GRANVILLE, OH - In a shocking turn of events, a ball pit has been discovered in a secret room adjoined to President Dale T. Knobel’s office in the Doane Administration Building.
The ball pit was discovered by a member of the custodial staff during a routine cleaning of the president’s office. "I was just polishing the things on his shelves when one of them tilted forward and this panel went all like ‘WHOOSH!’ and there it was," said Denison Sanitation Engineer Phil Meehup.
The ball pit, measuring 49 square feet in area, was installed by President Knobel at some point in the last year. Rumor has it the president used funds from the tremendously successful ‘Higher Ground’ fundrasing campaign to construct the secret compartment. A further investigation into these allegations is currently under way.
The ball pit was discovered by a member of the custodial staff during a routine cleaning of the president’s office. "I was just polishing the things on his shelves when one of them tilted forward and this panel went all like ‘WHOOSH!’ and there it was," said Denison Sanitation Engineer Phil Meehup.
The ball pit, measuring 49 square feet in area, was installed by President Knobel at some point in the last year. Rumor has it the president used funds from the tremendously successful ‘Higher Ground’ fundrasing campaign to construct the secret compartment. A further investigation into these allegations is currently under way.
Amidst these rumors, Knobel stands by his decision to have the room built in the first place. "After a hard day of fixing leaky faucets and shaking hands, there’s nothing I find more relaxing than taking a dip in the pit." said Knobel, "It’s a stressful job, you know?" Knobel contends that the high stress nature of his job demands that he have some form of relaxation readily available. Others are concerned, however, that Knobel has ‘abused’ the ball pit, using it instead as a refuge/hiding place from unwanted meetings and visitors.
The Board of Trustees held a special session where they voted for immediate removal of the ball pit. President Knobel made an appearance in his own defense. In an effort to get the Board on his side, he shared his balls with them, encouraging them to "pick them up, squeeze them, roll them around in your hands. Feel the joy emanating from these balls." Despite Knobel’s emotional speech and subsequent outburst, the decision was passed and Denison Security officers were dispatched to remove the offending balls from the premises.
"You don’t even wanna know some of the stuff we found in there," said DU Security officer Mike Rokosm, "bottles, both empty and half-empty, a half-eaten sandwich, two copies of Gigli, and what appeared to be a slightly chewed deck of cards...and thats just the stuff I’m allowed tell you about."
The Board of Trustees held a special session where they voted for immediate removal of the ball pit. President Knobel made an appearance in his own defense. In an effort to get the Board on his side, he shared his balls with them, encouraging them to "pick them up, squeeze them, roll them around in your hands. Feel the joy emanating from these balls." Despite Knobel’s emotional speech and subsequent outburst, the decision was passed and Denison Security officers were dispatched to remove the offending balls from the premises.
"You don’t even wanna know some of the stuff we found in there," said DU Security officer Mike Rokosm, "bottles, both empty and half-empty, a half-eaten sandwich, two copies of Gigli, and what appeared to be a slightly chewed deck of cards...and thats just the stuff I’m allowed tell you about."
- Josh Mankoff
Senior Co-Editor
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