Surviving Winter

In the latest issue of the Denisonian, there was an article titled “Suriviving the snow: A satire on Ohio weather.” Satire is defined (by dictionary.com) as “the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.” The piece was filled with what seemed to be legitimate advice, under a barely perceptible veil of sarcasm, irony, etc. For example, stocking up on essentials like hot chocolate, as suggested by the article, is precisely what one should do during the winter months. Blankets, jackets, gloves, and snow shoes are winter essentials as well (although the mention of snow shoes is done with a hint of sarcasm). Describing a walk to class gone wrong as “getting stuck in nature” is a bit silly, but not enough for this to be satirical. Also, the ending of the article struck me as sappy and, more than anything else, a bit creepy. “If all else fails, make sure you’re near that special someone seeing how it is Valentine’s season; after all, human contact is nature’s heater.” When I read this sentence, I imagined someone going all Empire Strikes Back on their significant other, ie cutting them open, removing the intestines, and curling up in the stomach/chest cavity for warmth.

But my real point here is that there’s not really much to expose, denounce, or deride when it comes to the weather. It would be hard to satirize something that can’t be changed. That being said, I thought I’d help out by providing the Denison community with a similar Bullsheet guide to surviving winter:


1. Before a snowstorm, pray to Skaði, the Norse goddess of bowhunting, skiing, winter, and mountains. Sacrifice your roommate if they refuse to join you. Skaði doesn’t fuck around.

2. Stock up on the essentials. This should include hot chocolate, blankets, jackets, hats, gloves, Purell, pop tarts, hard candy, bottled water, duct tape, roadside flares, a knife, a compass, bandages, gauze, a Gideon bible, several bags of mulch, a bent playing card, twist ties, bleach, and a month’s worth of Bullsheets.

3. Should the dining halls close due to inclement weather, learn how to forage for food. Follow other people’s footprints through the snow to see where they are getting food from. Know the difference between mold and the delicious and healthy fungus that grows on old food. Carpool with friends who are going to Chipotle, Wendy’s, etc. Or, if you’re desperate, cling to the undercarriage.

3a. When clinging to the undercarriage, dress appropriately. Be prepared for snow, slush, blocks of ice, fallen branches, Licking County Highway Patrol Spike strips, landmines, and coyotes.

4. If all else fails, kill yourself laugh about it. Skaði smiles upon those with a sense of humor. When the other gods killed Þjazi, Skaði’s daughter, the angry snow goddess stormed Asgard and demanded compensation. In her terms of settlement, the notoriously cold Skaði included one stipulation that she believed the gods would be unable to meet: Skaði wanted them to make her laugh. So the Aesir tied Loki’s testicles to the beard of a goat. The goat began to pull stubbornly, causing Loki to scream out in agony. Skaði laughed and laughed, and the gods agreed to honor her lost daughter by throwing Þjazi’s eyes into the heavens, where they became stars.

The moral of all this? Don’t give up! Someday, you might live to see a tug-of-war between a goat and someone’s genitals. Who knows, maybe that someone will be YOU! Believe in yourself!

--Alex Chan, Junior Editor