The Bullsheet

YO ALEX! That's some pretty serious shit you wrote about in yesterday's 'sheet. I think it's mostly...mostly true too! I know, I know, the editors are supposed to write funny shit to make us laugh and be amused; I'm sure most of us are. Your article is also significantly more entertaining than Eve's article (I know Eve, and sorry, you weren't trying to be entertaining but let's face it: your article was quite boring, way too preachy and I don't think it told too many people on campus anything they didn't already know or had given thought to, regardless of whether or not they are virgins—then again maybe I'm just not a fan of advise columns, I don't know). I just got just a few comments on your article seeing that I am an illegitimate child of young parents who, by the way, did not drink themselves into a coma and are married and are together and raised me to be a damn good person if I may say so myself (is this article already dripping with so much vanity it makes you want to barf?)...here we go!

At my Dad's 40th birthday party—just a few years ago now, maybe 2007, yea, that sounds right—my Dad told my family (including his in-laws) "now, none of you thought our marriage was going to work out (his mother-in-law shook her head 'no' effectively agreeing with him) but it did, and we just had our 20th anniversary and things are going really well" and OH SHIT... they did turn out really well! He was right, who knew; most didn't expect it as many don't expect quick-marriages-because-of-accidental-conception to actually work in the long-run; well, in the case of my parents, 22 years in the long-run (they were sophomores in college at University of Louisville). I can say a few things that I know based on your advise, though, Alex:

Be honest from the beginning: I don't know how my parents conceived me and they've never said straight to my face that I was an accident nor did they elaborate on whether or not my Mom forgot to take her pill or the condom broke; to be honest, I don't really care whether or not they tell me, but the "lack of truth" didn't keep me having some character. It wasn't necessary for them to tell me and though I did figure it out on my own—they did acknowledge me being a mistake after I questioned—I can't say that their "being honest from the beginning" has deprived me of any character. It hasn't. Nuff said.

Hold yourself accountable: I've never really looked at my being-born as a "price" my parents have had to "pay" but, shit, I was the baby, not the father, so I'm not going call myself “personal Purgatory”—but now that you mention it, I might have been?! I can say, however, from what I remember of even my earliest childhood, my parents were excellent at the parenting game and were very responsible and never drank themselves into a coma. Hmm...they certainly did hold themselves accountable though I never really thought of myself as a burden or as as a mistake that they now had to deal with—though I was a mistake...just not a regretted one...I hope not anyways. I don't think you're necessarily implying that in your point here, but you might be, so I thought I'd respond regardless.

Demand respect: This is probably true; I think I respected my elders as every little brainwashed socially conditioned child should. I didn't mind it, maybe it's part of my personality, though I was still encouraged to question everything (well, most everything...parents don't like to be questioned regardless of their age, it's not efficient for their parenting) and think for myself, not just blindly listen. Come on, they do deserve respect, though, right?! Yes, definitely, especially if they're young because they could have (not that the thought occurred to them, I don't think it did) done all sorts of other things that would have landed my ass somewhere else...or nowhere at all—is there a statistic for aborted or adopted children from umarried parents under 20? You get the point...

Don't worry about expectations: Kids are not special...not unless they're truly "special" kids but parents need an objective viewpoint there, they don't have the ability to make that decision themselves. As George Carlin puts it: “not all children are smart and clever. Got that [parents]? Kids are like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers!” Because I am the oldest child and my parents were quite young (and unmarried) when I was conceived, I think it was more important to them to just take care of their kid, not try to make him some sort of super-prodigy. And I can't thank them enough for doing that. Just let your kid do what he damn well pleases, or, in other words: don't try to turn him into some sort of super-child. I think that's a generational change that those about 10 years older than us who are having kids now are doing a lot of. What the fuck!? You're just going to turn your kid into some sort of droning has-to-do-as-much-as-he-can-in-order-to-please-his-parents kid. Not a good idea. Look at me, my parents let me follow my own interests and I went from being one of those not-good-at-sports-but-played-every-one (not basketball, though) to finding an interest in music, which led to me teaching myself music, being a varsity swimmer (high school, not here), Eagle scout and all that typical over-achieving things that over-achieving kids do. I probably was an overachiever, yea. Shit, I'm a triple major now! I'm still an overachiever! But my parents didn't promote or demand it by any stretch. The over-achieving came from me. NOT from my parents pressing or encouraging me to do anything...unless, of course, it was stuff that I wanted to do in the first place.

So, there you have it. My parents are 42, I'm 22, they're still married, I have a younger brother in high school, and I'm happy. Does that mean all sophomores in college should get together and have kids? I don't know; I wouldn't go that far...I didn't have any kids 2 years ago (my mom's parents also conceived my mom at 19 years old and they were happy I didn't continue in the tradition...so they've told me) and I'm not planning on having kids now. I am going to go out on a limb and say that if I did have a kid 2 years ago I would raise the kid in the same way that I was raised (shit, if I ever do become a father, I'll still want to raise my kids the way I was raised) and I think the kid would be be happy with that. So, yea, THANKS MOM AND DAD, LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED BY THIS. YOU'RE THE GREATEST PARENTS EVER. And I mean that. What the Bull said yesterday is true: “My parents love me.” Good luck to all you potential sophomore-perhaps-soon-to-be-parents. Alex's advise is mostly-true based on my own experience, follow it if you want, or don't. Just don't fuck the parenting up!

Brian Crush