Lovely Ladies

Dear Blacked Out in Lower Elm,

We apologize that your "fuckhole" has been violated, and we understand that you're upset,
but we must regretfully inform you that you are being robbed. If we were attending an
expensive, private Liberal Arts University just to ogle boobs and found ourselves
deprived of them, we too would be irate. In order to cut costs, we recommend staying at
home with mommy and jerking off to porn in the basement. Just imagine! 24 hour access to
the perfect girls for you: the kind with no self esteem or knowledge of your existence!
Plus, this way you don't run the risk of fumbling around for a drunk, flaccid, penis from
beneath your sweaty, flabby, beer-gut and disappointing the lucky lady who is drunk
enough to be having sex with you. Before we read of your crippling dilemma, we were under
the impression that Denison was a prestigious academic institution dedicated to ridding
the world of ignorance. How foolish we were! We too are now deeply concerned about the
future of our University. To think that here we are, studying and leading fulfilling and
independent lives as women, while poor souls like yourself are desperately searching for
a drunken crevice in which to insert their tiny penis...

Will there ever be justice? We can only hope.

Our Deepest Condolences,
Liza Hudock and Samantha Driver

P.S. Before you accuse womens' vaginas of smelling bad, keep in mind that a paunchy boy's
body odor combined with sweat and beer can in fact cause his penis to emit quite a putrid
stench. After all, people say that nasty shit smells like "dick" for a reason.