Newsflash: Taylor Swift’s High School Crush Files Restraining Order by Kaitlyn Grissom

Newsflash: Taylor Swift’s High School Crush Files Restraining Order
by Kaitlyn Grissom
Sophomore Editor

“At first, she seemed pretty cool. We went on a date at Olive Garden. She talked the entire time about how she wasn’t as pretty as the popular girls. I should have seen the warning signs.” So began the courtship between soon-to-be singer/songwriter Taylor Swift and her high school classmate, “Mike.” Three years later, Mike would regret that fateful Olive Garden evening as he entered his apartment to find “You Belong With Me” written in goat blood on the wall of his kitchen.

Mike has recently filed a restraining order against the famed Swift, who has allegedly bombarded him with unwelcome midnight serenades, as well as thousands upon thousands of voicemails recording nothing but the sound of Swift crying. “Ever since she found out my new girlfriend doesn’t like Johnny Cash, she’s been threatening her, too. She keeps insisting that I stop being attracted to my girlfriend and start finding her quirkiness attractive. And when I say ‘quirkiness,’ I mean ‘showing up to prom in a wedding dress and glaring at my date the entire time.’”

Swift’s quirkiness, her lawyers say, may actually be symptomatic of a common but deadly mental disease: GNDS, or Girl/Guy Next Door Syndrome. Studies have shown that millions of Americans suffer from GNDS, which causes sufferers to attribute their lack of significant other to imaginary persecution by cheerleaders, quarterbacks, or other conventionally successful people- no matter how much the GNDS sufferer resembles those people. This often causing them to overlook the true cause of their singlehood: usually an irritating habit, a tendency to walow in self-pity, or a penchant for Taylor Swift songs.