Joke-by-Joke Breakdown of the Denisonian Sex Column by Alex Chan

Happy Friday!

I hope all of you read this week’s Denisonian. Aside from the bits of real news that was published in there, this week’s issue marks the return of the infamous Denisonian sex column! Well, maybe. I haven’t really read the paper in a while, so it might’ve been there all year. But what I know for sure is that this week’s column has me beat. I can’t think of anything funnier than what this “anonymous columnist” has written regarding Denison and lust. This guy/gal knows how to make me laugh!

So what I’ve decided to do is dissect this column joke by joke, in order to figure out what makes it tick. I say joke by joke because I assume that their column was not intended to be taken seriously.

To begin, we have the attention grabbing title on the front page: “This’ll hit the spot.” Get it? This will satisfy your craving for knowledge as well as make a beeline for what is known as the G-spot. Christ, that’s good. It implies that the phallic column of text on page 8 will stimulate you, whether you like it or not.

The first paragraph is about how hair will inevitably get caught in bunk beds, and how you should tell your roommate to get the fuck out before you partake in your “little late night rendezvous.” To all those at the Denisonian: Judging by that phrase, I believe you have a master of rhetoric among you, and their name is “anonymous columnist.” The alliteration, in addition to the judicious use of French, makes that sentence absolutely luscious. Also…I salute those brave souls who have sex while their roommate is asleep. You are brave like wolf, and just as ravenous for flesh.

The next paragraph explains how to cheat on your significant other in a clandestine manner. Oh, and how to have quiet sex in a closet so that you don’t seem like a “male Monica Lewinski.” You know, just in case you happen to be fucking the president. Duly noted.

The walk of shame: this author suggests you take the back route past Deeds, where you can avoid tour groups. After all, you don’t want a group of prospective students and their parents seeing you walking around without your dignity!

If you run into a friend of the girl that you’re hooking up with, the author advises that you deflect attention away from the fact that you totally just put your gun in her holster, as all the adolescents boys are saying these days. Try smiling. If the friend gives you a smile back, have sex with it. I kid, I kid! The Denisonian would never encourage that sort of behavior (well, not this week anyway).

Did you know that if you rub your face on someone else’s face, that some of your makeup will often—now brace yourselves, this may have some affect on your worldview—transfer over to them? While on the subject of having makeup smeared all over your face, why not make a quick dig at Stevie Wonder for being blind? I quote: “You should make sure you don’t look like someone handed Stevie Wonder a paintbrush with your face as a canvas.” First of all, Stevie Wonder never claimed to be a great painter. Secondly,

Hooking up with many members of a fraternity will get you a permanent reputation with the fraternity. And you thought that it would get you
The author wraps it all up rather smartly by asking the reader to think twice about their “animalistic instincts.” I appreciate that gesture, since I often find myself chasing after small animals, yelling something that sounds like “WHARRGARBL.” I think I’ll close in a similar fashion: if you lack common sense (or have read Glenn Beck’s book Common Sense), think twice about procreating. I don’t want those genes being passed down.