaging the coffers of both the public and private sectors without a second thought. Even their recent insistence that any new taxes on banks that took bailout money would just be passed along to customers speaks of a corporate mindset that puts exploitation of the powerless consumer above any responsibility to the taxpayers whose money they are currently spending; yes, we all share the joy of contributing to the current spree of banking bonuses, as a large part of their windfall profits have come from their relatively newfound ability to borrow money at practically 0% interest from the Fed.
It is at this point that hard line Republicans and Libertarians should be throwing their hands up in disgust, for we no longer have the much vaunted ‘free market’ but instead a government-subsidized monopoly, the worst aspects of socialism and capitalism blended into an awful form of financial oligarchy. The big banks are both dining on government bailouts and taking all the risk they like with that essentially free money from the Fed. And the business practices of the most successful “banks” are the most despicable, as evidenced by the unholy kings of the race to the ethical bottom, Goldman Sachs, who employ abhorrently amoral techniques such as high frequency trading to enjoy record breaking profits in the midst of this “Great Recession.”
We are a nation that remains paralyzed in fear of terrorists without, yet it is the well dressed terrorists within that are causing far more untold wanton destruction. I tell you this not because I believe that we have the power to change the course our nation is on – with banks having essentially unlimited funds from the Fed and the Fed being an autonomous, unelected governmental institution, we have been systematically stripped of our power both as consumers and taxpayers. But this is still our fault for preferring to fight over easily digestible issues that could be packaged into convenient sound bites instead of grappling with corporate creep.
While we fought an imaginary culture war, they had already won the fight to control the engines that powered the economy and abused them to fuel their own profits. In our hope for change we elected an inexperienced corporatist to preside over his fellow shills in Washington, and now we are reaping the spoils of those empty promises. We rewarded those who wrecked the worldwide economy with more money, and the stage is set for the cycle to begin anew.
-Colin “blame me, I voted Democrat” Murphy, Slayter Box 8220
In Defense of Cinema by J.M. Wagner
I just wanted to take a minute to express my growing frustration, disappointment and
embarrassment at how people at this school - and, of course, people in the broader
community - really have no idea what it means to study Cinema. And that includes those
who have legitimately studied in other artistic fields.
I think everyone I know in the department has had an experience where they've told
someone they're a Cinema major, and the response has been, like, "Oh... so you want to be
the next Michael Bay?" And, really, that might almost be an acceptable response... maybe
from someone who was in a really bad skiing accident or something. Frankly, who doesn't
want to be Michael Bay? (Answer: ultimately, probably Michael Bay.)
But being a girl in the Cinema department is even worse. At least a boy gets to be the
director in this delusion. 9 times out of 10 when I tell someone I'm a Cinema major, the
response is: "Oh, so you want to be an actress?"
I still don't even know how to respond to that. It's not that I think there's anything
wrong with being an actress or studying to be one. It just genuinely has absolutely
nothing to do with what I'm doing in the Cinema department. Here's a fictional short
scene I wrote to try to put it in perspective:
Student: My major is Marine Biology.
Possibly a Stroke victim: Oh, so you want to be a sailboat?
The truth is, I might see a sailboat. I might use a sailboat. I might read about a
sailboat? But do I want to be a sailboat... Let me get back to you after grad school.
That's actually the better of two situations. Because that type of person obviously just
has no idea what I'm talking about. At all. There is always another type of person who
asks me if I want to be an actress, but does it in a tone that is remarkably
condescending. Not only does this person think he knows what he's talking about - but he
thinks that I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's an equivalent dramatization:
Student: My major is Marine Biology.
Asshole: Oh... so you want to work at Petsmart?
Yes. That's what I want to do with my 6-12 years of higher education. I want to inventory
green plastic tank nets at Petsmart. (Dear cinema majors: there may be a good chance this
is what you're going to do with your 6-12 years of higher education.)
Our culture is so constantly overrun with visual imagery that people come to believe that
this stuff happens on its own. I'm sure you could shoot a video on your cellphone that's
going to appear to be better quality than some of the work I've seen (read: done) in the
Cinema department. But there is so much that goes in to creating Cinema and to studying
Cinema that people refuse to take into consideration. Tri Delts, I know you really felt
like you were in that courtroom with Elle Woods in 2001, but do you know how much work
went into to creating that courtroom? To giving you that feeling?
I think there's sort of this myth about the way the film industry works that is beyond
simplification. You might think that Bradley Cooper gets up in the morning, shits DVDs
and then sells them to you over Amazon.com*. In reality, there's a little more to the
process. You have to eat a lot of Chipotle before you're going to shit a gem like All
About Steve.
Um... I don't know if I had a point I was trying to make here. Just, uh, don't be stupid.
I don't come over to the English department and ask you if you want to be a Xerox machine.
* I'm pretty sure Tyler Perry is the only person in history to successfully employ this
method of filmmaking.
Thx.
embarrassment at how people at this school - and, of course, people in the broader
community - really have no idea what it means to study Cinema. And that includes those
who have legitimately studied in other artistic fields.
I think everyone I know in the department has had an experience where they've told
someone they're a Cinema major, and the response has been, like, "Oh... so you want to be
the next Michael Bay?" And, really, that might almost be an acceptable response... maybe
from someone who was in a really bad skiing accident or something. Frankly, who doesn't
want to be Michael Bay? (Answer: ultimately, probably Michael Bay.)
But being a girl in the Cinema department is even worse. At least a boy gets to be the
director in this delusion. 9 times out of 10 when I tell someone I'm a Cinema major, the
response is: "Oh, so you want to be an actress?"
I still don't even know how to respond to that. It's not that I think there's anything
wrong with being an actress or studying to be one. It just genuinely has absolutely
nothing to do with what I'm doing in the Cinema department. Here's a fictional short
scene I wrote to try to put it in perspective:
Student: My major is Marine Biology.
Possibly a Stroke victim: Oh, so you want to be a sailboat?
The truth is, I might see a sailboat. I might use a sailboat. I might read about a
sailboat? But do I want to be a sailboat... Let me get back to you after grad school.
That's actually the better of two situations. Because that type of person obviously just
has no idea what I'm talking about. At all. There is always another type of person who
asks me if I want to be an actress, but does it in a tone that is remarkably
condescending. Not only does this person think he knows what he's talking about - but he
thinks that I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's an equivalent dramatization:
Student: My major is Marine Biology.
Asshole: Oh... so you want to work at Petsmart?
Yes. That's what I want to do with my 6-12 years of higher education. I want to inventory
green plastic tank nets at Petsmart. (Dear cinema majors: there may be a good chance this
is what you're going to do with your 6-12 years of higher education.)
Our culture is so constantly overrun with visual imagery that people come to believe that
this stuff happens on its own. I'm sure you could shoot a video on your cellphone that's
going to appear to be better quality than some of the work I've seen (read: done) in the
Cinema department. But there is so much that goes in to creating Cinema and to studying
Cinema that people refuse to take into consideration. Tri Delts, I know you really felt
like you were in that courtroom with Elle Woods in 2001, but do you know how much work
went into to creating that courtroom? To giving you that feeling?
I think there's sort of this myth about the way the film industry works that is beyond
simplification. You might think that Bradley Cooper gets up in the morning, shits DVDs
and then sells them to you over Amazon.com*. In reality, there's a little more to the
process. You have to eat a lot of Chipotle before you're going to shit a gem like All
About Steve.
Um... I don't know if I had a point I was trying to make here. Just, uh, don't be stupid.
I don't come over to the English department and ask you if you want to be a Xerox machine.
* I'm pretty sure Tyler Perry is the only person in history to successfully employ this
method of filmmaking.
Thx.
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