The Parking Lot - Posted by JT

Going Places with Jake: Rape Parking Lot

The girls here at Dension might describe it as "sketch," "suspect," or "creepy-towns."
Regardless of whether or not you choose to defile the English language, it is undeniable
that the strip of parking spaces behind Crawford has its horribly offensive moniker for a
reason. I decided to pound the ground and see how the people, myself included, truly feel
about the area.

Composite Freshman Marissa Ramasamy provided this statement: "Why are you being so weird?
Are you drunk? I don't know... it makes me uncomfortable because I think there are bros
in those trees who totally want to rape me."

After visiting the site myself, I found that everyone should be worried. Crawford parking
lot is dangerous for rapee and raper alike. Sure it's dark and secluded, but pelvic
thrust too hard, and your once secure erotomobile is rolling down the hill. If you
survive the explosion, she's about a two minute jog from the police station. Good luck
chasing the bitch when you can see both your shankbones.

I attempted to get a statement from Michael Scott, figuring he had probably succumbed to
the siren song of violent passion emanating from Rape Parking Lot during his time here.
Unfortunately, I was unable to control myself and ended up reciting a long overdue tirade
about Dan In Real Life, instead. It wasn't pretty:

Get your head off of the fucking pancakes. No, you know what? You rest. I hope they're
scalding hot. I paid $16 to see your contrived emotionality and all I got out out my date
was a boob graze... I was just a KID!!

Scott was able to placate me by pointing out that any feelings of irrational rage were
almost certainly brought on by the existence of Dane Cook and my own and sexual
frustration, not his terrible movie.

Freshman and girl, Kate Kloster, provided this troubled muckraker with peace of mind when
she gave her appraisal of the issue: "What? Now? You want me to say it now? OK... Well, I
feel like you're pretty much just as likely to be raped there as anywhere else on campus."

There you have it, readers. Nowhere is safe.




SCANDAL ROCKS THE DENISONIAN
It has come to light that freelance writer for the school "newspaper," Joe Kenkel, wrote
his review for the iPad without ever even being in the same room as one of the
cutting-edge tablets. Journalistic Integrity. It's not a Denison thing.


I WANNA DIP MY BALLS IN IT!!!

- Jacob Hoffman