Getting You Through Exam Week by Sam Forti

First a fantastic quote by some girl on east quad: “I wouldn’t be caught dead playing water polo topless with
him!”

Now a quip about your mother’s weight- Your mother is so fat that when she went into the kitchen there was
a meatloaf on the counter but when she left there wasn’t a meatloaf on the counter anymore because she ate
because your mom is fat.



So, its the end of the school, and as such, some of you may feel like you are about to die. The
work load is piling on, crushing you and crushing you like one of those torture devices where they put rocks
on a board on your chest till you say, “Fuck!” and confess to being a witch or a heathen or something of the
sort.
It sucks, yes it does, the stress is overwhelming, you are doubting your academic abilities, and you find
yourself blinding pushing forward into a murky gloom of flashcards, lab reports, research papers, and
unintentional naps in strange places around A-quad.

Well don’t worry so much! I am here to help, and when have I ever let you down before Denison? Here
is a little destressing activity that you and your friends can try on each other. This is what you will need:
1. Yourself
2. A friend
3. This bullsheet.

Find a partner and go somewhere where you can be in peace, away from the hustle and bustle of
everyday campus life. Then, lie or sit in a comfortable position. If you wish, bring some delicious tea and or
scented candles! Then close your eyes and take three deep breaths as your friend reads the script below.

Picture yourself free from final exams. With everybreath let the weight of your gpa drop away. Let it
go, just relaxxx. Now, you are floating. Floating on a beautiful cloud. It is fluffy and oh so soft, like a bed
made of chinchillas. On the cloud and around you are beautiful golden birds that sing in heavenly voices.
Take a deep breath, they will sing whatever you want. The Rite of Spring? no problem. Party in the USA?
no problem. Lollipop by lil’ Wayne? They love that number! They will sing whatever you want. Picture them
singing you your favorite song. There is a tray of gourmet cheese, there are doughnuts a plenty, you can have
whatever you’d like on this little sky island of peace. You are filled with happy thoughts, you are at peace with
the world, you are at peace with your final exams. Everything will be alright, open your eyes and be free.



In case that didn’t work out for you you can always resort to the usual survival tactics for this time of year.
Snorting adderall off the library toilets
Injecting redbull directly into your eyeball for an instant caffine rush
Saying fuck it, drowning your sorrows in booze and hoping for the best
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Snorting adderall off of your desk
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Snorting adderall off of your lab report
Adderall
Adderall
Adderall
Adderall


Good luck Denison. Try not to kill yourself before the holidays begin.


~~40~~