The Bullsheet

(I stole this from the good folks at penny-arcade.com, but some of the recent
shit-slinging reminded me of it. I don't quite remember the fake name he used, so would
you mind throwing his name into the submission for me? Also, I realize it's past due for
tomorrow's sheet, so just get it in whenever :) Thanks a ton!)

Dear [Dr. whateverthefucknameyoumadeup who suggested every non-black student get together
and make their own student union],

Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total Fuckwad

Real men claim their farts.

Jack Hundley
8964

Fellow readers,

After reading the Bullsheet on Tuesday, I came across a submission which brought up the
idea of having a "Non-Black Student Union." I did not find this to be a serious idea,
however, I did see it a bit out of line. I am sure a lot of students were quite offended.
But before any of you want to seek out this KID, let me enlighten everyone on who we're
dealing with here. He's a sophomore- or sophomoric- and he's roughly around the age of 14
or 15. His name is Linus Williams. He was the young scholar that we hooted for and raved
about last year in the Denisonian.

Allow me to put some things about him into perspective. He'll graduate from Denison
probably when he's 17. This means that he won't be able to legally view porn (even as a
senior), buy tobacco products, or participate in the lottery. Now let's say he wishes to
pursue a law career. Law schools typically last 3 years. So, this makes him 20- can't buy
booze (shucks). People, he can't even drive a car and it's doubtful that he has his
learner's permit yet.

My advice to you all is this: do not make threats to him or demand that he be punished
with warning/disciplinary probation for such racial remarks. Rather, send him to the
Dean's office for time out and suggest to the Dean that he calls his mother to inform her
of his actions. Then we can all hope and pray that he will get a good ole spanking with
no dessert and video games for a week.

Lewis Clark

Dear Bobby Driscoll,

Why do you care what Eric has been doing with his time abroad? So what if he’s not, as you say, “getting hammered” and therefore “having a fucking awesome time” and instead doing what is, in your view, “nothing fun”? He has been given this valuable chance to travel and study in a foreign country, and he’s going to do with it as he pleases. If your only concern with what he does with his time away from home is that you have to read about it in the Denisonian, then the solution is simple: stop reading his column.

I don’t know you; I don’t really care what you think about Eric’s style of writing. You have a right to your opinion, just as it’s your right to be able to write about it in a public forum. What bothers me enough to write back is the personal comments you made without even knowing the person whom you were insulting. I do know Eric and consider him to be one of my closest friends here. I’d like to tell you that he’s a completely genuine human being. I honestly don’t think he would write something if he didn’t truly believe it. His writing is who he is, and it is absolutely not the result of “whack ass drugs”.

Sincerely,
Katherine Damisch, Class of ‘11
Box 8805