Somebody Likes Animals - Posted by JT

For the sake of not offending anybody by bringing up serious matters, I have written a
short story about a chipmunk, a cat, and a wolverine. The cat's girlfriend introduced
the cat to the chipmunk one day and they got along very well. The cat picked on the
chipmunk from time to time because he found the chipmunk annoying and whiny on occasion,
but never made a move to eat it because he liked the chipmunk and now had several mutual
friends with it. The teenage cat thought his jokes were funny and not harmful in the
least, and the chipmunk made jokes back at the cat as well. The cat liked the chipmunk
enough to choose him as his roommate during their first year of college. The chipmunk
liked the cat enough to choose him back. Ahem... anyway, one day, three years after
having met and befriended the cat, the chipmunk was in a bad mood and decided that the
cat made fun of him because he was a chipmunk, and not because the chipmunk was whiny.
He thought, in his moment of insecurity, that the cat that he had known for three years
was making species...ist comments and was discriminating against all chipmunks and not
just him. The chipmunk, rather than talking it out with the cat, went to the wolverine
to tell of his dilemma. Upon hearing that a poor innocent chipmunk was being made fun of
by a cat, the wolverine assumed that the cat made fun of the chipmunk because he thought
himself superior and hated chipmunks. The wolverine, being the king of the... forest...
was highly obsessed with making his forest look like a better place to live than all of
the other forests. He thought, "I can look really good if I side with this chipmunk and
banish this evil cat to... Cleveland." The chipmunk at this point really just wanted the
wolverine to hit the cat with a stick and say "Bad cat!!" but the wolverine got ahead of
itself and decided that he and his forest would look bad if he were to let this crime go
unpunished. Being upset with the cat in his little chipmunk fury, he decided to make his
story better since somebody was listening to him. "The cat has a switchblade!" blurted
out the chipmunk. The cat used his switchblade to cut up fruit and occasionally open UPS
packages. Wolverines, however, REALLY don't like switchblades, and this one assumed that
the cat had used this against the chipmunk (or else he wouldn't have brought it up). The
wolverine searched the cat's room and found the knife at a time that the chipmunk was
coincidentally not there. The cat got kicked out of the forest and was charged with
having weapons, assault, harassment, and dangerous behavior. The chipmunk, not wanting
the cat banished pleaded with the wolverine, but was ignored. Other creatures, many
being chipmunks, pleaded with the wolverine as well, but no one was heard, and the cat
became sad and tried to find a new forest with new friends.

This actually happened here at Denison. Yes, we have wolverines. Be afraid. If you
replace wolverine with administration you will perhaps understand this tale better. The
chipmunk is a Jewish student and the cat is a normal 19-year old boy that up until
recently got good grades, worked hard, and loved this school. If you know who this cat
is and want to know more about what happened to him, write to my Slayter box. If you
still don't know what happened and want to know how our school "investigates" claims
against students and solves these situations, you may also write me.

SB 7709