DBAGS @ Denison??

Denison junior winfield buckington was caught and detained by Denison Security early Tuesday morning for shattering the back door of Shepardson Hall with his fist. McPolo, from Bridgeport Connecticut, is believed to be a member of the elusive Door-Breaking Alliance of Granville (D-BAG), a secret campus organization bent on de-dooring the campus, one portal at a time. So far the D-BAG has claimed responsibility for the shattering of seven doors this semester.

McPolo, a member of D-BAG since the second semester of his freshman year, explained to Denison Security that the door was "talking shit" and "being a fucking pussy." When asked about the nature of the shit-talking, McPolo inquired "Don't you know who my fucking dad is?" Unaware of McPolo's fucking ancestral roots, a Denison Security Guard promptly notified the Granville Police to detain McPolo and conduct a background check. Upon arrival to campus, veteran officer John "Arresting Students on the" Daly arrested and escorted McPolo to the Granville Jail, which apparently actually exists. The officer also wrote McPolo a parking citation for good measure, and later obtained a search warrant for McPolo's six-man in Sawyer. The investigation of the six-man led the officers to find evidence of his D-BAG membership, including a D-BAG handbook.

A complete transcript of the D-BAG handbook is still unavailable at this point because, oddly enough, it was written in Greek. However, a rudimentary translation of the D-BAG handbook's introduction was obtained by the Bullsheet's resident Greek language expert:

"From Shorney to Shannon, from the Homestead to Herrick, Down with glass doors!" reads the introduction, "By smashing doors we shall " The manifesto further explains that their glass-breaking behavior stems from the fact that "there isn't shit to do in Granville" besides destroy communal property. Also depicted in the handbook are photos of boat shoes, expensive cars, and pastel colored collared shirts with upturned collars. It is unclear at this time how these relate to the mission of the D-BAG, though some suspect that upturned-collars and D-BAG membership are closely related.

McPolo is still under investigation by the University, but is expecting to face a life sentence in Granville jail. Denison Vice President of Student Conduct hopes to have McPolo expelled in order to "to clear up some bed space" for a returning student found guilty of domestic abuse last semester.