Homestead Cat runs for President of the United States of America

DCGA PRESIDENTIAL WRITE-IN

Dear future Denison University Constituents,
After much personal debate, I, Miles the homestead cat, have decided to run as a write-in candidate for the DCGA presidential election. While those who know me recognize me as overqualified for this position, I am dedicating all 9 on my lives to the pursuit of a better campus for all, and the correction of the most recent atrocities on campus. Many of the candidates are speaking about issues like security being overbearing and the financial committee being incompetent. I am sure you are thinking, “Hey, you are a cat, how the fuck are you going to fix this shit?” Well let me begin by saying this, I have no problem shitting in the middle of someone’s house on their rug while they watch and cry, so I have no problem doing just that on the copy of the newest security policies. Furthermore, I’ve got a message for the finance committee: piss flows down hill. Unless you want to smell like cat urine for the rest of the year, I suggest making serious reforms to your policies and procedures. For example, I don’t see any supposedly outward reaching organizations funding events that include cats. Seriously, what the fuck? All I do is love this campus and it doesn’t always love me back. When does Cat Bowling night start? I mean, I showed up at financing hearings with my best bells and collar, but I did not get a compliment similar to “Nice matching polo shirts” like SAO.
Addressing the platforms of my “competitors” Dan and Sybille, both presently serve on the finance committee, which is ironic considering it is the committee they have both stated needs to most reform. What the hell were they doing last semester instead of reforming the committee? I mean I know what I was doing, sniffing my own ass out at the Homestead. I was only doing this because I had faith that they were getting their jobs done correctly… not that I am complaining about sniffing my own ass. However, at least I stopped at sniffing; unlike the finance committee I didn’t have my head up my ass the whole semester. I know that their fancy campaign slogans and signs might be overwhelming my future constituents with words like, “accountability” and “passionate.” Accountability simply means that you can blame them for what they fuck up after they are elected. Addressing their passionate stance on issues, I will say that I will actually do something with the issues brought to me by constituents. I have been known to throw-up hairballs and leave disemboweled mice on people’s door steps when I get behind a particular issue, this is the real meaning of “passion” that we need in DCGA.
So in conclusion, vote for Miles the Homestead Cat as the write-in candidate that is M-I-L-E-S T-H-E H-O-M-E-S-T-E-A-D C-A-T.
“If you want change, vote MEOW for Miles the Homestead Cat”
- Miles the Homestead Cat -8478