On Hooking Up

So, the other day I was sitting around with a couple of friends. We were wondering exactly what it meant to “hook up” with someone. They decided that since I am an editor for Granville’s largest daily publication that I should write an editorial explaining to all of you what this term and others actually mean. Actually, this may not be anywhere near what they mean, I mean I was raised in a barn, but at least we can all have a common reference point now.

To begin
Holding Hands: This is when two people (I’m sorry if I start to use gender—the article is meant to be gender inspecific) who are somewhat attracted to each other begin to express it. When holding hands with people who are just friends you must refrain from interlocking fingers because boys will get the wrong message. When two people like each other they are allowed to hold hands.

Kissing: Involves the lips of at least one partner. Again, friends may kiss, but most friends should refrain from kissing on the lips, or anywhere other than the cheek, or hand if you live in the 17th century. When kissing on the lips, two people are generally attracted to each other. Kissing can become more intimate than this and any body part can be involved with a kiss.

French Kiss: This is a kiss involving the mouths of both partners and the tongues are used as well

Making Out: Generally when a couple makes out they begin by French Kissing but sexual desire quickly catches hold of them. When making out the hands are often used to grope or caress the partner. Making out can also involve a great deal of dry humping and can be done in either a standing or prone position or anywhere in between. Making out can be done with any amount of clothes on, and if you are not careful it can lead to sex.

Hooking Up: Depending upon the crowd you are running with and the chasteness of the speaker, hooking up can mean different things. However, I like to define hooking up as any action that could quickly lead to an action farther down the list. Typically the first of these is making out even though some do not consider making out to be hooking up because our seventh grade sisters could be making out on the living room sofa right now with no intent on going any further. However, because our 11th grade sister could also be making out in her bed right now and planning on taking it a lot further, making out is considered hooking up.

Feeling Up: I place this after making out because making out can be done without involving any sexual parts. However, feeling up typically refers to the exploration of a woman’s breasts. To kiss the breasts could fall into the category of making out.

Humping: This is usually instigated during making out or dancing and involves two partners going through the motions of sex without actual penetration.

Groping: Involves massaging the private parts of any person, whether the hands are above or below the clothes.

(Note that the following may be sexually explicit and restraint should be used in public places including but not limited to: Movie theaters, malls, public transportation, the room next to your parents, or your grandparent’s house.)
Hand Job: This is the pleasuring of the penis using the hands. Can be performed privately or with a partner.

Fingering: This is the pleasuring of the vulva with hands and fingers; it also can be performed privately or with a partner.

Blow Job: This typically involves the penis and the mouth of a partner. This is in a category called oral sex, and it involves pleasuring the penis with the mouth.

Eating Out: When a partner pleases your female parts with his or her mouth this is eating out. It also falls in the category of oral sex.

Sex: I am not privy to the homo- or bisexual experience, but a heterosexual definition of sex is the insertion of the penis into the vagina. Please use caution when having sex because AIDS and children are serious side effects.

Anal Sex: Can be performed by heterosexual or homosexual male partners. It involves the insertion of the penis into the anus. Children cannot be created this way, so have fun.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR A STEP BY STEP GUIDE ON PLAYING BASEBALL