Dang Girl How You Git All That Ass in them Jeans: A Study of the Effects of the Amply Proportioned Posterior upon the Spacetime Continuum

It was a moment which would later spur the greatest academic endeavor of my career: I was traversing from my Quantum Theory class to my piano lesson, when my companions and I passed by a group of hoodlums. We were very much apprehensive, and scurried by with gazes averted. I could not help but notice, however, that one of the troubled youths was looking rather licentiously in the direction of the seat of my trousers. When we had passed, I heard the same ruffian call out after me to the effect of- and you must excuse my vulgarity- "Dang girl how you git all that ass in them jeans?"

Naturally, as a bashful young girl, I was mortified at the time. However, the excitements of my studies soon pushed the episode from my mind entirely. It was not until later, during my second year at Cambridge, that I began to consider the significance of the remark. By then, a lifestyle of lethargy and youthful cavorting had caused my buttocks to increase to a disproportionately large size. After a long night of lab equipment maintenance, I began taking measurement of my sizeable rump, and comparing them with measurements of several pair of my trousers.

The results of my informal experiment were astounding. It appeared that, even when accounting for the elasticity index of the denim, the dimensions of my arse actually exceeded the dimensions of the trousers in question. Though I ran countless trials, the data would not yield; according to the currently accepted laws of physics, I could not, in fact, git all that ass in them jeans.

I feared that publication of these results would render me a pariah in the intellectual community. However, when physicists and Apple Bottom retailers across the globe repeated this experiment, its implications were irrefutable. My buttocks simply defied the laws of physics. The ensuing uproar produced a veritable milkshake of conjectures and theories. This milkshake would inevitably bring all the boys to the yard.

Harvard Yard, that is- where the world’s most prestigious researchers gathered to discuss this phenomenon. Some of the most charismatic speeches were made by philanthropic celebrities such as Dr. McHammer, who addressed the Board of Fellows:

"Fellows?"
"Yeah!"
"Fellows?"
"Yeah!"
"Has yo girlfriend got the butt?"
"Hell yeah!"

I myself was also under considerable scrutiny. A number of queries were posited throughout the evening, ranging from whether I could shake it to the left, shake it to the right, back that thang up, down, sideways, or in any number of directions hitherto unknown to me. The dean was especially interested in the many possibilities presented by my plump posterior. "What should be done with this information?", he mused, "Should it be popped, locked, or dropped altogether?"

As it turns out, the matter was not dropped, but grew to be one of the most sought-after topics for undergraduate research since 2006, when it was discovered that latin-pop singer Shakira’s hips were, indeed, completely incapable of telling a falsehood.

-Kaitlyn Grissom, Phreshman Editor