Robert Smith, a junior at Denison University, had nothing but praise for the school’s new ice cream selection when interviewed by the Bullsheet this past Thursday.
“The texture is so much smoother than whatever it was that they had for the past few years. I was getting tired of the standard vanilla and chocolate that we usually have.”
“Also,” Smith continued. “That dino crunch flavor totally turned my shit blue”
Velvet Ice Cream, a family business based in Utica, Ohio, has been serving up quality ice cream since 1914. It is the official ice cream of the Ohio State Fair, the Columbus Zoo, and Columbus Clippers. There are over 500 flavors, at least one of which will turn one’s feces a primary color.
When asked what flavors were his favorites, Smith replied: “Turtle tracks is up there, because I’m a big fan of caramel. I guess moose tracks is a time-tested classic. Overall, I’d say dinosaur crunch. It’s like nothing I’ve ever tasted. There are even little malted milk balls in there! Oh, and after eating it, my shit gets turned blue for a day. That’s the best.”
All natural and made with the highest quality ingredients, Velvet ice cream has been putting smiles on Denison students’ faces all week, one way or another.
--Alex "till you're blue in the face" Chan
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Somebody Likes Animals - Posted by JT
For the sake of not offending anybody by bringing up serious matters, I have written a
short story about a chipmunk, a cat, and a wolverine. The cat's girlfriend introduced
the cat to the chipmunk one day and they got along very well. The cat picked on the
chipmunk from time to time because he found the chipmunk annoying and whiny on occasion,
but never made a move to eat it because he liked the chipmunk and now had several mutual
friends with it. The teenage cat thought his jokes were funny and not harmful in the
least, and the chipmunk made jokes back at the cat as well. The cat liked the chipmunk
enough to choose him as his roommate during their first year of college. The chipmunk
liked the cat enough to choose him back. Ahem... anyway, one day, three years after
having met and befriended the cat, the chipmunk was in a bad mood and decided that the
cat made fun of him because he was a chipmunk, and not because the chipmunk was whiny.
He thought, in his moment of insecurity, that the cat that he had known for three years
was making species...ist comments and was discriminating against all chipmunks and not
just him. The chipmunk, rather than talking it out with the cat, went to the wolverine
to tell of his dilemma. Upon hearing that a poor innocent chipmunk was being made fun of
by a cat, the wolverine assumed that the cat made fun of the chipmunk because he thought
himself superior and hated chipmunks. The wolverine, being the king of the... forest...
was highly obsessed with making his forest look like a better place to live than all of
the other forests. He thought, "I can look really good if I side with this chipmunk and
banish this evil cat to... Cleveland." The chipmunk at this point really just wanted the
wolverine to hit the cat with a stick and say "Bad cat!!" but the wolverine got ahead of
itself and decided that he and his forest would look bad if he were to let this crime go
unpunished. Being upset with the cat in his little chipmunk fury, he decided to make his
story better since somebody was listening to him. "The cat has a switchblade!" blurted
out the chipmunk. The cat used his switchblade to cut up fruit and occasionally open UPS
packages. Wolverines, however, REALLY don't like switchblades, and this one assumed that
the cat had used this against the chipmunk (or else he wouldn't have brought it up). The
wolverine searched the cat's room and found the knife at a time that the chipmunk was
coincidentally not there. The cat got kicked out of the forest and was charged with
having weapons, assault, harassment, and dangerous behavior. The chipmunk, not wanting
the cat banished pleaded with the wolverine, but was ignored. Other creatures, many
being chipmunks, pleaded with the wolverine as well, but no one was heard, and the cat
became sad and tried to find a new forest with new friends.
This actually happened here at Denison. Yes, we have wolverines. Be afraid. If you
replace wolverine with administration you will perhaps understand this tale better. The
chipmunk is a Jewish student and the cat is a normal 19-year old boy that up until
recently got good grades, worked hard, and loved this school. If you know who this cat
is and want to know more about what happened to him, write to my Slayter box. If you
still don't know what happened and want to know how our school "investigates" claims
against students and solves these situations, you may also write me.
SB 7709
short story about a chipmunk, a cat, and a wolverine. The cat's girlfriend introduced
the cat to the chipmunk one day and they got along very well. The cat picked on the
chipmunk from time to time because he found the chipmunk annoying and whiny on occasion,
but never made a move to eat it because he liked the chipmunk and now had several mutual
friends with it. The teenage cat thought his jokes were funny and not harmful in the
least, and the chipmunk made jokes back at the cat as well. The cat liked the chipmunk
enough to choose him as his roommate during their first year of college. The chipmunk
liked the cat enough to choose him back. Ahem... anyway, one day, three years after
having met and befriended the cat, the chipmunk was in a bad mood and decided that the
cat made fun of him because he was a chipmunk, and not because the chipmunk was whiny.
He thought, in his moment of insecurity, that the cat that he had known for three years
was making species...ist comments and was discriminating against all chipmunks and not
just him. The chipmunk, rather than talking it out with the cat, went to the wolverine
to tell of his dilemma. Upon hearing that a poor innocent chipmunk was being made fun of
by a cat, the wolverine assumed that the cat made fun of the chipmunk because he thought
himself superior and hated chipmunks. The wolverine, being the king of the... forest...
was highly obsessed with making his forest look like a better place to live than all of
the other forests. He thought, "I can look really good if I side with this chipmunk and
banish this evil cat to... Cleveland." The chipmunk at this point really just wanted the
wolverine to hit the cat with a stick and say "Bad cat!!" but the wolverine got ahead of
itself and decided that he and his forest would look bad if he were to let this crime go
unpunished. Being upset with the cat in his little chipmunk fury, he decided to make his
story better since somebody was listening to him. "The cat has a switchblade!" blurted
out the chipmunk. The cat used his switchblade to cut up fruit and occasionally open UPS
packages. Wolverines, however, REALLY don't like switchblades, and this one assumed that
the cat had used this against the chipmunk (or else he wouldn't have brought it up). The
wolverine searched the cat's room and found the knife at a time that the chipmunk was
coincidentally not there. The cat got kicked out of the forest and was charged with
having weapons, assault, harassment, and dangerous behavior. The chipmunk, not wanting
the cat banished pleaded with the wolverine, but was ignored. Other creatures, many
being chipmunks, pleaded with the wolverine as well, but no one was heard, and the cat
became sad and tried to find a new forest with new friends.
This actually happened here at Denison. Yes, we have wolverines. Be afraid. If you
replace wolverine with administration you will perhaps understand this tale better. The
chipmunk is a Jewish student and the cat is a normal 19-year old boy that up until
recently got good grades, worked hard, and loved this school. If you know who this cat
is and want to know more about what happened to him, write to my Slayter box. If you
still don't know what happened and want to know how our school "investigates" claims
against students and solves these situations, you may also write me.
SB 7709
Saturday, March 27, 2010
They Got Jokes
Hey!!!!
You, that was desperate for a date! We, Rob and Taylor, have decided to accept your invitation formally. We feel we fit the qualities you are looking for, as we are both athletic and not freshmen (although we have numerous undiagnosed STDS). And since we are offering ourselves as a package, we have two hearts to love you with and two cocks to sex with you. We’ve been told that we’re surprisingly popular, although we have yet to be surprised by our “popularity.” We wear different clothing every day, unlike cartoon characters. You asked us what are favorite position was: Wide receiver (if you know what we mean). What’s our signature move: The Tiger Woods fist pump, post-adultery, in honor of all his nice ladies. Now it’s our turn: How big are your melons? What are you wearing? What’s your AIM? We’ll chat l8r…
Love,
Rob and Taylor
You, that was desperate for a date! We, Rob and Taylor, have decided to accept your invitation formally. We feel we fit the qualities you are looking for, as we are both athletic and not freshmen (although we have numerous undiagnosed STDS). And since we are offering ourselves as a package, we have two hearts to love you with and two cocks to sex with you. We’ve been told that we’re surprisingly popular, although we have yet to be surprised by our “popularity.” We wear different clothing every day, unlike cartoon characters. You asked us what are favorite position was: Wide receiver (if you know what we mean). What’s our signature move: The Tiger Woods fist pump, post-adultery, in honor of all his nice ladies. Now it’s our turn: How big are your melons? What are you wearing? What’s your AIM? We’ll chat l8r…
Love,
Rob and Taylor
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Lindsay Gund Memorial Posts
W.W.G.D.—What Would Gund Do?
Dilemma: It’s 3 am. You have a 5 page paper due at 10:30 am that you haven’t started.
Gund Solution: “I’m just going to go to bed and wake up early.”
Dilemma: Your roommate is supposed to be dressed in business casual in approximately 8 minutes. She has “nothing to wear.”
Gund Solution: You ARE Stacey from “What Not To Wear.” Ransack your closet and pull anything remotely acceptable. Your roommate has been transformed into the “prettiest girl on campus.”
Dilemma: It’s 2 am and you hear a commotion outside of Hayes. Some blackout meatheads have started a fight.
Gund Solution: Sprint down stairs, use your super-strong arms to pull them apart. They walk back to their respective apartments ashamed, friends?
Lindsay’s Infinite Playlist
1. Ray Jay, “Sexy Can I”
2. Young Money ft. Lloyd, “Bedrock”
3. TECH N9NE, “Caribou Lou”
4. MGMT, “Electric Feel”
5. Mike Posner, “You don’t have to leave”
6. Jesse McCartney, “Leavin’”
7. New Kids On The Block, “Dirty Dancing” and “Full Service”
8. Enrique Inglesias, “Ring My Bell”
9. Erik Hassle, “Hurtful”
10. The Script, “Break Even”
11. Stereos, “Summer Girl”
12. Ferras, “Hollywood’s Not America”
The Bull’s last words: Beloved teammate, Honorary Theta, and true friend. We will love and miss you forever, Gund.
We would like to thank everyone for their continuous support and love throughout this difficult time. We wouldn’t be able to do it without you. Also, a big thanks to Lindsay Gund for giving us so much material to work with. The search is on for the second “prettiest girl on campus.”
All Lindsay Posts Thanks to Her Roommates and Friends.
Leslie “Who’s going to curl my hair for formal?” Brenner
Sarah “Who’s left-over Chinese food am I going to eat now?” Anderson
Travis “Who’s gonna call me skinny?” Sterner
Alyson “I converted to Catholicism for you” Levitz-Jones
Dilemma: It’s 3 am. You have a 5 page paper due at 10:30 am that you haven’t started.
Gund Solution: “I’m just going to go to bed and wake up early.”
Dilemma: Your roommate is supposed to be dressed in business casual in approximately 8 minutes. She has “nothing to wear.”
Gund Solution: You ARE Stacey from “What Not To Wear.” Ransack your closet and pull anything remotely acceptable. Your roommate has been transformed into the “prettiest girl on campus.”
Dilemma: It’s 2 am and you hear a commotion outside of Hayes. Some blackout meatheads have started a fight.
Gund Solution: Sprint down stairs, use your super-strong arms to pull them apart. They walk back to their respective apartments ashamed, friends?
Lindsay’s Infinite Playlist
1. Ray Jay, “Sexy Can I”
2. Young Money ft. Lloyd, “Bedrock”
3. TECH N9NE, “Caribou Lou”
4. MGMT, “Electric Feel”
5. Mike Posner, “You don’t have to leave”
6. Jesse McCartney, “Leavin’”
7. New Kids On The Block, “Dirty Dancing” and “Full Service”
8. Enrique Inglesias, “Ring My Bell”
9. Erik Hassle, “Hurtful”
10. The Script, “Break Even”
11. Stereos, “Summer Girl”
12. Ferras, “Hollywood’s Not America”
The Bull’s last words: Beloved teammate, Honorary Theta, and true friend. We will love and miss you forever, Gund.
We would like to thank everyone for their continuous support and love throughout this difficult time. We wouldn’t be able to do it without you. Also, a big thanks to Lindsay Gund for giving us so much material to work with. The search is on for the second “prettiest girl on campus.”
All Lindsay Posts Thanks to Her Roommates and Friends.
Leslie “Who’s going to curl my hair for formal?” Brenner
Sarah “Who’s left-over Chinese food am I going to eat now?” Anderson
Travis “Who’s gonna call me skinny?” Sterner
Alyson “I converted to Catholicism for you” Levitz-Jones
Lindsay Gund Memorial Posts
Lindsay Quote Corner:
-“Shno big deal.”
-“Haiii”
-“I’m not drunk… but I’ve been drinking.”
-“Well that’s a LOFTY goal, don’t you think?”
-“But I’m ‘No Filter Gund.’ That’s what makes me who I am.”
-“Now you’re thinkin’ like a clown.”
-“I just stocked up on the ingredients for the ‘Lindsay Gund’.”
-“Prettiest girl on campus.”
-“Rude.”
-“Who wants Baileys?!”
-“Shhh! For pizza.”
Nicknames (Otherwise known as…):
-Baby Gund
-Gund Bear (Gotta Getta Gund)
-Vincent Van Gund
-No Boundaries Gund
-Captain Gunderpants
-Lindsay “Joke Killer” Gund
-Nacha
Cocktail of the Day: The Lindsay Gund, a refreshing drink crafted by the one and only. Made for a standard wine glass…
-Either 2 or 4 shots of cheap vodka, depending on your mood and reason for boozing.
-A heavy pour of Inglenook White Zinfandel, enough to make the drink a lovely light
pink.
-2 generous splashes of Dole Pineapple, Orange, Banana juice. Good juice cuts bad
alcohol.
-A splash of Clear American (note: can only be purchased at Walmart) Golden Peach
Sparkling Water (“Don’t worry, Leigh; it has ZERO CALORIES!!!!!”)
DISCLAIMER: “Lindsay’s crazy. That drink she made really fucked me up.” –Mike Barnum, Senior Defensive Lineman for DU Big Red, 5’10”, 210 lbs. and neighbor of LG.
-“Shno big deal.”
-“Haiii”
-“I’m not drunk… but I’ve been drinking.”
-“Well that’s a LOFTY goal, don’t you think?”
-“But I’m ‘No Filter Gund.’ That’s what makes me who I am.”
-“Now you’re thinkin’ like a clown.”
-“I just stocked up on the ingredients for the ‘Lindsay Gund’.”
-“Prettiest girl on campus.”
-“Rude.”
-“Who wants Baileys?!”
-“Shhh! For pizza.”
Nicknames (Otherwise known as…):
-Baby Gund
-Gund Bear (Gotta Getta Gund)
-Vincent Van Gund
-No Boundaries Gund
-Captain Gunderpants
-Lindsay “Joke Killer” Gund
-Nacha
Cocktail of the Day: The Lindsay Gund, a refreshing drink crafted by the one and only. Made for a standard wine glass…
-Either 2 or 4 shots of cheap vodka, depending on your mood and reason for boozing.
-A heavy pour of Inglenook White Zinfandel, enough to make the drink a lovely light
pink.
-2 generous splashes of Dole Pineapple, Orange, Banana juice. Good juice cuts bad
alcohol.
-A splash of Clear American (note: can only be purchased at Walmart) Golden Peach
Sparkling Water (“Don’t worry, Leigh; it has ZERO CALORIES!!!!!”)
DISCLAIMER: “Lindsay’s crazy. That drink she made really fucked me up.” –Mike Barnum, Senior Defensive Lineman for DU Big Red, 5’10”, 210 lbs. and neighbor of LG.
Lindsay Gund Memorial Posts
A day in the life of Lindsay Gund…
- You wake up late, class begins in 15 minutes because you have let your alarm go off roughly 10 times before Alyson yells at you to get out of bed.
- Facebook chat.
- Stuff two pieces of cinnamon toast in your mouth as you reapply mascara, your most time consuming morning task, all the while giving Leslie advice on how to manage her life.
- Go to class, participate to the point of your classmates wanting you to shut up... Or thank you, for keeping the discussion going for 50 minutes.
- Come home for lunch, make a Morningstar Chik’n patty and Progresso soup. Leave half the bowl of soup in the sink, you’ll do the dishes later.
- Facebook chat.
- Camp out in your personal office (the common room of Hayes 301) attempting to do something productive for the next few hours. (Someday you’ll revolutionize public education.)
- Crunch beer cans from the night before, thoroughly annoying your downstairs neighbors. Be sure to always pull the tabs from the cans.
- Are you supposed to tutor today? Shit.
- Facebook chat.
- Go to crew practice. Talk the entire van-ride there to make sure the driver doesn’t fall asleep. You basically hold the team together.
- Come home for dinner—make a Morningstar Chik’n patty and Progresso soup. If you’re still hungry, pull those Tostitos Scoops off the top shelf. You’ll do the dishes later.
- Facebook chat.
- Is there a “Bones” marathon on?
- Pluck everyone’s eyebrows.
- Facebook chat.
- Neglect your schoolwork, “NCIS” is on.
- Neglect “NCIS,” Travis needs help with his Spanish homework.
- “Who’s going out tonight?” via mass text. Facebook chat.
- To the bar. To the bar. Take mirror off door and bring beauty necessities to the kitchen table. This is going to take a while.
- Play “Bedrock” on repeat until your roommates cannot take it. Facebook chat.
- Pregame for a half hour, decide there’s inevitably nothing good going on tonight. Yell at Sarah for turning the thermostat up to 76 degrees. Don your Gonzaga t-shirt and gray leggings, it’s bed time.
- You wake up late, class begins in 15 minutes because you have let your alarm go off roughly 10 times before Alyson yells at you to get out of bed.
- Facebook chat.
- Stuff two pieces of cinnamon toast in your mouth as you reapply mascara, your most time consuming morning task, all the while giving Leslie advice on how to manage her life.
- Go to class, participate to the point of your classmates wanting you to shut up... Or thank you, for keeping the discussion going for 50 minutes.
- Come home for lunch, make a Morningstar Chik’n patty and Progresso soup. Leave half the bowl of soup in the sink, you’ll do the dishes later.
- Facebook chat.
- Camp out in your personal office (the common room of Hayes 301) attempting to do something productive for the next few hours. (Someday you’ll revolutionize public education.)
- Crunch beer cans from the night before, thoroughly annoying your downstairs neighbors. Be sure to always pull the tabs from the cans.
- Are you supposed to tutor today? Shit.
- Facebook chat.
- Go to crew practice. Talk the entire van-ride there to make sure the driver doesn’t fall asleep. You basically hold the team together.
- Come home for dinner—make a Morningstar Chik’n patty and Progresso soup. If you’re still hungry, pull those Tostitos Scoops off the top shelf. You’ll do the dishes later.
- Facebook chat.
- Is there a “Bones” marathon on?
- Pluck everyone’s eyebrows.
- Facebook chat.
- Neglect your schoolwork, “NCIS” is on.
- Neglect “NCIS,” Travis needs help with his Spanish homework.
- “Who’s going out tonight?” via mass text. Facebook chat.
- To the bar. To the bar. Take mirror off door and bring beauty necessities to the kitchen table. This is going to take a while.
- Play “Bedrock” on repeat until your roommates cannot take it. Facebook chat.
- Pregame for a half hour, decide there’s inevitably nothing good going on tonight. Yell at Sarah for turning the thermostat up to 76 degrees. Don your Gonzaga t-shirt and gray leggings, it’s bed time.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Register or be a Hobo Next Year.
Get your housing lottery questions answered at the last LOTTERY INFORMATION SESSION,
Thursday 3/25 at 6PM in HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
In the meantime...
Remember to register for the lottery by this FRIDAY March 29th at
11:59pm.
o To register for the housing lottery, log on to your DU "self
service" and click on the "Residential Life and Lottery
Registration" link.
o For more information and floor plans visit
http://www.denison.edu/offices/residentiallife
Make a note of these dates:
April 6 (Tuesday)- Special Interest Housing (Quiet/Substance Free
Buildings and Other Special Interest Buildings)
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 5pm Male Quiet/Sub-free and 6:30pm Female Quiet/Sub-free
April 8 (Thursday)- Rising Senior Lottery
Location: Slayter 3rd Floor
Times: 5pm Male Seniors and 7:30pm Female Seniors
April 13 (Tuesday)- Rising Junior Lottery
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 6pm Male Juniors and 8:00pm Female Juniors
April 15 (Thursday)- Rising Sophomore Lottery
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 5pm Male Lottery and 7:30pm Female Lottery
Thanks, and remember, when choosing your room and roommates at lottery, it always pays to
have back-up plans!
The Committee on Residential Life
Thursday 3/25 at 6PM in HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
In the meantime...
Remember to register for the lottery by this FRIDAY March 29th at
11:59pm.
o To register for the housing lottery, log on to your DU "self
service" and click on the "Residential Life and Lottery
Registration" link.
o For more information and floor plans visit
http://www.denison.edu/offices/residentiallife
Make a note of these dates:
April 6 (Tuesday)- Special Interest Housing (Quiet/Substance Free
Buildings and Other Special Interest Buildings)
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 5pm Male Quiet/Sub-free and 6:30pm Female Quiet/Sub-free
April 8 (Thursday)- Rising Senior Lottery
Location: Slayter 3rd Floor
Times: 5pm Male Seniors and 7:30pm Female Seniors
April 13 (Tuesday)- Rising Junior Lottery
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 6pm Male Juniors and 8:00pm Female Juniors
April 15 (Thursday)- Rising Sophomore Lottery
Location: Curtis Veggie
Times: 5pm Male Lottery and 7:30pm Female Lottery
Thanks, and remember, when choosing your room and roommates at lottery, it always pays to
have back-up plans!
The Committee on Residential Life
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