The Bullsheet

Lady Gaga Harmful to Young Girls’ Self-Esteem
by Kaitlyn Grissom, Sophomore Editor

Amy Long, mother of sixth-grade Julie, is worried that her daughter may have an unhealthy self-image due to her new obsession with Lady Gaga. Says Long, “Julie used to be like any other girl her age: shopping, hanging out with her friends, and crying because she thinks she’s fat. But now something’s...different. She just walks around in her latex leotard and tries to light things on fire with her mind.”

Like thousands of girls across the country, Julie thinks that she must be just like her idol in order to be attractive. “There’s this boy in my class named Carl. He’s sooooooo cute. But he only likes girls with aluminum-plated prosthetic hip sockets. It’s like he doesn’t even know I exist,” says Julie as she stares into the mirror, trying unsuccessfully to get blood to ooze from her eyeballs. “Dammit! I never do anything right!”

The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty has responded to this disturbing trend with new messages of hope and acceptance. Says Dove spokeswoman Andrea Andrews, “We want girls to know that you can be beautiful no matter your weight, body type, number of limbs, extraterrestrial networking options, or diamond-levitating abilities.”

Gaga herself was unavailable for comment, as she had absconded to her arctic lair with a 400-gallon bottle of imported vodka.