Right Crazy Newz!

by Nicholas Bailey, Senior Editor and Craziness Expert

Bristol and Hubby Split!

Wait. You mean to tell me that not only did Sarah Palin not get elected VP, but Bristol Palin’s engagement to her one and only love is over? What a topsy-turvy year it’s been for the Palins. I did not see either of these things coming. *Blink. Blink blink.* Apparently the split was mutual, which I can only assume is code for “That boy wanted OUT and was only staying with her because her mom was running for Vice President.” And to think that now poor Tripp’s home life will be even more fucked up.

Walker, Texas President!

Living, breathing, roundhouse-kicking trump card, Chuck Norris, has announced his plan to run for the president of Texas, should it ever secede from the union. According to Norris, this is something that “may be a reality sooner than we think… if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.” And hey, if this ever happens Texas won’t need an army, because President Norris can just punch all its enemies to death.

Student-Teacher Sexuality!

Two middle/junior high/what have you school teachers in Utah are accused of having sex with the same 13-year-old boy. (And, no, it wasn’t a totally rad threesome; it was on separate occasions.) I can only assume they’re getting in trouble because they didn’t marry him first. (Oh, Utah. Will you ever stop being the butt of jokes? No. You never will. You give jokes asses so round and tight you could bounce a roll of quarters off them.)

Radiohead is Touring this Summer and Working on a New Album!

This isn’t funny, just really fucking awesome. Radiohead, if you’re reading this, go to Minneapolis.

Three Deer Spotted Eating Grass on the Hill During Daylight on Wednesday!

What?! Crazy, right?!